mending myself

I've been doing a lot of self loathing lately, which has a lot to do with a lot of things. I sat down to write many times over the last week but didn't like how I sounded. I don't want to be that girl, complaining about breaking up and my weight and work and blah blah blah. I didn't used to be that girl. At least, not for a long time.

I remember in junior high I switched schools. Seventh grade was a bad, bad year and I remember thinking at one point that I could go through a whole day without speaking to someone besides my family. Anyway. I won a volleyball award in eighth grade at the new school for being the player that always smiled -- even if I didn't get to play very much. I was so deliriously happy to have friends that I didn't even realize I was happy or that things were much different, but it showed. I couldn't help but smile.

Now I'm feeling like I'm in seventh grade again. Nobody talkes to me. I don't have friends. Self pity is a very easy and slippery slope to slide down. But I have a lot to be thankful for and really, it's not that bad. It's just different and, while I've lost some relationships, I have the opportunity to grow some too. In the past few weeks I've done -- solo -- a lot of social and, I think, brave things. I went to a coworker's party. I went to touch football. I joined coworkers at a movie. I went to a volunteer trip reunion dinner. I went to a writing workshop. I also said no when appropriate; when I didn't want to get piss drunk or stay up until dawn. I looked out for me.

There's a lot of ways I'm moving forward. I bought make up, a new pair of jeans and shoes. Yes, little things but I'm starting to feel cute again. And I caught the eye of two guys today. I think one did a double-take. Sure it's little -- but I just need to feel pretty right now, and that's okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me and the kind of attitude I put off. I'm naturally shy and feel awkward around folks I don't know -- but that can be read as standoffish. I've been grumpy and frustrated at work lately, and that can be read as, well, grumpy. I don't think I smile enough and so have been making an effort to smile more and present myself as relaxed and comfortable and fun and generally happy. A few people are talking to me more at work. I don't think it's them, I think it's me.

This is all because I broke up with D, but it's more than that. It's because I'm doubting myself. And because in the last year I've broken off friendships that needed to be let go, but I never replaced them. For the first few weeks I thought about how wonderful D is. Now I'm starting to remember the things that really made me question his integrity and if I could marry him. I've come up with a dozen or so examples, which I decided against going into here. But this excerise has been good for my soul; I just needed to remember why I had to get out, why he wasn't the one for me and why I finally made the decision I did.

I'm not exactly out of the woods, but I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I'm trying -- and it's hard! -- to not compare myself to others in order to judge my self worth. I grew up never thinking I was good enough and comparing myself to my always-seemingly-perfect siblings. But that's not only wrong, but ironic because they think I'm the one who has it all figured out!

I may be single right now, but being single is a lot better than being with someone that drags you down and know, in your gut, you don't want to marry. I may not be entering an ivy league law school, but I did win an award for my work this year, which is the third year in a row. I may be in a size 8 right now, but I'm still 35 pounds less than I was three years ago, fitter, stronger and have a half marathon under my belt. I may not be gorgeous, but I have a pretty girl-next-door look that works really well for me.

I haven't even mentioned my weight in this post and, while I thought about ignoring it, I do have a small victory to report. I weighed in at 129 this weekend and am maintaining at 130. Which is a 2 pound weightloss and something I can live with. I was sick all weekend and have yet to work out, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I needed to rest and mend myself; I still am mending myself. Part of this whole journey is taking care of myself and my body and that's what I'm doing.

And that's just where I need to be.