Not right here, but maybe soon

I just watched the end of the bachelor and when he chose neither of them, I thought, yeah. That's what it's like. You can't just decide to fall in love with someone and get married; thinking and wishing and hoping and praying isn't squat when it's the wrong fit. Or more importantly, the wrong time. I know that. I'm living that right now.

Does that sound bitter? I hope not. I hope it sounds real. Not only do you have to meet someone who gets your jokes, but you have to be open to a commitment. Thinking back over the men I've dated, I'm starting to realize that there have been some that really, truely wanted to find someone to settle down with. But I wasn't ready. And let me tell you, I ran.

Take my first college boyfriend. He was looking for someone to get married with and have kids -- and I, in a bold face lie, told him I didn't want kids. I'm not really sure why I said it, I knew I was lying when I did, but it felt wrong. It was my subconcious looking out for me. It felt wrong to be a freshman in college and making such commitments when I had barely started my major. I wanted to grow into it. And, as can expected, he went on to date someone else for the next four years. I heard she backed out too, though.

Take the guy in Maryland that bought me an Irish car bomb (and, of course, I won that race) and then took me out to the nicest restaurant in the city that weekend. He had a good job, he was funny, his friends were settling down and he had that look in his eye. He didn't have to say it, but you can tell. And I barely gave him a chance. He was cute, funny, smart, but I ran. I snuffed that flame before it was really even lit. I ran.

There have been others -- I won't even get into the college guy I met on the airplane -- but these were the first examples that came to mind. I've broken up with other boys before. And I've chased boys that I know, deep down, never had any intention of even a smidgen of commitment. And I think that's why I chased them. And went out with them. And, in some cases, visited their parents in New Jersey and listed to their mom talk about the backwardness of the Midwest and how could anyone from a state where they pronounce their oooooooohhhs like this be civilized? I listened and I smiled and I put up with it even though, deep down, I knew it would never result in anything. Because I knew I wasn't ready.

I'm not sure if D falls into this category or not. Two years is a lot more complicated to analyze than two weeks or two months. Did it follow a similar pattern than before? Yes and no. There were also a lot of core differences that we couldn't shake. But just for the sake of it, let's compare. Before I knew I wanted to excell at college and be known for my own work (which I did, quite prominently), just like I knew I didn't want to stay in Maryland, although I probably would have liked to date that nice Pentagon police officer (I moved back home shortly later). I've known for at least a year that I wanted a new job in a new city, so maybe my subconcious was making a move again.

As I continue my job search, one of the things I'm really thinking hard about is the community. Not just the company or the position, but what it would be like to live there for a long, long time. To fall in love and have kids there, to make friends there. I know you can do that anywhere; the paragraphs above show that. Hell, the men above show that I'm the marrying type, even if I wasn't ready. But I want to be in a spot where I can fully commit, and choose a guy that has the qualities that I am looking for -- not someone that I know, somewhere deep down, is wrong for me because the space and time is wrong for a commitment.

So there you go. A brief analysis of my dating history. And it's starting to make me rethink my philosphy about life and love.

I used to think that you would your perfect person and it could be the wrong time or the wrong place, but if it was real you would work it out. I am now saying hogwash. It's not about the perfect person. There are plenty of people that you can have a beautiful, happy and long life with. What's more important is being at the right place and the right time when you meet one of those people -- so you don't feel forced to give something up that is important to you in order to keep them.

(Ok, I confess, I recently saw a rerun of the final episode of Sex and the City ...)

So maybe it's starting to be the right time for me, and maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to start dating again here. There was a cute guy at lunch that I had the perfect opportunity to talk to, but I know I want to move. So maybe my subconcious is looking out for me. And maybe I should listen.

(And hurry up and find a new job.)