one step at a time.

I got to thinking today about how much more relaxed and less anxious I am since D and I broke up.

Granted, my life still feels out of wack and without control (it may be my crazy eating; healthy one meal, horrible junk for snack in bretween), but it's a lot less than before.

Which reinforces that we made the right decision.

I am not responsible for his happiness, his financial woes, his lost attitude, his broken family, his drinking issues. I no longer need to take my time and energy to support his box of troubles.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Today I drive home and tomorrow I'm off to Arizona to visit my sister! Lots of hiking, swiming, exercising, shopping and generally relaxing is planned. I'm also bringing down a magazine sheet of strength moves, which I'm going to start doing 2-3 times a week. I have a plan that I'll explain in another post.

I'm also planning that this will be the first day of my "eat well and healthfully" life. I've allowed the pity eating to go on too long and now I woke up with a stomache ache.

And finally, I'll leave with this quote:

"You are one step closer to meeting the one you were meant to be with."

alone ...

I had one of those weird days yesterday where I was craving friendship and laughter but couldn't actually bring myself to participate.

D texted me -- again -- after I told him not to the previous night. I know he wants to stay friends but I just need some time and some space to be alone with the world.

And that's where I am right now. I just want to be alone, doing my own thing, making plans for the future. I think word of our breakup has spread around the office, since my supervisor said to me: "We hope you stay with us in the future, instead of going somewhere else."

To be honest, I don't know what I want yet. Except that I want to live somewhere beautiful and outdoorsy, that's big enough not to get boring, and I want to move into a place a get a dog. Which, of course, requires a little bit more money than I'm earning now.

Anyway, today's a rest day but I think I'm going to do some strength training. I need to add that in.

I've had a very successful exercise week, if not eating week: Sunday I ran a mile; Monday was kickboxing; Tuesday was spinning; yesterday was running 1.5 miles. (My foot hurt at the end so I didn't push it to 20 minutes like I wanted to).

getting back

I feel a lot better today. I feel like I finally have a grasp on the last few weeks that's full of perspective instead of emotion. That makes a difference.

In the last two weeks I've done well at getting my butt to the gym and running (although I'm only at a mile right now).

However, my weight is at 132 -- my high point usually after Christmas!

I've been eating a lot of salty foods -- sushi, frozen one-serving pizza, canned soup, cheese. Of course, that's better than the cookies and ice cream the week before, but still. (On a good note, I did pass up the donuts yesterday at the meeting).

Time to get back to my regular eating patterns, which are full of veggies and fruits and little salt or processed foods.

a good friend

It is a good friend who can remind you just how unhappy you were before the breakup.

How you were frustrated and felt taken for granted or under appreciated or not supported before all this shit hit the fan. How you kept sayings, things will get better when x, y or z happens. But those things came and went and there was just more frustration.

How you wanted to change jobs and leave this place so bad before the break up that you were willing to apply to anything that looked decent, even if it meant leaving a career you've worked your whole life for and wanted since you were 13, and how your urgency has changed since the break up to not being urgent at all.

And how it might not be the job or the career or the place that you wanted to leave in the first place.

A very, very good friend indeed.

Spinning made me feel better. I sweated more than I have sweated in a long time.

I'm still horribly sad though.

I don't think I've ever been this sad before.

This is going to take time.

I am so amazingly undeniably unwaveringly sad.

sigh ...

Yesterday was the first day of what will be a series of days, weeks then months and years (sigh) of me not speaking to Derek.

Okay, that may seem dramatic. The hope is to stay friends, posisbly even reconnect when the timing is better and all. But if I'm going to move forward I need to commit myself to what's best for me and right now, that's moving forward without him.

Sigh.

It was hard. No phone call at lunchtime. No afternoon text message. No goodnight before bed. I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep. That goodnight has always brought me comfort, and now it's gone.

I fell asleep to the thought of asking him to meet up in a few weeks to walk the dogs at the quarry. I thought that would be a nice, neutral environment to just hang out as friends and to see the dogs. I haven't quite decided if it's a good idea yet or not, though.

Sigh.

On more positive notes:

* I did kickboxing last night and didn't die as much as last week. C was there, which was fun. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I met her.

* I wore my cute gym outfit to the gym and this guy held the door -- even though I was quite a bit away -- for me. Because I was cute! Yay!

i believe

Well, it's official official. D and I are parting ways.

We had a long talk -- again -- last night, with many tears, and while there was a brief moment of hope when we talked about getting back together I knew, deep down, that it was not to last. I knew that if we were to get together, we would be re-evaluating it in three to six months. Which is so hard to admit.

I feel like we love eachother very much and that we could make a great couple. But we need different things right now. The timing of our lives are so far out of wack that there's no way to meet in the middle.

He needs to regain control of his life - deal with the foreclosure, drinking, military, family bullshit and all the other baggage -- and as much as I want to I cannot be there to hold his hand. Because I need someone who will be there for me as I decide what I want to do in life. I need someone who can meet in the middle and make a commitment and make a decision to be with me.

But he is so wrapped up in regaining control in his life that he cannot spare the support that I need.

And so, we're letting eachother go.

I believe that we both hope that eventually, we'll come back together once the timing and life is better for it. I think we both believe that our story together is not quite done.

But I also cannot base my life on a belief that may or may not be true.

And so, I need to let him -- and all the dreams I had for us together -- go.

I need to let him go. For me.

ahhhh the quarry

I ran a mile at the quarry this afternoon.

Oh, how I have missed the quarry!

I just love it there. I love how naturey it is.

And really, the quarry has helped me decide that I really want to live in an outdoorsy area. I would go every day before work if it opened just a little bit earlier (now it only opens at 8).

There's something about running on the dirt bike trails, being surrounded by woods and prairie, not seeing cars and trucks and many other people. Just me.

My right foot is still a little sore, so out will come the ice. I plan on sticking to a mile (well, 12-15 minutes) for the rest of the week and possibly uping it in Arizona or when I get back. My plan now is to add it to my exercise routine instead of replacing a class.

So running in the morning and then classes in the evening -- should be fun, keep me busy and help me get back into shape.

life

Well my work friend A came over yesterday and we made pizza and drank beer (I know! I had two and a half ... but it was worth it) and watched sex in the city and had a good time. It made me happy and wishing I have fostered more friendships in the almost three years I've been here. I'll remember that for the next move.

Anyway, I didn't run or really exercise at all yesterday but I did clean my apartment, which feels nice and airy right now. Laundry and some more cleaning/organizing are on my list for today as well before D comes over and I say my final goodbye to him.

I'm going to ask him to stop calling and texting me, at least until I can move past him. I don't want to end up being his "cusion" until he decides to date some other girl. That would be heart break all over again.

In this breakup I'm realizing I need to concentrate on what I need and I want. This has been, in a sense, a military relationship in the fact that I have been the supporter and he has needed the support. Now, I need to support myself. What do I need or what? What goals do I want to accomplish?

One is being healthy, which I have started doing more of (although the pizza and ice cream and beer on weekends are thrownig me off my game. I'll need to get on that) since we broke up.

One is fostering healthy friendships, something that I have had two blows on but am working one. I've realized that most my high school friends are the unhealthy type -- the obsess over weight and boys type -- which I have slowly cut out of my life. The other is that I have been so supportive of D that I haven't fostered my own girl friendships with those that like talking about things other that guys! I did meet C though, so I feel good about that.

One is being the type of girl that doesn't obsess over things, from work worries to guys to my thighs. I get border-line sometimes.

One is being outdoorsy, which I need to get over doing by myself. I think that's why I love running vs. walking, because it's normal to go running alone vs. walking alone.

One is being organized, semi-planned out, which D hated and was the complete oposite of.

One is figuring out what I want to do career-wise and where I want to live (somewhere outdoorsy!)

And the main one -- is realizing and accepting all of these positive changes will take time. It may take a few months and it may take a few years.

And that's okay.

actually four things ...

Well, I did three things that I felt good about today.

1. I ran 1.1 miles in 12 minutes which, according to the fancy online calculator, is an 11 min. mile -- a while minute faster than what I ran yesterday! My feet were a little sore but overall felt good. Another week of one milers and I may just be able to up it a half mile to 1.5!

2. I went to dinner with my new friend C. She's so nice. She also broke up with a guy recently (although they only went out for two months vs. D and my two years) and so she understands. It felt soooo good to talk to somebody that was a) not obsessed with a guy/getting guys and b) totally cool and fun and happy and c) laughed with me! I was especially glad to be out because ...

3. D called to confirm what we had already talked about today, and I decided to not call him back. This will be a first. But it's time and he even said it himself in the message ... "if I don't talk to you today I'll call you Sunday before you come over ..." (he wrote me a letter and will give me his stuff back then). This may lead to ...

4. Not speaking/texting D for a whole day tomorrow, which will be a first.

But this is my life. And I need to start falling out of love with him because I deserve someone who wants to be with me, marry me, have kids with me and love me for me. Choose me for me. Laugh with me. Have me as a priority. Love me for me.

I deserve that.

one mile at a time

Even though the urge to cry comes at unexpected times. Even though I am now questioning everything I once had planned out -- my career, my home, my future family -- even though I feel like pieces I have put together so carefully over the last two to ten years are starting to crumble.

Even though.

I made an important step forward yesterday. Two, actually.

1. I ran a mile. I took it slow, at a 12 min. mile pace, but I did it.

It's been three months, really, since I have ran. Stupid plantar fasciattis. But my inserts seem to be doing the job, and alhtough my feet are a little sore, I believe ice will help.

And it gave me that feeling that I saught during D's deployment -- which surprisingly is bringing up the same feelings as the breakup now -- an "I can do this, I am strong" feeling.

Of all the exercises I know, only running gives me that feeling of empowerment.

2. I resisted the urge to tell D that I ran a mile.

He's really the only one that understands how groundbreaking running a mile is. I really wanted to tell him, and I'm sure he would have been kind and said "good job" or "that's great." But then, I realized that that was what I was seeking -- approval.

Why am I seeking approval?

I realized that I'm doing it everywhere. I'm looking for approval to acknowledge my accomplishments.

But why?

Why is somebody else's approval so important?

The only one who needs to approve is me!

the end, or the beginning

Well, it's now the second day and I guess it's official.

D and I -- after almost two years, one deployment, multiple financial woes on his part and some crazy relatives -- have broken up.

It's not exactly where I thought we would be. But after two days of bawling my eyes out and eating junk (Although, I did go to spin class yesterday) it's time for me to embrace all that is healthy. Or this is going to be way to hard.

To make a long story short, he didn't forsee marrying me. Even though we really care for each other, we're too different and we've been struggling with it for awhile. When push came to shove, he didn't want me making life decisions (about my career mostly that may involved moving an hour away) based on him.

He doesn't want a long distance relationship, even if it's an hour. He doesn't want to be in a relationship at all, because he moved into a house full of single guys that just drink and play video games all the time.

I am feeling so many emotions. Mad. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Lonely. Frumpy. Like a failure. Ugh.

As much as it hurts to admit it, I can understand it (although just barely. This is going to take time).

Better now than in two years from now. Better now than to break off an engagement, call off a wedding, or get divorced.

Better now so I can make a career move and find someone who really does want to be with me.

Better now so I can get back to my healthy ways and take care of me.

my life

I have been going through a funk lately. The non-running plus parents moving plus career worries plus job stress just doesn't suit me very well. And, lets face it, I'm one of those people whose emotional environment greatly affects them. If people I hang around are unhappy (i.e. most of my coworkers) then I, too become unhappy.

But today I work and decided that I am not going to wallow any more. I'm going to actively lead my life in a way I want to.

That means:

On the health front:
- Regularly exercising in the morning before work. I started Monday and have already squeezed in three workouts so far this week, a much better track record than if I post pone it for after work. I feel good about taht.
- A running goal. I already have a 5K training plan and goal picked out for September, with a back-up goal in October. I see the foot doctor in less than a week and hopefully he gives me the go-ahead.
- Learning about biking. I'm saving money for a road bike, getting my hybrid fixed and subscribing to bicycling. I have a feeling this hobby will help my physically and mentally.
- Eat healhier. Already I've lost one pound this week, so I'm back to 130. I feel better. I'm not craving junk. It makes a difference.

On the career front:
- Actively seek out meaningful stories.
- Actively take destressing breaks.
- Actively apply to jobs in places (ie beautiful places) I will enjoy.
- Actively pursue a childrens writing career. (I already have one call out!)
- Actively learn about librarianship, as it's a career choice I keep coming back to.

On the mental front:
- Realize the choices I make as an adult are mine to make, and mine alone.

On the relationship/friend front:
- Stop relying on D for my after-work activities. Make other friends (which seems to be harder than I realize).
- Starting going on "dates" again with D.
- Start calling family more often.

On the other-parts-of-my-life front:
- Start being creative. Draw, paint, play music. I miss that.
- Start keeping a journal. That usually helps destress me.
- Seek out nature. I love nature.