decisions

It's finally friday and I'm really, really ready for the weekend. And this cold front to move on past. I miss running outside but after Wednesday's noon run and my frozen ears, well, I don't want to take chances again. Which makes me nervous -- am I going to have to run 5 miles on a treadmill on Sunday? I've been putting off treadmilling for as long as humanly possible.

On another note, today's the day I'm going to talk to my boss about my interest in moving up/to another place. Because I feel, personally and professionally, I'm ready. As much as I think about Wyoming and dream of living in the wilderness, I know deep down that it's not the right move for me. Which means I need to ask for help from within. Which is so amazingly hard. I've been putting it off for months.

Yesterday I did a 40 minute bootcamp video which was surprisingly hard but not the strength training section. I'm not used to doing all the squats and lunges, but they've got to be good for me. And it's nice to feel my muscles this morning. Tonight I'll probably do the eliptical and maybe some strength/core or even yoga; Saturday is spinning and arm strength; Sunday is a long run. Hopefully outside but not if the windchill drops to the negative teens again. I happen to like me ears.

dehydrated

I am dehydrated, which sucks. I went out for one glass of beer yesterday and half an individual pizza and I'm up to 130 and have a headache from dehydration. Blah. What a way to start a Thursday.

I did go run outside yesterday during lunch -- I ran up the hill (a mile) and did 6 hill repeats of 10-15 seconds each -- which was fine until I turned around and met a very strong headwind. I was very, very cold. Time for double layers on the legs and triple lays on top.

Oh, and I got a message about a job in Wyoming. I have mixed feelings. It sounds like an awesome place to live when it comes to the mountains and beauty and nature, but it's also really small and isolated and I would be working on my own.

So... I'll call back at lunch time and see what I can figure out. As my good friend told me, there's no harm in looking. You can always say no.

But I think this is going to kick my butt into talking to my boss about transfering up in the company. So maybe it's just what I need.

two life lessons i learned from a book i read on the plane...yes, i know. cliche.

I really overdid the carbs this evening, although I'm not really sure why. It's been a weird day. Going from 80 degrees to 1 degree outside is not fun! Work was slow and awkward and frustrating. Then I got amazingly painful stomach cramps a half-hour before I was suppose to spin. So I skipped spinning, went grocery shopping and made some (surprisingly) yummy tofu-pot-pie. The pie part isn't really even necessary and I might just have to add it to my recipe pile. So no spin, no strength. I told myself I would do yoga or a dvd but that didn't happen. I finished knitting a scarf only to realize that I had another ball of yarn I could have added to it. Yeah, it's been one of those days. I might give it to D since apparently he wants to get together, he called me last week before the trip but I haven't actually heard from him. Yeah, I know. I broke down and left him a message tonight. Two years and to be honest, I wonder if he'll ever be completely out of my life. But we did go through a lot, and maybe that's okay. I started knitting the scarf during his deployment and had a clear vision of myself wearing it while I was bicycling around his house. Obviously that's not going to happen for many reasons. So why not give it away as a clear-my-head peace offering? Or I might donate it to a homeless shelter or something. I'm in one of those moods where I want to say things but really am doubting if I want to mean them. There are two thoughts that keeping bouncing in and out of my mind, though. Because yeah, I read a chick lit book on the plane and these were the major morals of the story. And they really, really apply to me.

1. Forgiveness. I can't move forward until I accept and forgive. I'm starting to realize this applies to many people, including myself.

2. You reap what you sow. Or, which I like better since I'm not a farmer: The grass is not greener on the other side; it's greener because it's watered.

And, has my all-time favorite advice columnist recently said to someone in a much worse situation that I'm in:

When you hit bottom, or near bottom, do two things. Take care of yourself. And take care of others.

Hmmm. My mind is just buzzing tonight.

ahhhh vacation

I'm pleasantly surprised that my weight only increased .5 pounds -- to 128.5 or 129, depending on which way you step on the scale. Given that amazing holiday weekend and amazing food I had while visiting my parents in Arizona, I was very happy. But, even more happy that I got to spenda long weekend with all my siblings and my parents, who I miss. But I guess it's time they become snow birds and fly south ... and honestly, they both look happy and healthy. So the desert must be good for them.

I also was happy with my activity level -- a killer 5k with my brother on Thanksgiving (30:30!!), which is something like a 9:50 minute mile. My fastest one yet! A two hour hike up (and down) Pinnacle Peak, a horseback ride through the desert and an hour run (4.7 miles?) with my mom. Not to mention that we sat in the jaccuzi every single day!

Ahh what a life! :)

So now, it's time for my relaxed and vacationed self to go back to work... I just hope to hang on to this feeling, this confidence and I might dare to say glow for a while.

vaca baby

I worked my legs off in spinning today -- the first time I went in about two weeks -- and it felt damn good! Hard, but good.

I'm now on vacation and I'm starting to finally relax. We'll see how relaxed I am at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning when I wake up to get my arse to the airport at 5 a.m., but seriously relaxed.

The only stresser of today was when D called to see if we could meet up this week. No, I can't. I'm flying south. Apparently he wants to get together for lunch or something; sounds like there's a lot of changes happening in his world. I may be at that point next week. Three weeks of silence and it may be time to start communicating with the ex. If it's on my terms. And he actually follows through.

So, I'm putting that into the back of my mind next and I'm off to go bask in the sun of Arizona! woohoo! :)

Not right here, but maybe soon

I just watched the end of the bachelor and when he chose neither of them, I thought, yeah. That's what it's like. You can't just decide to fall in love with someone and get married; thinking and wishing and hoping and praying isn't squat when it's the wrong fit. Or more importantly, the wrong time. I know that. I'm living that right now.

Does that sound bitter? I hope not. I hope it sounds real. Not only do you have to meet someone who gets your jokes, but you have to be open to a commitment. Thinking back over the men I've dated, I'm starting to realize that there have been some that really, truely wanted to find someone to settle down with. But I wasn't ready. And let me tell you, I ran.

Take my first college boyfriend. He was looking for someone to get married with and have kids -- and I, in a bold face lie, told him I didn't want kids. I'm not really sure why I said it, I knew I was lying when I did, but it felt wrong. It was my subconcious looking out for me. It felt wrong to be a freshman in college and making such commitments when I had barely started my major. I wanted to grow into it. And, as can expected, he went on to date someone else for the next four years. I heard she backed out too, though.

Take the guy in Maryland that bought me an Irish car bomb (and, of course, I won that race) and then took me out to the nicest restaurant in the city that weekend. He had a good job, he was funny, his friends were settling down and he had that look in his eye. He didn't have to say it, but you can tell. And I barely gave him a chance. He was cute, funny, smart, but I ran. I snuffed that flame before it was really even lit. I ran.

There have been others -- I won't even get into the college guy I met on the airplane -- but these were the first examples that came to mind. I've broken up with other boys before. And I've chased boys that I know, deep down, never had any intention of even a smidgen of commitment. And I think that's why I chased them. And went out with them. And, in some cases, visited their parents in New Jersey and listed to their mom talk about the backwardness of the Midwest and how could anyone from a state where they pronounce their oooooooohhhs like this be civilized? I listened and I smiled and I put up with it even though, deep down, I knew it would never result in anything. Because I knew I wasn't ready.

I'm not sure if D falls into this category or not. Two years is a lot more complicated to analyze than two weeks or two months. Did it follow a similar pattern than before? Yes and no. There were also a lot of core differences that we couldn't shake. But just for the sake of it, let's compare. Before I knew I wanted to excell at college and be known for my own work (which I did, quite prominently), just like I knew I didn't want to stay in Maryland, although I probably would have liked to date that nice Pentagon police officer (I moved back home shortly later). I've known for at least a year that I wanted a new job in a new city, so maybe my subconcious was making a move again.

As I continue my job search, one of the things I'm really thinking hard about is the community. Not just the company or the position, but what it would be like to live there for a long, long time. To fall in love and have kids there, to make friends there. I know you can do that anywhere; the paragraphs above show that. Hell, the men above show that I'm the marrying type, even if I wasn't ready. But I want to be in a spot where I can fully commit, and choose a guy that has the qualities that I am looking for -- not someone that I know, somewhere deep down, is wrong for me because the space and time is wrong for a commitment.

So there you go. A brief analysis of my dating history. And it's starting to make me rethink my philosphy about life and love.

I used to think that you would your perfect person and it could be the wrong time or the wrong place, but if it was real you would work it out. I am now saying hogwash. It's not about the perfect person. There are plenty of people that you can have a beautiful, happy and long life with. What's more important is being at the right place and the right time when you meet one of those people -- so you don't feel forced to give something up that is important to you in order to keep them.

(Ok, I confess, I recently saw a rerun of the final episode of Sex and the City ...)

So maybe it's starting to be the right time for me, and maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to start dating again here. There was a cute guy at lunch that I had the perfect opportunity to talk to, but I know I want to move. So maybe my subconcious is looking out for me. And maybe I should listen.

(And hurry up and find a new job.)

two days and counting

I held the weight, which is pretty amazing and confirmation that it isn't a fluke. Today I will run 2 miles of hills and do some core work and tomorrow I will do spin, drive home and then Wednesay at the crack of dawn fly to sunny ARIZONA for Thanksgiving. I am so excited to see my family and bask in the warmth of the southwest! We have lots of fun things planned -- a 5k, a hike, a horseback ride, lots of swimming, etc. And we're even talking about having dinner outside. Can you think of anything crazier than having Thanksgiving dinner outside!?

I have a few errands to do today and tomorrow that include figuring out a credit card mess and applying to a job that, while not exactly what I want, it is an amazing place. I've been daydreaming about the mountains and rivers all weekend. So we'll see. Life is full of these decisions: Do you advance to work in a place you don't like, or do you take a lesser job in a place you love. And I'm starting to realize that there isn't a wrong decision to be made, you can always pick yourself back up and make a life.

I feel more and more drawn to the nature. One of the things I hope to find in a mate is a love of the outdoors -- hiking, canoeing, basically hanging out outside. So the possibility of having a state park in my backyard really excites me.

lower than expected

I weighed in at 128 this morning. It was June since I weighed this less and, looking back over the last year, it seems that I've dipped to this weight for only for a few weeks, most notably in March when I was running 10+ miles in preperation for the half marathon. Only once in 2007 did I record a lower weight: 127.5.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with this number. But it's a little unexpected and I'm suspicious -- I haven't been exactly good this week, so how did I drop 2 pounds?

I ran only three days with no cross training (I normally workout at least 5 days). I haven't strength trained in at least two weeks (could it be muscle loss? That would be bad!) My eating has been well portioned but have been eating my fair share of junk: Cocoa just about every night, bread while I'm fixing dinner, on Friday a burrito with cheese and last night some pizza.

But the weird thing is, my three runs have been awesome, besides the heel pain. And I'm half considering going out and dong a few miles today, although I told myself I would go swim. My two miler up the hill was done at a 10-minute mile pace. My three miler, including a mile of fartlek, felt good. My first five miles in five months (since MAY!) was amazing. Falling snow, the crunch of leaves on the trail, the rushing river, feeling alive and warm and insolated in the woods from the cold.

So why shouldn't I be happy with this number? I had other small victories that, honestly, were helped my a hectic night schedule. I haven't been snacking much at work, and when I have it's been a banana or popcorn. I've had chocolate every day (it is my period) but it's been a handful of peanut m&ms or cocoa, nothing exstravegant. I've been eating mostly meals I've prepared like mushroom-totellini soup (mmm) and bbq tempeh. I've included a few glasses of milk a week and, honestly, I feel more satesfied after that meal -- I'm getting more protein. I used portion control. I really wanted pizza last, but didn't eat all my pieces.

And hell, I've been working toward this since the summer. So why shouldn't I enjoy? Why shouldn't I feel proud?

So there it is. I'm accepting this number. It's not a fluke or a coincidence, but a reflection of my ever-better health habits and ever-improving workout schedule. And I'm going to maintain and try to continue to lose through the holiday season. I would love to be 125 when half marathon training starts in January and 120 when I run it in April (which equals about 125 dressed at the doctors office).

But if not, if I stay at 128, I know I'll be satisfied. It is, basically, my lowest weight of the year!

5 miles alone

I missed the running group. I pulled up just as they were leaving and there was no hope of me catching up. I got really down on myself -- why was I late, why wasn't I prepared, of course this would happen to me.

And then I brushed it aside. Now just wasn't the right time. And I went and I ran 5 miles on the trail while snow flurries were falling and it was beatuful and invigorating. And I went five miles. For an hour. I did it. And that's something to be proud of.

And I am. I'm glad I went by myself, I'm glad I accomplished what I did.

right here, right now, it's okay

I had moments of happiness today that I haven't felt in a while. I caught myself singing and even dancing to a song on tv as I wandered around the apartment doing chores. I'm starting to feel whole in my skin and again and, even though I'm not completely there, I have to say it feels damn good.

Making a targeted and deliberate effort to get out there, meet new people, pursue my passions and take pride in my work is really working. And so, it seems, is the smiling.

Every single day this break up is getting easier, I'm feeling more like my old self -- the self that smiled and laughed and burst into song when no one was around and shimmied her hips to a song. Yesterday a coworker commented that I was the one that always was smiling. Even though I know that's far from the truth, it's getting closer.

I was all flustered today to when I saw a guy I know through work at a ceremony I was at and he said hi to me. There were lots of folks that I've met through work that said hi to me today, yesterday, the day before. But this felt different. I said hi to him, but I was stammering. I didn't know what to say. I had one of those your-cute-and-words-are-not-forming moments. I know that I'm a long while away from dating again but being able to recognize that moment meant a lot. It means I'm healing and that, eventually, I'll meet someone that I can form words with. And, eventually, I'll meet someone to start a life with. The timing is just not right here, not right now.

And now I'm crying. Wow, it's been an emotional day! Smiles, tears -- I guess I'm really realizing that we're I am right now in life is okay. It's okay to be alone for a while, to give myself time to heal myself. It won't be forever, just for a while.

a brave thing ...

I did a brave thing today.

I signed myself up to run in a group. With other people. On Saturday. For five fricken' miles. And my feet are still sore.

But I did it. I signed up. And I'm going to baby my feet tomorrow and hit it bright and early Saturday morning.

I'm a little scared. I'm a lot nervous. I'm wondering if my feet will survive and if I'll humiliate myself by not being able to keep up or even finish.

But. I did it. And I'm going. It's all part of the picking-myself-up-and-putting-myself-back-together plan. Take risks, even though you may fail. Extend yourself and meet new people, even though they may not like you.

It'll be okay, right!? It's all part of the plan!

skipped the bar

I skipped the bar last night, slept in a bit, went for a two mile run, cleaned the kitchen and am now icing more feet. Icing the feet is a bad sign, it means they hurt after only running two miles (in 20 minutes, by the way!). I doubled up on socks today and it helped with the heel slipping a bit. I ordered a new pair of my old running shoes online so maybe that's the answer, not these fancy shoes I was talked into buying.

I skipped the bar last night for a number of reasons. I was tired, I wanted to run this morning, but also because I questioned the way I was invited. I know, I'm over analyzing a perfectly good drinking invite... the thing is, I'm not a big drinker. I would much rather play a game or do something outside or go out to dinner than sit around a bar and drink. Drinking for the sake of drinking makes me nervous -- and I hate how it makes me feel the next day. Don't get me wrong, I do like a glass of wine with dinner or a beer on a hot day. I just haven't made friends here (well, I have but they moved away ...) that view drinking for the sake of drinking the same way and I don't want to get sucked into a scene that I'm not comfortable with.

Blah.

Weight: 130
Run: 2 miles up the hill to the watertower, 20 minutes
Feet: My heels hurt :(

nature

I ran for the first time in a week, along a dirt trail along the Mississippi with amazing views of the water. It's only a mile long and so I did some sprints along the paved trail, which has no good views, but it connects and provides that additional mile to bring my total up to 3 plus today.

I love that trail, it's one of my absolute favorites. It's a gift I feel that running has given me. I used to only run on treadmills or in neighborhoods. Trail running is a hundred times better. Wherever I move next, I hope I can find trails like this one. Despite the harsh wind and 30 degree weather, the scenery is breathtaking and afterward I feel at peace with myself and nature.

When I run on it, I feel like I am right where I need to be.

mending myself

I've been doing a lot of self loathing lately, which has a lot to do with a lot of things. I sat down to write many times over the last week but didn't like how I sounded. I don't want to be that girl, complaining about breaking up and my weight and work and blah blah blah. I didn't used to be that girl. At least, not for a long time.

I remember in junior high I switched schools. Seventh grade was a bad, bad year and I remember thinking at one point that I could go through a whole day without speaking to someone besides my family. Anyway. I won a volleyball award in eighth grade at the new school for being the player that always smiled -- even if I didn't get to play very much. I was so deliriously happy to have friends that I didn't even realize I was happy or that things were much different, but it showed. I couldn't help but smile.

Now I'm feeling like I'm in seventh grade again. Nobody talkes to me. I don't have friends. Self pity is a very easy and slippery slope to slide down. But I have a lot to be thankful for and really, it's not that bad. It's just different and, while I've lost some relationships, I have the opportunity to grow some too. In the past few weeks I've done -- solo -- a lot of social and, I think, brave things. I went to a coworker's party. I went to touch football. I joined coworkers at a movie. I went to a volunteer trip reunion dinner. I went to a writing workshop. I also said no when appropriate; when I didn't want to get piss drunk or stay up until dawn. I looked out for me.

There's a lot of ways I'm moving forward. I bought make up, a new pair of jeans and shoes. Yes, little things but I'm starting to feel cute again. And I caught the eye of two guys today. I think one did a double-take. Sure it's little -- but I just need to feel pretty right now, and that's okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me and the kind of attitude I put off. I'm naturally shy and feel awkward around folks I don't know -- but that can be read as standoffish. I've been grumpy and frustrated at work lately, and that can be read as, well, grumpy. I don't think I smile enough and so have been making an effort to smile more and present myself as relaxed and comfortable and fun and generally happy. A few people are talking to me more at work. I don't think it's them, I think it's me.

This is all because I broke up with D, but it's more than that. It's because I'm doubting myself. And because in the last year I've broken off friendships that needed to be let go, but I never replaced them. For the first few weeks I thought about how wonderful D is. Now I'm starting to remember the things that really made me question his integrity and if I could marry him. I've come up with a dozen or so examples, which I decided against going into here. But this excerise has been good for my soul; I just needed to remember why I had to get out, why he wasn't the one for me and why I finally made the decision I did.

I'm not exactly out of the woods, but I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I'm trying -- and it's hard! -- to not compare myself to others in order to judge my self worth. I grew up never thinking I was good enough and comparing myself to my always-seemingly-perfect siblings. But that's not only wrong, but ironic because they think I'm the one who has it all figured out!

I may be single right now, but being single is a lot better than being with someone that drags you down and know, in your gut, you don't want to marry. I may not be entering an ivy league law school, but I did win an award for my work this year, which is the third year in a row. I may be in a size 8 right now, but I'm still 35 pounds less than I was three years ago, fitter, stronger and have a half marathon under my belt. I may not be gorgeous, but I have a pretty girl-next-door look that works really well for me.

I haven't even mentioned my weight in this post and, while I thought about ignoring it, I do have a small victory to report. I weighed in at 129 this weekend and am maintaining at 130. Which is a 2 pound weightloss and something I can live with. I was sick all weekend and have yet to work out, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I needed to rest and mend myself; I still am mending myself. Part of this whole journey is taking care of myself and my body and that's what I'm doing.

And that's just where I need to be.

back on track ... part two

132. Talk about frustrating after I ran my 4 miler yesterday.

But then I thought back to what I ate this weekend and it was a "duh" moment. Sure, I worked out every day. Sure, I skipped the booze and goodies at the party. But. I ate a crazy number of nachos and cheese on Friday. And then I continued to munch on the chips the rest of the weekend and graze. I also had lots of chocolate and candy in the days following halloween. I didn't really cook at all last week and had moments where I just wasn't sure what I wanted -- and so I chose the non-healthy choice.

The chips are now in the garbage can. My fridge is now full of veggies and healthy fixings.

Now it's up to me. Time to seriously get my eating back on track!

moderation

Yesterday was a very sane eating day, even though there was plenty of potential otherwise. I feel really good about my willpower. All in all, I burned about 400 calories and didn't eat about 500 calories -- Without all this willpower, I would have been nearly 1,000 calories over budget!

* I went to the gym and did spin, even though I was tired and seriously did not want to be there. I picked the wrong bike and was kicking myself the whole time. But I finished and I did some core work, although I skipped the arm/back workout. Some days it's enough to just get through the cardio.

* I did some major shopping Saturday and at the grocery store, I decided that I should try my old trick of everything in moderation.

I bought diet coke (I so want to quit it!) but I bought the small 8 oz cans instead of the large ones. I plan to slowly start weaning myself off of them.

And I bought a pint of chocolage fudge ice cream. But here's the catch. I'm only allowing myself to eat 1/4 cup a day. That serving is about 130 calories, about equal to the fake sugar diet ice cream. In the last few years one of the things I've learned is that fake sugar just enduses more sugar cravings. I buy skinny cow ice cream bars and before you know it, I've eaten three or four of them. But the real stuff, like tbe Ben & Jerry's I bought, really hits the spot. I'm also planning and using this as motivation for bypassing the breakroom goodies. Here's my mantra -- "this looks good, but chocolate fudge icecream at home is so much better."


* I bypassed a calorie-rich fest at a party Saturday. There was lots of alcohol and lots of goodies and snacks and treats. But the thing was, I didn't really feel like drinking. I didn't trust myself to hold in all the crazy sad emotions I've been feeling and I really just wanted to have fun. And I only had one cookie, which surprised myself because I was near the food table the whole time. I had a healthy meal and a 1/4 cup of ice cream (see above) before I went and I just wasn't hungry. More than anything, I was thirsty and had about four glasses of water. (Total savings = 2 glasses beer, 2 cookies, handful chex mix, etc = 500 calories).

healthy-er

I realized today that I need some time to heal. I've been pushing myself and I'm just not quite ready or sure of my footing. I exchanged items again with D today and it was a horrible, miserable, no-good, very bad lunch. Seriously. I had tears welling about half the time.

I need to heal. I've been looking at datings sites but the thing is -- as much as I want to find love and happiness and settle down and start a family, as much as I want all that plus the picket white fence -- I'm just not ready. I need to be happy on my own so I don't make the same mistake of trying to find happiness in a guy. It took me two years to figure that out and you better believe I'm going to head it. So no dating until at least January. At least.

I have a lot of other mending to do. I want to lose weight. I want to get stronger and faster. I want to finish writing my children's book. I want to encourage and create friendships. I want to get back into art and music. I want to further embrace nature. I need to get back my footing -- and make sure I'm on solid ground -- before I should even think about dating. I don't have good judgement right now.