Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.