glass half empty

I took another day off from running today. My eating was better, but not there yet.

Today I needed to focus on my emotions.

This morning I was so mad. Mad at him not attending a family event with me this weekend, mat at the deployments, mad at D's house for not being done, mad at his mom for being an alcoholic and making poor decisions. I was so mad at D for leaving me again, after he was barely home, for a vacation.

And so our wonderfulness began to unwind.

I tried to express my frustrations. All he heard, and seemed to want to communicate, was that he felt we were different. That maybe we should take a break. How unfair it was that after his deployment I was bringing this up, now, while he was on vacation.

But all I was having was a weak moment. A moment when I needed someone to say, it will be okay. The deployments over, it will be back to normal sooner rather than later. That the house is so close to being done, we'll be bbqing there this summer.

I needed him to be optimistic. I have been so strong, so optimistic, our constant cheerleader. I have played that role well over the last six months.

Today, I faltered. Today, I needed him to be optimistic.

But no. Because that's not who he is. He's a pessimist, to the core. So again I had to play the optimist when he started talking about taking a break. I had to be my own cheerleader until, finally, after hours, he said something that gave a sparkle of hope.

That the house would be done this summer. That taking our own vacation in two weeks would be good for us.

Which is great. But more than anything, today's events make me questions us. I can be strong, I've proven that. But I can't be strong alone.