the best

130.5 Pretty good for another crazy eating day. Breakfast and lunch were fine - but I went out for Mexican food with D and had some yummy chocolate-fudge-brownie-chip ice cream shortly after. (A small size, but still).

It felt good to talk to him. He's doing well and is really honing in on what he wants to do for a living, I'm really happy for him and I think he'll be successful. The unreliable streak is still there (he says he's going to go live in Mexico for six months after graduation ...) but I can tell he still cares.

I talked a lot about the type of work I want to focus on and whether or not to go to grad school. It's a big decision. I also talked about the pressure I feel to succeed, having grown up in the fashion and with the parents I did. I had a few tears because the thing is, I never feel good enough.

There's so many things I wish I was better at -- I wish I was more outgoing; smarter; more articulate; better looking; a smaller size; more naturally athletic. I looked around or remember friends growing up and it seems like all these things came so naturally to them, but everything seems like it's so challenging for me. I have to work twice as hard and it's awkward and I just wish it were easier. Sometimes I feel like there's so much pressure to be the best that I'm a failure before I even begin.

What D has always said, and what he said again, and what I need to start repeating to myself until I fully believe it, is that I'm pretty darn awesome as I am. In fact, I'm just the way I should be.

Why does it take an ex to remind me of that?