back up

I'm back up at 131. This is somewhat expected, and I'm glad I didn't go higher, given the food I ate over the weekend and the two pb&js I had yesterday for dinner. Yes, two. I was seeking comfort food for a very legit reason!

It's time to get back on track, though.

I bought some microwavable dinners for this week, I'm just not feeling up to cooking a lot. There's so much to do and fit in. Thursday I go talk to the masters program people and Friday night mom's coming up so we can run Saturday's 5k. I'll be sad when she flies back south.

Here's my plan this week:

Tonight is spinning and strength training.
Tomorrow is a hardish 2 mile run.
Thursday is either the eliptical or an easyish 2 mile run.
Friday is rest.
Saturday is the 5k.

I broke up with D today. Again. He asked if this was working and I said no, it's not. It was probably the third or fourth time he's asked me that since we got back together. For some reason this is all via text message and phone -- every time we talk like this in person neither of us can let go. It's time to let go, though. In my heart I know it's time.

For some reason, I feel releaved. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to work so hard at us anymore, and feel like the only one that's fighting. I know he's fighting, but it feels half hearted. I don't feel like I'm a priority, or even make the top five. I understood more when he was preparing or on his deployment. But now -- well, now I feel it's a choice and each time he changes plans it hurts. I feel like I can't count on him anymore.

I can't be there to support him anymore. It's making me miserable because he's not there to support me.

And it's time I start looking out for me.

I am a runner (not a jogger)

(My own version of Runner's World penguin column. I may not be fast, I may actually be relatively slow, but I am still a runner.)

I am a runner because I train and I improve, although gradually. I have a plan, a calendar and a log.

I am a runner because everything else I do -- spin, swim, eliptical, yoga, weight lifting, core work -- is cross training. And nothing else is quite as satisfying.

I am a runner because I race. Not to win, but against myself. I sign up and get a bib number and I run to beat my own time, to PR. (And to get the t-shirt)

I am a runner because I am no wimp. I run in all kinds of crazy north-midwestern weather. Rain, snow, hail. When it reached -30 below windchill and my car wouldn't start, I braved frostbite to get to the apartment gym and get on a treadmill.

I am a runner because I have gear. And gu. And shoes. And retired running shoes.

I am a runner because I think about my food, well some of my food, as fuel.

I am a runner because I have tested and broken my limit. I have been sidelined by injury. I have hurt my feet, my IT band, felt soreness is shins and hamstrings. I am learning to embrace those limits and listen to them.

I am a runner because I can't help but talk about running to friends, family and coworkers. And I sometimes talk other people into running or training with me.

I am a runner because I have never feel quite as alive as I do on the trail, running through the woods, crunching fallen leaves, listening to the rush of the river and the rythem of my breath.

I am a runner because I can be. I want to be.

the weekend

Well, the day after tomorrow test worked. I'm still holding at 130.5. I've been eating very sensible, home cooked meals that are well balanced. Even my take-out yesterday at lunch was healthy -- I orded sushi. Thats it's, just sushi.

This weekend will be a challenge to maintain that, though. I've been invited out to dinner with D's family on Friday, dinner with my family on Saturday, drinks with my brothers on Saturday night and brunch on Sunday. Everything that I have going on, minus spin on Saturday morning and a long(ish) run on Sunday, has to do with food!

But, I am so excited to see family. So hopefully I can concentrate on the relationships instead of what's on my dinner plate. I'll have to think of a better strategy than that, of course.

I didn't fall asleep until way past midnight, late for my normal 10 pmer time. I was tired, sad, cried a little, D was unavailable via phone, got up, watched some Scrubs reruns and finally fell asleep. Something's going on in my head and I need to fix it.

knock on wood

I lost a pound (130.5 and crossing my fingers) today and was on goal with diet and exercise. This whole write everything down and eat less seems to be working since I've lost 1.5 pounds so far. The sheer simplicity astonishes me. But the true test will come the day after tomorrow. If this is a maintainable approach. If I keep the weight off or even loose a little more.

My shins feel kind of tight right now, which is odd because I never have problems with my shins. I did 30 minutes eliptical and my core and arm workout. I debated in my head if I should go run, since it was a beeeautiful fall evening but I knew, deep down, that I cannot run and weight train on the same day. It's just that I cannot get my butt to the gym after I've been let free on the wooded trails. The gym is just too confining!

Work was blah. I've overwhelmed in the I'm-pretty-sure-no-I'm-nearly-certain-that-I-don't-want-to-be-here kind of way. There's all this work and small projects and large projects and online projects and pressure, oh the pressure! It wouldn't be quite so much pressure if someone had their act together earlier, but no. That wouldn't be right.

It's not that I can't do it. I can. I've proven I can. I've won awards, including the mvp award last year. I just don't think I want to anymore -- in the not-wanting-to sense that it's hard to completely give something up after dreaming of it since the ripe age of 13.

On another completely random note, this month's Runners World has my all-time favorite penguin column. It's a list about why he, a non-faster runner, the premier waddler, is in fact a runner. Tune in later because my list of why I'm a runner, not a jogger, is coming soon.

the one mile race

Woosh!

I won SECOND place! The number two female runner!

Not only did I make my reasonable goal of sub-10, but I ran a sub-9 minute mile. I finished in 8:59.

And I have a $25 gift certificate and a metal to show for it.

(So what if there were only two female runners? For the first time, ever, I PLACED!)

Oh, and I didn't come in last. Because my boss, the crazy marathon runner that organized this whole thing? He ran with me and made sure I wasn't last. :-)

one mile

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's one mile race. Yes, it's only a mile. Yes, I can finish. But the pre-race butterflies are here.

I set a very reasonable goal of a sub-10 minute mile. It's still a push since I've been running 11 minute and 12 minute miles. I would like sub-9 and would really, really like sub-8. With my knees acting up and my feet still recoving, through, sub-10 is a good goal. It's a nice, healthy, reasonable, how-can-I-fail goal that is also an injury-free goal.

I like goals like that! So why am I nervous? Here's the catch. The catch I failed to think about, or factor in, or even acknowledge until today.

It's a work function. My boss is a crazy marathoner and he put this one mile run together to race money for the United Way. He's coached me through the half marathon last spring and the injury this summer. So when he asked, how could I say no?

So here's the big question (oh, the irony is killing me!)

What do I wear?

Should I show up in my normal running gear, my teeny-tiny running shorts and tank top? In front of people who will determine my next raise? And some of the public officials (ahem mayors) I have to deal with each day?

Am I crazy?

diet

I've been thinking about my diet tonight, and it's time to rethink the strategy. There's simply no reason I should be working out five days a week for 30 mintues to an hour and not loosing weight.

Except if I'm eating to compensate. Which is what I am -- I'm still doing what I did this spring when I trained for the half marathon. But the thing is, I'm not running 10 miles each weekend like I was then. That's 1,000 extra calories I got to add to my week that I simply shouldn't be adding.

Which is why these five pounds I've gained since running the race (hello!) put themselves on my tummy and thighs and are simply not budging.

Of course, I could just start working out like a maniac. But if this weekend is any indication, I might overtrain and be sidelined. I've only been back at this regular five a week schedule for 6 weeks now. I need to maintain my workout intensity before I increase it more. No more injuries. That's my goal.

I searched the apartment today for my old weight watchers books circa 2002. Whenever I went back on plan, counted my points, wrote everything down, I lost weight. Never reached goal but I've lost. The books, which used to live in my kitchen drawer, well, they've vanished. Vanished!

My solution is simple, mostly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new ones (they're expensive online!) I'm going to borrow my mom's old ones when I go home next weekend, but until then here are my goals:

1. Write everything down that I eat.
2. Eat pre-portioned meals that are well balanced with veggies, protein and mostly non-refined carbs.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
4. One small treat a day.
5. Write EVERYTHING down. Everything.

PS I went to touch football. It was fun and I started breathing heavily, until my teammates and I were attacked by a swarming army of knats. So 20 minutes of walking and occasionally splint, how many points does that burn? We went back to a friends apartment to play a game, where I successfully avoided the cupcakes. One girl ate three, but I ate NONE! One small victory for my waist line.

Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.

football

My knees and feet are still sore this morning, so I'm changing my normal weekend workout sessions.

(Oh, and by the way, I'm around 131 - half a pound!)

Friday: Eliptical plus arm/back strength.
Saturday: Long run (about 3 miles) plus power yoga.
Sunday: Touch football. Yes, football.

No, I don't really know how to play. Yes, I know there have been some serious injuries sometimes involving surgery on this team in the last few years. But I have officially been talked out of my two-year hiatus from the sport. And I'm stronger and more aware of my body than ever before.

It's time to make a change.

I'm making a comeback.

risk

I was originally going to write about my new strategy of rewarding myself for working out.

After getting back from my run, I thought about writing about my feet and my knee. My IT bands were acting up, which hasn't been an issue for almost six months.

Then I thought about writing about chocolate. I wasn't able to pass up the mm cookies but could easily pass up the cake today at work.

But the thing is, none of these really matter. Because I came to a realization tonight. A realization that streches across many aspects of my life.

I. am. afraid.

of.

risk.

Yes, risk. I'm scared to leave the job I'm unhappy am, because I'm afraid of my next move. Of taking a risk.

I'm scared about moving to a different state. I'm scared about not liking a new company or new coworkers. I'm scared I'll regret not going to grad school, or going to grad school for the wrong thing. I'm scared about giving up the career I've dreamed of since I was 13. But I'm scared that not pursuing a new career will leave me in the dust.

I'm scared about leaving D, even though I'm questioning what we're doing. I'm scared of wishing we stayed together.

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

But I'm also scared of not moving forward.

POWER yoga!

Well, I'm still at or about 132 lbs. It's hard to not get disappointed, but at the same time I had chocolate in the afternoon and lots of granola after dinner. When the math is said and done, it's still too high.

It started thundering right when I got off of work yesterday, and so my window to run (between 6 and 7, when the sun sets) was squashed. Instead I did 30 minutes of "power yoga," where you do sun salutations between every other set.

It got my heat rate up slightly and I was breathing pretty heavy. But the stretching -- especially the downward dog -- was amazing. Today my legs feel loose and relieved. They feel like they're ready for a good run tonight.

It was hard to get started with yoga, but I made a 30 minute playlist and got into it at the end. It was very calming and relaxing, and makes me wonder if I should add it to my routine on my "rest" days. Or maybe after a run or something.

So, while the scale didn't move there is a small victory here. Instead of sitting on the couch (although I did that later) when the rain ruined my run, I did 30 minutes of yoga. I was motivated.

And that's something,

stress relief

Yesterday was a good eating/workout out day. I ate sensibly, despite having an emotional rollercoaster ride at work that involved tears. Many tears.

Spinning came as a welcome relief. It was one of those days that I just needed to sweat all the stress out of me, and it worked. Besides maintaining a healthy weight and being strong, the stress-release of my running and biking routine is a huge reason why I get through the excuses and do it.

Eating went well too, I think I had a net total of 1500-1600 after I subtract my hour workout of cardio and weights.

I'm getting the hang of my arm workout routine, and brought my book. It actually really helped (although I felt subconcious toting a journal around) because I could see what weight I was at before and how many reps. I also marked where I thought I could move up next time. I always forget these things, so it's really helpful. I hope it keeps me on track.

Well, today is a fun day. I haven't decided if I'll run at the gym (and do the 1.5 mile time test) or if I'll go outside on the trail. I'm leaning toward outside, since in a week I'll be running a 1 mile race and can use that time as a gauge.

If I run on the trail, it will be between 22-24 minutes, and I'll do yoga OR a lower body workout. Definately a more defined core workout than I do at the gym.

So yes! I'm feeling good so far today. Despite all the tears at work yesterday, I'm hoping the situation improves so at least work is tolerable.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.

mantra

Repeat after me:

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight: Spinning, core, arm/back strength.

no running

No running today.

And I fell off my healthy diet by eating grilled cheese, tomato soup (from a can), coleslaw and ice cream for dinner.

BUT.

I laughed. And talked. And had a really good time with coworkers.

And we didn't talk about relationships once.

And I laughed even more.

it.was.awesome.

a step forward

Well, I still don't like my job. But I took a step forward yesterday and applied for a magazine job. So cross your fingers for me!

I'm still a tad sore from yesterday's "long" run and yoga, and the nearly-twisted ankle is still sore but luckily walkable.

I'm still considering doing my "fitness test" today. My bag's all packed to go to the gym tonight. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. A blah mood. Blah blah blah.

run + yoga

Today's run started off weakly but ended strongly.

I went to the quarry and tried to keep my heartratein the 170s, which was hard. It kept creaping up to the 180s and above! I walked a few times, which helped. This was suppose to be an "easy long run." My first "long run" since getting back out there.

Well, I definately walked after I slipped on one of the boulders along the bike trail and skinned by hip! Thank goodness I didn't sprain my ankle -- but it does make me wonder if I should suck it up and order some trail running shoes.

Anyway, I walked for a few minutes but did 35 overall -- so, at or about 3 miles. I feel really good about that. It's the first time I've gone that far, and I did end really strong. My feet felt fine at the end. I was tempted to push it farther, but no. I know better. I should hang out at 35 minutes for at least a week or two or three before I push it to 45 minutes.

When I got home, I did the "power yoga" routine in the book I bought. I didn't follow the routine exactly, so it took me about 15 minutes intead of 20 to 30 minutes. But for a first attempt, I liked it. I was really, really sweaty too!

The best part was I put on my own music instead of the sappy new-age stuff they play at the gym. I moved through the moves faster, too. Between 8 and 16 counts per step. It'll get longer with practice, though. I have no worries of that.

But overall, I can see myself doing a yoga routine 1-2 times a week after a run. I think it might be a good way to build some overall strength at home.

lost

Well, between yesterday and today I read a whole book. It was nice, but now I'm still in relaxing mode.

I also have a slight headache and my tummy hurts.

And yes, I'm suppose to run this afternoon. It's beautiful -- seriously, a rare northern fall day -- so I know I'll get my feet in gear soon and go. I'm thinking about taking it slow and going for a 30 minuter. We'll see.

Mostly, I'm slightly sad I don't have any plans today besides running and cleaning, which of course I do really need to do. D and I had talked about going for a walk with the pups, but it's nearly one and he's not answering his phone. So it sounds like that's not happening, which I'm trying not to get to down on. I'm trying.

I can also feel the tension building up inside me. It's almost Monday and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to making myself happier in my career. One more week of pushing it out, really, the daily grind.

I feel so lost right now.

by the numbers

This evening I totally thought I blew my calories today, but I didn't really blow it. Not even close to blowing it.

Which could mean a few things. Especially since, at nearly 10 p.m. tonight, I'm still quite full.

1. I'm making healthier, less-caloric choices.
2. I'm eating smaller portions.
3. I'm workout out like a maniac.
4. I should never have won that math award in college.

I added them up on my practice sheet, and after subtracting out some workout calories I'm just slightly above my goal of between 1600-1700 calories.

B: Yogurt, banana. (300)
L: Two eggs, ww bagel with LF cream cheese, 1/4 cup red potatoes, coffee with soy milk. (600)
S: 1/2 ww bagel with hummus, diet coke; nachoes, WW fudge bar; 1/2 bagel with cream cheese. (800)
D: Baked tofu, broccoli, 1/2 acorn squash, 2 WW fudge bars. (600)

Workout: Spinning (35 minutes), core and arm weights. (500)

2200 - 500 = 1800.

Amazing.

And I'm full.