the weekend

Well, the day after tomorrow test worked. I'm still holding at 130.5. I've been eating very sensible, home cooked meals that are well balanced. Even my take-out yesterday at lunch was healthy -- I orded sushi. Thats it's, just sushi.

This weekend will be a challenge to maintain that, though. I've been invited out to dinner with D's family on Friday, dinner with my family on Saturday, drinks with my brothers on Saturday night and brunch on Sunday. Everything that I have going on, minus spin on Saturday morning and a long(ish) run on Sunday, has to do with food!

But, I am so excited to see family. So hopefully I can concentrate on the relationships instead of what's on my dinner plate. I'll have to think of a better strategy than that, of course.

I didn't fall asleep until way past midnight, late for my normal 10 pmer time. I was tired, sad, cried a little, D was unavailable via phone, got up, watched some Scrubs reruns and finally fell asleep. Something's going on in my head and I need to fix it.

knock on wood

I lost a pound (130.5 and crossing my fingers) today and was on goal with diet and exercise. This whole write everything down and eat less seems to be working since I've lost 1.5 pounds so far. The sheer simplicity astonishes me. But the true test will come the day after tomorrow. If this is a maintainable approach. If I keep the weight off or even loose a little more.

My shins feel kind of tight right now, which is odd because I never have problems with my shins. I did 30 minutes eliptical and my core and arm workout. I debated in my head if I should go run, since it was a beeeautiful fall evening but I knew, deep down, that I cannot run and weight train on the same day. It's just that I cannot get my butt to the gym after I've been let free on the wooded trails. The gym is just too confining!

Work was blah. I've overwhelmed in the I'm-pretty-sure-no-I'm-nearly-certain-that-I-don't-want-to-be-here kind of way. There's all this work and small projects and large projects and online projects and pressure, oh the pressure! It wouldn't be quite so much pressure if someone had their act together earlier, but no. That wouldn't be right.

It's not that I can't do it. I can. I've proven I can. I've won awards, including the mvp award last year. I just don't think I want to anymore -- in the not-wanting-to sense that it's hard to completely give something up after dreaming of it since the ripe age of 13.

On another completely random note, this month's Runners World has my all-time favorite penguin column. It's a list about why he, a non-faster runner, the premier waddler, is in fact a runner. Tune in later because my list of why I'm a runner, not a jogger, is coming soon.

the one mile race

Woosh!

I won SECOND place! The number two female runner!

Not only did I make my reasonable goal of sub-10, but I ran a sub-9 minute mile. I finished in 8:59.

And I have a $25 gift certificate and a metal to show for it.

(So what if there were only two female runners? For the first time, ever, I PLACED!)

Oh, and I didn't come in last. Because my boss, the crazy marathon runner that organized this whole thing? He ran with me and made sure I wasn't last. :-)

one mile

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's one mile race. Yes, it's only a mile. Yes, I can finish. But the pre-race butterflies are here.

I set a very reasonable goal of a sub-10 minute mile. It's still a push since I've been running 11 minute and 12 minute miles. I would like sub-9 and would really, really like sub-8. With my knees acting up and my feet still recoving, through, sub-10 is a good goal. It's a nice, healthy, reasonable, how-can-I-fail goal that is also an injury-free goal.

I like goals like that! So why am I nervous? Here's the catch. The catch I failed to think about, or factor in, or even acknowledge until today.

It's a work function. My boss is a crazy marathoner and he put this one mile run together to race money for the United Way. He's coached me through the half marathon last spring and the injury this summer. So when he asked, how could I say no?

So here's the big question (oh, the irony is killing me!)

What do I wear?

Should I show up in my normal running gear, my teeny-tiny running shorts and tank top? In front of people who will determine my next raise? And some of the public officials (ahem mayors) I have to deal with each day?

Am I crazy?

diet

I've been thinking about my diet tonight, and it's time to rethink the strategy. There's simply no reason I should be working out five days a week for 30 mintues to an hour and not loosing weight.

Except if I'm eating to compensate. Which is what I am -- I'm still doing what I did this spring when I trained for the half marathon. But the thing is, I'm not running 10 miles each weekend like I was then. That's 1,000 extra calories I got to add to my week that I simply shouldn't be adding.

Which is why these five pounds I've gained since running the race (hello!) put themselves on my tummy and thighs and are simply not budging.

Of course, I could just start working out like a maniac. But if this weekend is any indication, I might overtrain and be sidelined. I've only been back at this regular five a week schedule for 6 weeks now. I need to maintain my workout intensity before I increase it more. No more injuries. That's my goal.

I searched the apartment today for my old weight watchers books circa 2002. Whenever I went back on plan, counted my points, wrote everything down, I lost weight. Never reached goal but I've lost. The books, which used to live in my kitchen drawer, well, they've vanished. Vanished!

My solution is simple, mostly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new ones (they're expensive online!) I'm going to borrow my mom's old ones when I go home next weekend, but until then here are my goals:

1. Write everything down that I eat.
2. Eat pre-portioned meals that are well balanced with veggies, protein and mostly non-refined carbs.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
4. One small treat a day.
5. Write EVERYTHING down. Everything.

PS I went to touch football. It was fun and I started breathing heavily, until my teammates and I were attacked by a swarming army of knats. So 20 minutes of walking and occasionally splint, how many points does that burn? We went back to a friends apartment to play a game, where I successfully avoided the cupcakes. One girl ate three, but I ate NONE! One small victory for my waist line.

Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.

football

My knees and feet are still sore this morning, so I'm changing my normal weekend workout sessions.

(Oh, and by the way, I'm around 131 - half a pound!)

Friday: Eliptical plus arm/back strength.
Saturday: Long run (about 3 miles) plus power yoga.
Sunday: Touch football. Yes, football.

No, I don't really know how to play. Yes, I know there have been some serious injuries sometimes involving surgery on this team in the last few years. But I have officially been talked out of my two-year hiatus from the sport. And I'm stronger and more aware of my body than ever before.

It's time to make a change.

I'm making a comeback.

risk

I was originally going to write about my new strategy of rewarding myself for working out.

After getting back from my run, I thought about writing about my feet and my knee. My IT bands were acting up, which hasn't been an issue for almost six months.

Then I thought about writing about chocolate. I wasn't able to pass up the mm cookies but could easily pass up the cake today at work.

But the thing is, none of these really matter. Because I came to a realization tonight. A realization that streches across many aspects of my life.

I. am. afraid.

of.

risk.

Yes, risk. I'm scared to leave the job I'm unhappy am, because I'm afraid of my next move. Of taking a risk.

I'm scared about moving to a different state. I'm scared about not liking a new company or new coworkers. I'm scared I'll regret not going to grad school, or going to grad school for the wrong thing. I'm scared about giving up the career I've dreamed of since I was 13. But I'm scared that not pursuing a new career will leave me in the dust.

I'm scared about leaving D, even though I'm questioning what we're doing. I'm scared of wishing we stayed together.

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

But I'm also scared of not moving forward.

POWER yoga!

Well, I'm still at or about 132 lbs. It's hard to not get disappointed, but at the same time I had chocolate in the afternoon and lots of granola after dinner. When the math is said and done, it's still too high.

It started thundering right when I got off of work yesterday, and so my window to run (between 6 and 7, when the sun sets) was squashed. Instead I did 30 minutes of "power yoga," where you do sun salutations between every other set.

It got my heat rate up slightly and I was breathing pretty heavy. But the stretching -- especially the downward dog -- was amazing. Today my legs feel loose and relieved. They feel like they're ready for a good run tonight.

It was hard to get started with yoga, but I made a 30 minute playlist and got into it at the end. It was very calming and relaxing, and makes me wonder if I should add it to my routine on my "rest" days. Or maybe after a run or something.

So, while the scale didn't move there is a small victory here. Instead of sitting on the couch (although I did that later) when the rain ruined my run, I did 30 minutes of yoga. I was motivated.

And that's something,

stress relief

Yesterday was a good eating/workout out day. I ate sensibly, despite having an emotional rollercoaster ride at work that involved tears. Many tears.

Spinning came as a welcome relief. It was one of those days that I just needed to sweat all the stress out of me, and it worked. Besides maintaining a healthy weight and being strong, the stress-release of my running and biking routine is a huge reason why I get through the excuses and do it.

Eating went well too, I think I had a net total of 1500-1600 after I subtract my hour workout of cardio and weights.

I'm getting the hang of my arm workout routine, and brought my book. It actually really helped (although I felt subconcious toting a journal around) because I could see what weight I was at before and how many reps. I also marked where I thought I could move up next time. I always forget these things, so it's really helpful. I hope it keeps me on track.

Well, today is a fun day. I haven't decided if I'll run at the gym (and do the 1.5 mile time test) or if I'll go outside on the trail. I'm leaning toward outside, since in a week I'll be running a 1 mile race and can use that time as a gauge.

If I run on the trail, it will be between 22-24 minutes, and I'll do yoga OR a lower body workout. Definately a more defined core workout than I do at the gym.

So yes! I'm feeling good so far today. Despite all the tears at work yesterday, I'm hoping the situation improves so at least work is tolerable.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.

mantra

Repeat after me:

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight: Spinning, core, arm/back strength.

no running

No running today.

And I fell off my healthy diet by eating grilled cheese, tomato soup (from a can), coleslaw and ice cream for dinner.

BUT.

I laughed. And talked. And had a really good time with coworkers.

And we didn't talk about relationships once.

And I laughed even more.

it.was.awesome.

a step forward

Well, I still don't like my job. But I took a step forward yesterday and applied for a magazine job. So cross your fingers for me!

I'm still a tad sore from yesterday's "long" run and yoga, and the nearly-twisted ankle is still sore but luckily walkable.

I'm still considering doing my "fitness test" today. My bag's all packed to go to the gym tonight. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. A blah mood. Blah blah blah.

run + yoga

Today's run started off weakly but ended strongly.

I went to the quarry and tried to keep my heartratein the 170s, which was hard. It kept creaping up to the 180s and above! I walked a few times, which helped. This was suppose to be an "easy long run." My first "long run" since getting back out there.

Well, I definately walked after I slipped on one of the boulders along the bike trail and skinned by hip! Thank goodness I didn't sprain my ankle -- but it does make me wonder if I should suck it up and order some trail running shoes.

Anyway, I walked for a few minutes but did 35 overall -- so, at or about 3 miles. I feel really good about that. It's the first time I've gone that far, and I did end really strong. My feet felt fine at the end. I was tempted to push it farther, but no. I know better. I should hang out at 35 minutes for at least a week or two or three before I push it to 45 minutes.

When I got home, I did the "power yoga" routine in the book I bought. I didn't follow the routine exactly, so it took me about 15 minutes intead of 20 to 30 minutes. But for a first attempt, I liked it. I was really, really sweaty too!

The best part was I put on my own music instead of the sappy new-age stuff they play at the gym. I moved through the moves faster, too. Between 8 and 16 counts per step. It'll get longer with practice, though. I have no worries of that.

But overall, I can see myself doing a yoga routine 1-2 times a week after a run. I think it might be a good way to build some overall strength at home.

lost

Well, between yesterday and today I read a whole book. It was nice, but now I'm still in relaxing mode.

I also have a slight headache and my tummy hurts.

And yes, I'm suppose to run this afternoon. It's beautiful -- seriously, a rare northern fall day -- so I know I'll get my feet in gear soon and go. I'm thinking about taking it slow and going for a 30 minuter. We'll see.

Mostly, I'm slightly sad I don't have any plans today besides running and cleaning, which of course I do really need to do. D and I had talked about going for a walk with the pups, but it's nearly one and he's not answering his phone. So it sounds like that's not happening, which I'm trying not to get to down on. I'm trying.

I can also feel the tension building up inside me. It's almost Monday and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to making myself happier in my career. One more week of pushing it out, really, the daily grind.

I feel so lost right now.

by the numbers

This evening I totally thought I blew my calories today, but I didn't really blow it. Not even close to blowing it.

Which could mean a few things. Especially since, at nearly 10 p.m. tonight, I'm still quite full.

1. I'm making healthier, less-caloric choices.
2. I'm eating smaller portions.
3. I'm workout out like a maniac.
4. I should never have won that math award in college.

I added them up on my practice sheet, and after subtracting out some workout calories I'm just slightly above my goal of between 1600-1700 calories.

B: Yogurt, banana. (300)
L: Two eggs, ww bagel with LF cream cheese, 1/4 cup red potatoes, coffee with soy milk. (600)
S: 1/2 ww bagel with hummus, diet coke; nachoes, WW fudge bar; 1/2 bagel with cream cheese. (800)
D: Baked tofu, broccoli, 1/2 acorn squash, 2 WW fudge bars. (600)

Workout: Spinning (35 minutes), core and arm weights. (500)

2200 - 500 = 1800.

Amazing.

And I'm full.

spinning

Well, I got up and did it this morning - I went to spinning and, despite having trouble giving it my all, finished and went on to do some (wimpy) core work but some hard-core arm strengthening too.

I left about 8:40 and was home by about 10:20 -- An hour and a half. I feel good about that!

And I can tell, even though I haven't been weighing myself the last few days. My tight capris are a little less tight this morning. And I'm feeling better overall and craving healthy food.

So, it was probably a 4 out of 5 workout on the scale of toughness. However, when I did it last week it was 5 out of 5 -- and I slept for four hours afterward!

today

Well, no stressed out, work-enduced tears today, thank goodness!

Although there were a few work moments (like when I was asked by a job candidate what the MORALE was like and if I planned to STAY here!) that I had to bite my tounge. I need to sort some inner stuff out before I start spreading rumors to shoot my own foot.

And really, today wasn't so horrible. Not good, but not horrible. 'Nough said. On to better topics: RUNNING!

Today -- Fartlek at the Beaver Island Trail. Total was 24 minutes, I ran for more than 2 miles, did 30 second intervals, it was all good. Except at the end, when my right. foot. kept. hurrrting.

Why???

I did have fun today filling out a practice log for my new log book. Yes, I'm like that. I made a copy this morning and walked around with it (in my defense, the log starts on a Monday and today's Friday!) and I like it. I think I ate about 1750 calories, so I'm actually under my goal by about 50 calories ... (hmmm.... a dangerous realization.... )

goals

Well, I'm back up between 131 and 132. Pizza Wednesday and crap yesterday, I suppose. Plus I didn't do anything workout-related yesterday. It was raining. And I was sad. So there.

BUT! I did do something (actually two things) that are good: As D and I were sitting in the Cub Foods parking lot debating whether to go get icecream, we instead decided to forgo the treat and go to Barnes and Noble, where I bought two strength training books.

One is Shape's ultimate body workout, or something, and it has tons of full-body and target workouts to do, both at home and at the gym.

The other is a workout training log with space for cardio, nutrition, strength and reps, yoga, and other stuff.

My favorate part of both? The goals section.

The book has a "strength test" that I'm doing to do this weekend -- basically, how fast can you run a mile, how many kneed pushups can you do, sit up, and squats. Then, every three months or so, you can retest yourself.

The log has a similar goal section -- long-term, monthly, weekly goals. And I think I really need to set and visualize some goals.

So yes, I'm excited!

so far

So far, so good...

B: 1 cup LF yogurt, banana, coffee with soy milk. (400)
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, chic pea pattie, brocolli and salsa (450)
S: granola, chocolate (300)
Total so far (1150)


Tonight -- salad, pasta and running.

end of the week

I'm hovering just between 130 and 131, which means progress is being made (and Monday's carb fest wasn't a complete derailment).

I want to be 130 by the end of the week, but I also know that setting such time pegs can be as derailing as a carb fest. I don't want to be upset when I don't make it.

But, I also want to make it. If I stick to plan (about 1600 net calories a day) I should get there.

Today is a run day, although I may throw some core work in there as well. I'll be heading over to the BI Trail, lets hope the rain lets up! (And yes, this means getting my brand new shoes muddy ... I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad)

20 extra minutes

I timed my strength workout today.

6 minutes: core.
13 minutes: arms and back.

So for about 20 extra minutes, I got a strength workout in. I can do that, definately, on top of spinning twice a week.

That means I worked out for an hour today!

Eating was also on plan:

Breakfast: LF yogurt, banana and coffee. (400)
Lunch: Soup and half cheese sandwich and chocolate. (700)
Snack: Apple and calorie granola bar. (200)
After workout snack: tofu smoothy. (150)
Dinner: 1 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup quinoa, a chic pea pattie and 1 cup broccoli. (600)

Total: 2100
Calories burned: 400 spinning and 50 weight training.
Which means: I'm ending the day at 1,650, right about where I want to be.

one step at a time.

I had bad a eating day yesterday, mostly set off by a frustrating day at work. Way too much carbs and cheese, basically. Way too much. And no running.

I can do this, get back on plan, get down below 130 again. (I was at 131 this morning, so I'm still down a pound.) And I can get a new job and really decide to tie into grad school.

But it'll take one step at a time:

My goal is really one pound a week, which would put me at goal around mid-December. Boy, it would be awesome starting a new year at goal -- and have a new job to boot!

Today to get a new job: I finished two applications yesterday, so mailing them I will today. Also, I'm going to burn some more DVDs.

Today to get to grad school: Print off check list, study GRE for 30 minutes.

Today to loose weight: Eat healthy, lots of veggies (b: yogurt, banana and strawberries; l: potatoes, chic pea and steams broccoli, salad; s: tbd; d: tofu smoothy). Spin at 5:30 p.m. (and if I don't make it, the eliptical); core and arm weights.

tired

I am tired.

Not sore, just tired. I woke up from a two hour nap and I'm still exausted!

Granted, D and I did go for a two mile walk with the puppies. It was so much fun! :-) We have plans to do it again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, I have plans to do a two mile easy run, some core work and then lots and lots of chores.

Oh, and I need to finish two job aps. Might as well try and put the word out there!

a great way to start the day

I went to spinning today!

Then I stuck with my goal of 5 minutes core work AND strength work on my arms and back. It took maybe an extra 20 minutes to do these two things, which puts working out at about an hour today.

I've been reading a lot about how strength training will (hopefully!) boost my metabolism and help me loose these 11 pounds (yep, I was back down at 131 this morning). I'm also hoping it will keep me injury-free, as this summer was really a wake-up call in that department.

My whole body is tired, but not sore, which I think is a good sign. :-)

blah

Well, the cookies and last night's crap caught up with me: slightly below 132 this morning.

I had another breakdown last night about my job, and it just so happened D called then and I cried to him for about an hour.

As hard as it is to admit it, it's time to expand my horizons.

It's even harder to admit I'm not happy there. It's like I'm failing in the emotions department, even though I know it's not true. the work dynamic and structure has changed. I've grown and apparently, it's making at least one supervisor resentful (and, while I won't go into details, she has bottled that up for a year and it's bursting now. Very mature way to handle personnel things on a supervisors part).

Blah.

four notes

Note one --
No spin today, the class was canceled. I did do 30 minutes on the eliptical and 5 minutes core work.

Note two --
I ate healthy all the way to dinner. When I got home at 7 p.m., it surprised me how hungry I was. I ate my way through a pita and hummus and cheese, a wrap with avocado, and a quesidalla and soy milk.

Note three --
An article at the gym caught my eye, it was about grazing. You know, small breakfast, snack, smallish lunch, snack, dinner, snack. When I first lost all this weight, that's what I was doing. I actually find that's what I'm doing now -- and it's something I may go back to.

Note four --
I talked to my editor again, but I'm still not happy. I just don't feel like I fit into the office anymore.
I want to stick around and see what happens, but I'm just not sure I can.

good vs. bad news

I did my two miles yesterday, with some speed work, even after I ate two cookies in the afternoon.

What can I say? I was weak.

But in good news, the scale is still showing just a smidge over 130, so there's still progress.

On the not-so-good news, I may have overextended my right foot. During the end-of-run walk I started limping slightly. So I iced it last night, iced it again this morning and will take a few days off from running. My goal is three days a week anyway, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to wait until Sunday.

Oh, and I WILL go get new running shoes before my next run. That just may be part of the problem.

Tonight: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Friday: Eliptical?
Saturday: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Sunday: A slow, easy run. 25-30 minutes, depending on how my foot feels.

Oh, and my weight is hovering just above 130 -- yay! I can't tell if I'm maintaining at 131 or if I lost a half a pound.

But either way, it's a good feeling! :-)

the life

Well, I didn't run or spin yesterday. Got out of work at 7, ate dinner, talked on the phone with some long-distance friends and went to bed. Yep, that's it.

It wasn't that I was too tired to run -- I just didn't want to. I would have rather took spinning class, but I missed it by a mile. Work stinks like that some times, there's no set schedule. There's no ability to plan my evenings in a routine way.

- Today will be a long work day. I plan on running tonight at the trail, but we'll see.

- Tomorrow promises to be a little better. I should make it to spinning.

- Friday is a toss up, but running or eliptical is planned.

- Saturday morning's spinning should be doable.

- Sunday is either a rest day or a run day, depending on today and Friday.

The plan is to run no more than three days a week, mostly because I want to ease into running and let my feet fully heal before I pound the pavement. One day will be a speed workout (fartlek) and another will be a long run (one I work up to that).

The other plan is to hit spinning twice a week, either Tuesdays or Thursdays and Saturdays. The weekend always seems doable, although twice mid-week is often a stretch.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get by. Trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to be and start living the life I want.

to run or to spin?

I'm torn today between going to a timed 2 miler at 5:30, spinning at 5:30, or blowing them both and running on a trail a bit later. The spinning is a longer, harder workout. But it would be nice to know my time at 2 miles, and it would be nice to run peacefully on a trail.

With my work schedule and the hecticness that is my job, I don't know if I can get out at 5 p.m. There's no guarantee, although often I can make it stick. I'm also nervous because I want to limit myself to running 3 times a week, and I'm still iffy about going two days in a row, which means of course that if I run today I shouldn't run again until Friday. Bah.

I ran yesterday on the Mississippi trail, the dirt one between the paved one and the river. I loved it! My iPod was dead, but no matter. The trail, the trees, the chipmunks, the river, the beauty of it all -- mixed with the rythem of my breathe -- was all I needed.

In other news, I think I know what I want to do career-wise. There's a related health graduate program that I can take that could set me up to do some public health communications work, something that is dear to my heart. I bounced it off a friend last night and he thought it sounded like a good fit. I'll see what my mom thinks tonight.

one pound down, 11 to go!

Some bits of news to report:

I lost one pound (!!!) A few days of somewhat healthy eating and exercising hard (run, spin, run, spin, ah!) really paid off. My goal is to be 125 (via the doctors scale) which is 120 at my scale. So, 11 pounds to go! (Secretly I would love to be 120 at the doctor's scale but I just don't know if that's doable. So. 125 it is!)

I'm seriously thinking about a health/science writing career. There are a few graduate programs out there and it seems to fit better than anything else I've stumbled upon, considering I've always been drawn to health stories (well, preventative health stories) and have always been curious with the theory of the world. More on that later.

D and I, are, well, dating? I'm not really sure to be honest because we haven't talked about it. I don't think things have fully changed -- I don't think he's ready to commit, I feel like he's still working on himself. But I do know am in the process of changing and taking more control of my life -- I want to go out and do my own thing, find a career that fits, exercise, eat healthy, etc. etc.

Saturday

The very good: I went to spinning and didn't die and did 7 minutes of abs.

The good: I bought another workout tank top that will make me look cute (and feel so athletic!)

The pretty good: I hung out with D at the parks with his pups.

The somewhat pretty good: I went out and had drinks and lots of fun with a bunch of friends.

The somewhat good: I ate healthy, healthy food all day -- just a little too much of it.

The somewhat less good: I went out for drinks and had 2.5 beers (yes, I'm a lightweight).



The somewhat confusing: D showed up at the bar to say hi, which I didn't expect at all. He's coming over for lunch today...

la vie

Well, meeting D last night was fine. We decided to be friends (but he said he would not date others) and I kind of set the ground rules.

We're meeting in the middle, period. (None of this lazy-ass shit that happened a few weeks before we broke up). We're planning when, where and what time before. Hugging is okay, I'm not ready for kissing (He tried that last night, although I think part of it was just because he always did that at goodbye). We're not going to talk every day, and hanging out will be limitted each week.

It's what I'm comfortable with right now. Besides, we both have things to work on.

I want to focus on my career, find my next move and really focus on getting fit again.

He quit drinking and chewing, wants to get healthy and focus on school.

What happens down the road, happens. But I feel more free to pursue my life and happy because of that. So I think we made the right decision. Weird, huh? C'est la vie.

a plan

My legs are sore, I was sweating buckets, but I did it. I survived the sping class. Plus 5 minutes of core.

Tomorrow: Run (20 minutes) plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run (20-25? minutes) plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday: Run 2 miles plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday run plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing.
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Long(er) run plus strength.

And the cycle continues..

giving away

Arizona was amazing ... I really didn't want to leave to come back to my life. I wanted to stay, hang out with my ever-loving mom and basically hike and hang out by the pool each day.

But, sigh, I'm back to reality.

Which means two things:

1. D wants to meet and I think try our relationship again. I am willing to date -- casually -- but not the whole seroius, dramatic thing that we had. I keep thinking I gave and gave and gave and at the end, I was giving away things I needed. Things that were important to me.

Which leads me to:

2. I'm back on my healthy eating plan and workout circuit. Today is core and spinning, tomorrow is weights and a 20 minute one at the quarry. Even though I pigged out in AZ and during the last week or two, I've been working out like a maniac. And it feels good and I feel strong -- something that I felt I got away from at the end with D.

And to:

3. Finding my own personal career path. I feel like I am a story teller -- it's which form and where that gets me. I would love to publish some childrens books. I would like to do more digging with newspapers. I would love to explore working on a novel. All of these things feels more me than anything else I can imagine (except, maybe, teaching writing/journalism at a college level.) And this is something I almost gave away with D.

So there you go. I'm keeping these things. And it means time and probably moving away at sometime (hopefully) in the (near) future.

one step at a time.

I got to thinking today about how much more relaxed and less anxious I am since D and I broke up.

Granted, my life still feels out of wack and without control (it may be my crazy eating; healthy one meal, horrible junk for snack in bretween), but it's a lot less than before.

Which reinforces that we made the right decision.

I am not responsible for his happiness, his financial woes, his lost attitude, his broken family, his drinking issues. I no longer need to take my time and energy to support his box of troubles.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Today I drive home and tomorrow I'm off to Arizona to visit my sister! Lots of hiking, swiming, exercising, shopping and generally relaxing is planned. I'm also bringing down a magazine sheet of strength moves, which I'm going to start doing 2-3 times a week. I have a plan that I'll explain in another post.

I'm also planning that this will be the first day of my "eat well and healthfully" life. I've allowed the pity eating to go on too long and now I woke up with a stomache ache.

And finally, I'll leave with this quote:

"You are one step closer to meeting the one you were meant to be with."

alone ...

I had one of those weird days yesterday where I was craving friendship and laughter but couldn't actually bring myself to participate.

D texted me -- again -- after I told him not to the previous night. I know he wants to stay friends but I just need some time and some space to be alone with the world.

And that's where I am right now. I just want to be alone, doing my own thing, making plans for the future. I think word of our breakup has spread around the office, since my supervisor said to me: "We hope you stay with us in the future, instead of going somewhere else."

To be honest, I don't know what I want yet. Except that I want to live somewhere beautiful and outdoorsy, that's big enough not to get boring, and I want to move into a place a get a dog. Which, of course, requires a little bit more money than I'm earning now.

Anyway, today's a rest day but I think I'm going to do some strength training. I need to add that in.

I've had a very successful exercise week, if not eating week: Sunday I ran a mile; Monday was kickboxing; Tuesday was spinning; yesterday was running 1.5 miles. (My foot hurt at the end so I didn't push it to 20 minutes like I wanted to).

getting back

I feel a lot better today. I feel like I finally have a grasp on the last few weeks that's full of perspective instead of emotion. That makes a difference.

In the last two weeks I've done well at getting my butt to the gym and running (although I'm only at a mile right now).

However, my weight is at 132 -- my high point usually after Christmas!

I've been eating a lot of salty foods -- sushi, frozen one-serving pizza, canned soup, cheese. Of course, that's better than the cookies and ice cream the week before, but still. (On a good note, I did pass up the donuts yesterday at the meeting).

Time to get back to my regular eating patterns, which are full of veggies and fruits and little salt or processed foods.

a good friend

It is a good friend who can remind you just how unhappy you were before the breakup.

How you were frustrated and felt taken for granted or under appreciated or not supported before all this shit hit the fan. How you kept sayings, things will get better when x, y or z happens. But those things came and went and there was just more frustration.

How you wanted to change jobs and leave this place so bad before the break up that you were willing to apply to anything that looked decent, even if it meant leaving a career you've worked your whole life for and wanted since you were 13, and how your urgency has changed since the break up to not being urgent at all.

And how it might not be the job or the career or the place that you wanted to leave in the first place.

A very, very good friend indeed.

Spinning made me feel better. I sweated more than I have sweated in a long time.

I'm still horribly sad though.

I don't think I've ever been this sad before.

This is going to take time.

I am so amazingly undeniably unwaveringly sad.

sigh ...

Yesterday was the first day of what will be a series of days, weeks then months and years (sigh) of me not speaking to Derek.

Okay, that may seem dramatic. The hope is to stay friends, posisbly even reconnect when the timing is better and all. But if I'm going to move forward I need to commit myself to what's best for me and right now, that's moving forward without him.

Sigh.

It was hard. No phone call at lunchtime. No afternoon text message. No goodnight before bed. I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep. That goodnight has always brought me comfort, and now it's gone.

I fell asleep to the thought of asking him to meet up in a few weeks to walk the dogs at the quarry. I thought that would be a nice, neutral environment to just hang out as friends and to see the dogs. I haven't quite decided if it's a good idea yet or not, though.

Sigh.

On more positive notes:

* I did kickboxing last night and didn't die as much as last week. C was there, which was fun. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I met her.

* I wore my cute gym outfit to the gym and this guy held the door -- even though I was quite a bit away -- for me. Because I was cute! Yay!

i believe

Well, it's official official. D and I are parting ways.

We had a long talk -- again -- last night, with many tears, and while there was a brief moment of hope when we talked about getting back together I knew, deep down, that it was not to last. I knew that if we were to get together, we would be re-evaluating it in three to six months. Which is so hard to admit.

I feel like we love eachother very much and that we could make a great couple. But we need different things right now. The timing of our lives are so far out of wack that there's no way to meet in the middle.

He needs to regain control of his life - deal with the foreclosure, drinking, military, family bullshit and all the other baggage -- and as much as I want to I cannot be there to hold his hand. Because I need someone who will be there for me as I decide what I want to do in life. I need someone who can meet in the middle and make a commitment and make a decision to be with me.

But he is so wrapped up in regaining control in his life that he cannot spare the support that I need.

And so, we're letting eachother go.

I believe that we both hope that eventually, we'll come back together once the timing and life is better for it. I think we both believe that our story together is not quite done.

But I also cannot base my life on a belief that may or may not be true.

And so, I need to let him -- and all the dreams I had for us together -- go.

I need to let him go. For me.

ahhhh the quarry

I ran a mile at the quarry this afternoon.

Oh, how I have missed the quarry!

I just love it there. I love how naturey it is.

And really, the quarry has helped me decide that I really want to live in an outdoorsy area. I would go every day before work if it opened just a little bit earlier (now it only opens at 8).

There's something about running on the dirt bike trails, being surrounded by woods and prairie, not seeing cars and trucks and many other people. Just me.

My right foot is still a little sore, so out will come the ice. I plan on sticking to a mile (well, 12-15 minutes) for the rest of the week and possibly uping it in Arizona or when I get back. My plan now is to add it to my exercise routine instead of replacing a class.

So running in the morning and then classes in the evening -- should be fun, keep me busy and help me get back into shape.

life

Well my work friend A came over yesterday and we made pizza and drank beer (I know! I had two and a half ... but it was worth it) and watched sex in the city and had a good time. It made me happy and wishing I have fostered more friendships in the almost three years I've been here. I'll remember that for the next move.

Anyway, I didn't run or really exercise at all yesterday but I did clean my apartment, which feels nice and airy right now. Laundry and some more cleaning/organizing are on my list for today as well before D comes over and I say my final goodbye to him.

I'm going to ask him to stop calling and texting me, at least until I can move past him. I don't want to end up being his "cusion" until he decides to date some other girl. That would be heart break all over again.

In this breakup I'm realizing I need to concentrate on what I need and I want. This has been, in a sense, a military relationship in the fact that I have been the supporter and he has needed the support. Now, I need to support myself. What do I need or what? What goals do I want to accomplish?

One is being healthy, which I have started doing more of (although the pizza and ice cream and beer on weekends are thrownig me off my game. I'll need to get on that) since we broke up.

One is fostering healthy friendships, something that I have had two blows on but am working one. I've realized that most my high school friends are the unhealthy type -- the obsess over weight and boys type -- which I have slowly cut out of my life. The other is that I have been so supportive of D that I haven't fostered my own girl friendships with those that like talking about things other that guys! I did meet C though, so I feel good about that.

One is being the type of girl that doesn't obsess over things, from work worries to guys to my thighs. I get border-line sometimes.

One is being outdoorsy, which I need to get over doing by myself. I think that's why I love running vs. walking, because it's normal to go running alone vs. walking alone.

One is being organized, semi-planned out, which D hated and was the complete oposite of.

One is figuring out what I want to do career-wise and where I want to live (somewhere outdoorsy!)

And the main one -- is realizing and accepting all of these positive changes will take time. It may take a few months and it may take a few years.

And that's okay.

actually four things ...

Well, I did three things that I felt good about today.

1. I ran 1.1 miles in 12 minutes which, according to the fancy online calculator, is an 11 min. mile -- a while minute faster than what I ran yesterday! My feet were a little sore but overall felt good. Another week of one milers and I may just be able to up it a half mile to 1.5!

2. I went to dinner with my new friend C. She's so nice. She also broke up with a guy recently (although they only went out for two months vs. D and my two years) and so she understands. It felt soooo good to talk to somebody that was a) not obsessed with a guy/getting guys and b) totally cool and fun and happy and c) laughed with me! I was especially glad to be out because ...

3. D called to confirm what we had already talked about today, and I decided to not call him back. This will be a first. But it's time and he even said it himself in the message ... "if I don't talk to you today I'll call you Sunday before you come over ..." (he wrote me a letter and will give me his stuff back then). This may lead to ...

4. Not speaking/texting D for a whole day tomorrow, which will be a first.

But this is my life. And I need to start falling out of love with him because I deserve someone who wants to be with me, marry me, have kids with me and love me for me. Choose me for me. Laugh with me. Have me as a priority. Love me for me.

I deserve that.

one mile at a time

Even though the urge to cry comes at unexpected times. Even though I am now questioning everything I once had planned out -- my career, my home, my future family -- even though I feel like pieces I have put together so carefully over the last two to ten years are starting to crumble.

Even though.

I made an important step forward yesterday. Two, actually.

1. I ran a mile. I took it slow, at a 12 min. mile pace, but I did it.

It's been three months, really, since I have ran. Stupid plantar fasciattis. But my inserts seem to be doing the job, and alhtough my feet are a little sore, I believe ice will help.

And it gave me that feeling that I saught during D's deployment -- which surprisingly is bringing up the same feelings as the breakup now -- an "I can do this, I am strong" feeling.

Of all the exercises I know, only running gives me that feeling of empowerment.

2. I resisted the urge to tell D that I ran a mile.

He's really the only one that understands how groundbreaking running a mile is. I really wanted to tell him, and I'm sure he would have been kind and said "good job" or "that's great." But then, I realized that that was what I was seeking -- approval.

Why am I seeking approval?

I realized that I'm doing it everywhere. I'm looking for approval to acknowledge my accomplishments.

But why?

Why is somebody else's approval so important?

The only one who needs to approve is me!

the end, or the beginning

Well, it's now the second day and I guess it's official.

D and I -- after almost two years, one deployment, multiple financial woes on his part and some crazy relatives -- have broken up.

It's not exactly where I thought we would be. But after two days of bawling my eyes out and eating junk (Although, I did go to spin class yesterday) it's time for me to embrace all that is healthy. Or this is going to be way to hard.

To make a long story short, he didn't forsee marrying me. Even though we really care for each other, we're too different and we've been struggling with it for awhile. When push came to shove, he didn't want me making life decisions (about my career mostly that may involved moving an hour away) based on him.

He doesn't want a long distance relationship, even if it's an hour. He doesn't want to be in a relationship at all, because he moved into a house full of single guys that just drink and play video games all the time.

I am feeling so many emotions. Mad. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Lonely. Frumpy. Like a failure. Ugh.

As much as it hurts to admit it, I can understand it (although just barely. This is going to take time).

Better now than in two years from now. Better now than to break off an engagement, call off a wedding, or get divorced.

Better now so I can make a career move and find someone who really does want to be with me.

Better now so I can get back to my healthy ways and take care of me.

my life

I have been going through a funk lately. The non-running plus parents moving plus career worries plus job stress just doesn't suit me very well. And, lets face it, I'm one of those people whose emotional environment greatly affects them. If people I hang around are unhappy (i.e. most of my coworkers) then I, too become unhappy.

But today I work and decided that I am not going to wallow any more. I'm going to actively lead my life in a way I want to.

That means:

On the health front:
- Regularly exercising in the morning before work. I started Monday and have already squeezed in three workouts so far this week, a much better track record than if I post pone it for after work. I feel good about taht.
- A running goal. I already have a 5K training plan and goal picked out for September, with a back-up goal in October. I see the foot doctor in less than a week and hopefully he gives me the go-ahead.
- Learning about biking. I'm saving money for a road bike, getting my hybrid fixed and subscribing to bicycling. I have a feeling this hobby will help my physically and mentally.
- Eat healhier. Already I've lost one pound this week, so I'm back to 130. I feel better. I'm not craving junk. It makes a difference.

On the career front:
- Actively seek out meaningful stories.
- Actively take destressing breaks.
- Actively apply to jobs in places (ie beautiful places) I will enjoy.
- Actively pursue a childrens writing career. (I already have one call out!)
- Actively learn about librarianship, as it's a career choice I keep coming back to.

On the mental front:
- Realize the choices I make as an adult are mine to make, and mine alone.

On the relationship/friend front:
- Stop relying on D for my after-work activities. Make other friends (which seems to be harder than I realize).
- Starting going on "dates" again with D.
- Start calling family more often.

On the other-parts-of-my-life front:
- Start being creative. Draw, paint, play music. I miss that.
- Start keeping a journal. That usually helps destress me.
- Seek out nature. I love nature.

ouch.

Ouch.

Hurt.

Pain.

My first bike crash.

The bruise on my hip is the size of a grapefruit. The scrape on my shoulder is the size of my feet. There are other bruises and scrapes on my knees and elbows. My head and neck muscles hurt.

It just hurts so. damn. much.

And to be honest, I haven't done any workout since I crashed Saturday. I'm waiting for some kind of scab or SOMETHING before I try and struggle into a sports bra ... but the lack of movement is driving. me. CRAZY!

hmmm a 5k?

Well, I have my eye on a 5k that's exactly a month away. It's a high school fundraiser at my all-time-favorite-place-to-run: the quary.

Of course, I don't get my inserts for another 3 weeks, and that gives me only a week to prepare. That's not very smart... Although the doctor said I would be able to build up to running again ... slowly ....

Unless...

I really commit to loads of cross training. Meaning: biking, water running, strength and core, and lots of stretching. It also means eating well, shedding these last few pounds, and really making a go of it.

I wont actually decide, of course, until I get my inserts.

And really, just running again will be enough for me.

But still. I miss it so damn much! And having a goal!

And, in my heart, I know that I might be setting myself up for diappointment. I really should look for a mid-September 5k. :-(

my goal

Vacation was awesome. I loved it. But now, the crappy eating and low exercise continues ...

Which is why it's time to have a plan.

Here's my plan. It keeps me to a 1,700-2,000 calorie diet, and I should never truely get hungry because I'm snacking thrice! Of course, the smaller meals will be tricky. But that's okay.

Breakfast: 400; Snack: 100-200; Lunch: 500; Snack: 100-200; Dinner 500; Treat: 100-200.

And my exercise goal: 30 minutes of cardio four times a week, 20 minutes of strength training twice a week.

I also have my eye on a late August 5K. I'm really hoping to be running pain free by then!

vaca

Tonight I'm heading to Ely to hang out at my grandpa's cabin with D and my family.

I love the cabin. I love how peaceful it is, how you can be active and relaxed and explore the lake and just have fun.

I'm a little nervous about D and my dad butting heads, though. In four days, it's easy to get on eachotherse nerves.

Well, here's my goals -- have fun, be active, relax, re-energize, and eat healthy and normally

ouch.

Ouch!

I took a major spill on the bike today. But I learned an important lesson.

I can't bike and talk on the cell at the same time.

And, later, another important lesson.

Never trust a vehicle to see you.

This punck ass kid in a truck nearly ran straight into me! Damn!

biking to work

Well, today's the big day ... to bike to work. And then to the gym.

I was tossing and turning all night? Why am I so nervous about this?

(Ahem, maybe because my boss didn't seem very supportive, almost to being unsupportive. Yet I've SEEN him bike to work. And I'm only asking to do so maybe once a week, on days I don't have any external meetings planned and the only thing on my plate is writing and phoning).

On another aside, I found Dear Abby's column today interesting. It's about spouses that derail weightloss efforts. Or they take the opposite approach -- the spouse looses while the other gains. I've seen both in my family.

And, although I don't think he's trying to derail me (we have gone running and biking together, and taken walks, and eat at the co-op) I have caught myself thinking that it was easier to maintain/loose/get my but to the gym/go exercise whe D was deployed.

Which isn't such a horrible thing to say as it may seem. Take, for instance, my time during the deployment -- it was completely mine. And I filled it with working out and eating right. No bbq's after work, or bar runs, or just hanging out and watching movies.

Couple that with my foot injury (which happened since he got home) and there you go. I have been exercising less. And it's not that he's unsupportive -- it's that I can't run (grr!) and because I've loss my favorite activity, I don't substitute the others (swimming, biking, etc).

Not today.

Today I bike to work (15 minutes each way) and do the eliptical for 30 minutes and then do some ab work, maybe even my strength routine.

Then I pack! For vaca! Yay!

Tomorrow I'm also getting up and going to the gym to do the eliptical for 30 minutes.

biking to work

Excited news -- I got the okay to bike to work about one day a week.

That's all I get, though. My newspaper job means I need my car to drive around and interview people. It keeps my on my toes (and burning gas) about 4 days a week. The fifth day, though, I usually spend writing or interviewing on the phone.

But it's still victory! One day!

I'm excited. And nervous. One of my bike coworking veterans gave me tons of advice. And she even things we shoot pitch a bike blog to the editor! :-)

this morning

I set my alarm and got up at 6 a.m. this morning.

I got up, walked around, looked at my pile or work out close on the floor and thought, should I go to the gym or get back into bed?

I calculated how much more time I could sleep and still get to work on time. I thought of going into work early to get my mountains of work done. I thought of all the other effective ways I could use that time.

And then I thought, no. I need to go to the gym. I need to go for me.

For the last month or so -- basically since I've stopped running because of this nagging foot injury -- I have lost that sense of myself that comes with working out. I've felt less healthy, less balanced, less well. Not to mention a little pudgier and out of breathe.

And so, at 6 a.m. this morning, I put my workout clothes on and went to the gym. 30 minutes of eliptical (and one semi-sore foot) later, I feel better about myself.

I'm actually glad I went.

And I'm thinking about doing it all again tomorrow.

thrice in a day

Well, I ran and biked yesterday. And did my new strength training routine. Just not at the same time.

I drove to the quarry and ran with a few walking moments about 20 minutes. The outside of my right foot hurt after 5 minutes. I didn't push it but there was a moment where I just felt good. My legs were stretching out, the sun was beating down and it was a cool 75 degrees still.

And then, bam. I was out of energy. It sure leaves quicker than it takes to build it.

But then I did strength training, which I'm feeling this morning. So I feel good about that.

And then I road my bike to Derek's new house, then road it with him to dinner and back, then back to my house. Overall it was 10.5 miles, or about an hour. Pretty good.

And to top it all -- I'm back to 128 pounds (it looks like 127.5 but really, whose counting?)

tomorrow's goals.

My new goal -- exercise in the morning.

This whole night thing just isn't working out. There's just too much lets-go-to-the-river-and-play-with-the-pups distractions that I jump at the chance at. And why not? This state is only this warm for another 90-or-so days.

So tomorrow I will do what I have thought about for a long time.

I will ride my bike to the quarry (15 minutes).
I will stretch.
I will run, slowly, about 20 minutes.
I will ride by bike home.

I will. Even if it means walking a bit. I will.

And I'll do it all before work. (Luckily I have a late shift tomorrow)

friday

One more day until the weekend. I tell ya, this whole national holiday thing in the fricken' middle of the week is killing me.

My goal today: Eat healthy. I didn't eat exactly healthy yesterday. It seems to be a trend.

My other goal: Bike for an hour. At the quarry. After work and before dinner.

Awesome.

a sign?

On my way to the gym today to do my 30 minutes of eliptical work, I unknowingly turned the wrong way and drove half way to the quarry and all their glorious trails before I realized where I was going and I turned around.

I think my subconcious is trying to tell me something.

my goal

30 minutes of eliptical and 30 minutes of strength. It felt good, it feels good to be done. My foot is a bit sore, though. Makes me think I should hold off on the running.

I'm glad I started doing strength though. My goal is twice a week through the end of the month, then three times a week.

My motivation now is to be in good shape -- better shape, if possible! -- for when I do get back to running.

And, surprisingly, it's a pretty motivating goal.

day after the 4th

Well, D and I had a falling out, then a conversation, then, I think, an understanding.

Deployments are so damn hard! Even when they're over, they're not over ...

On another note.

I helped him move all day yesterday (does that count as cross training?) and am going to the gym to do the eliptical shortly.

My feet are feeling much better. I'm contemplating a run this weekend. It's been almost a month since I've run on them. I have a podiatrist appointment in 2 weeks, so I wonder if I should or shouldn't. It could be fine. I could hurt myself more. I really want to, though. I crave it.

And as much as I love biking, and can tolerate cross training in the pool and on the eliptical, nothing, nothing, beats the rush or finishing the 3 mile loop at the quarry. I love those trails.

pool running.

Well, I'm officially 25. It doesn't feel that much different than 24, except that nagging little thought in the back of my mind -- "why don't you have everything figured out yet?"

Sigh.

For some reason, I really thought I would by now.

One thing to be proud of, though, is my exercise habit. While I'm still sans-running (which I'm surprisingly upset and somewhat depressed about) I have been logging some miles on my bike and discovered the awesomeness that is "mountain biking" at the quarry. I like running on the trails there better, but biking gets my heart rate up just as high. And I do love being in nature instead of in spin class. I have the weird tan to prove it.

On another note, I tried pool running yesterday. I did it for 30 minutes after my goggles broke and I refused to swim without them. A kind lady offered to lend me hers, but I'm proud and it really did give me an excuse to try pool running. It was borring, but a good and hard work out. The closest I've come so far to finding a substitute for actual running. I'm actually toying with the idea of doing it twice a week in the hope of my feet being better by August -- I can hopefully work up the muscles so when I can run, I can actually run.

Tonight I'll probably ride at the quarry again, then do some strength training. My goal is twice a week, hopefully to increase to three times a week in August. I finally got around to creating a routine at home, so no excuses.

can't run..

I miss running.

I miss the release of energy, the calmness of listening to my breath, my pace, my heart beat. Of conquering a trail. Of bounding up a hill and feeling the pride of accomplishment.

I miss how strong I feel when I run. How in shape, in control. Sexy.

But no. I hurt my feet. I have been not-officially diagnosed with plantar fasciitis by my podiatrist aunt. I have an appointment to see my official podiatrist in a month. And my regular doctor suggested not running at al between now and then.

Not at all!

Which makes me sad. I miss running. I miss how effortless it was to get out the door -- throw on some gaer and you can run anywhere. No bike to worry about, no rollerblades, no swim suit or pool. Just lace up those shoes and go.

So here is my plan:
* Ice and stretch my feet once a day.
* Wear the supportive sandals I bought.
* Strength train 3 x week.
* Cardio (bike, swim, eliptical, rollerblade) 3-4 x week for at least 30 minutes.
* Eat healthy, reasonable portions.

Hopefully by the end of this month I will feel good and be able to start running again!

a cursed buritto

Back up to 129 .... wtf?

Does a lunch buritto (no cheese, no sour cream even!) really add 2 pounds?

And is that buritto why my stomach was bloated and in pain?

a confession...

Okay, I checked the scale this morning.

129.

Not bad, 2 pounds down from the 131 I had at this month's beginning. Higher than I was hoping though. Although I knew it was coming -- Some days I feel like I've been eating everything in the house and then some.

What the hell?

So today I'm starting over. No more cookies from the break room or chocolate from the coin machines (even though it's for a good cause and a quarter buys you only a handful). No more carb-loaded meals.

Instead: more veggies, more fruit, more protein, more yogurt, more tea and more water. Much, much more water.

The problem this week is that I've been eating so much that I don't feel like exercising -- although luckily I did make it out the door quite a few times last week.

Sunday - Sunday brought 5 workouts and 10 miles of running (2,2,2,4). At the 4 mile mark the bottom of my foot hurt. But after icing and stretching that's gone now, so I plan on running again tomorrow.

I'm not counting the hour "kayaking" lesson D gave me Sunday, although I woke up so sore and tired. It was fun and I can definately see the appeal of the sport -- I just wish I was better at it so I wouldn't get so scared on a "roll!"

tummy = mad

I don't think this month-without-the-scale is working so well.

I was doing fine yesterday until dinner ... and D convinced me to go eat pizza, and I ate half the medium pizza, and full-fat ranch dressing, and that oil-soaked breakstick.

Ugh.

My tummy is mad!

But today's another day. I just ate a healthy breakfast of non-fat yogurt, a banana and some nuts. I'm thinking of running at the quarries in an hour or so, since I don't have to go in to work until this afternoon. Lunch can be ONE (not two like yesterday) pita hummus sandwich and I might do sushi or something for dinner.

I'm having trouble getting motivated to run, though ...

Day 3

Well, Day 3 is going better.

I had an omelette and toast (although fried in butter ... no low-fat pam or oil at D's house) for breakfast, subway with half a bag of chips and half a bag of apples for lunch, half a brownie for snack, some munchies before dinner and two slices of homemade pizza and grapes for dinner.

And I ran 2 miles in about 21:30. I wore the inserts, and they felt weird the whole time. Very unnatural. Not sure if I will run with them again.

day 2

Day 2 of the month-without-the-scale challenge.

While I'm not checking my weight, I'm checking my caloric intake pretty regularly. Yesterday was about a 2,000 calorie day -- pretty good, actually, considering I ate lunch and dinner out. It also helps that I did my bike-swim-bike hour routine yesterday. Today I'm tired but not sore! Yay!

I'm a little nervous about not checking the scale for a month. What if I gain weight? How will I know that I'm not on track?

But the thing is ... deep down I do know if I'm on and off track. I can tell by how full my tummy is or how much I exercise or how well my clothes fit.

This month is about trusting myself to eat healthy and exercise. It's about approaching my body in a healthy way.

a month without the scale ...

Well, I did it.

I took all my measurements this morning and my weight and wrote it down ... and put the scale away.

One month. One month without the scale, without measurements, did I mention no scale?

Weighing myself daily has become a habit. But it hasn't affected my weight loss -- my weight this morning was actually as high as my last vacation -- 131. This is bad, but at the same time good -- hopefully in a month I'll quickly loose that weight!

The other trick, of course, is actually eating well. I got the exercise thing down (I'm thinking of another bike commute to the gym tonight ...) But it's the nachos and cereal before dinner and ice cream and cookies and all those damn dilly bars that add up.

I'm going to start writing what I eat down again.

So thus begins my month of healthy eating minus the scale!

i need a change

The bike commute to the gym was awesome! In all it was 20 minutes there, 20 minutes swim, 20 minutes back. About 7 miles bike. I was tired but felt good last night -- I didn't push myself to swim my normal 30 minutes 1) because I wasn't sure how tired I would be on the bike home and 2) I had convinced myself i had put my lock on wrong. Like someone would steal it in broad daylight at the YMCA!

But I stepped on my scale this morning and I weighed 131.

I know.

Which means that, for the month of June, I really need to concentrate on EATING WELL and exercising. I think I've got the exercise routine down, but I really need to focus on eating well.

Also ... I need to make this a long term goal.

So, I'll say this ... I'm thinking of taking all my measurements on the 1st and then not weighing myself or measuring myself until July 1st, my 25th birthday... The idea being I'll concentrate harder on eating well if I can't micromanage the results day-to-day...

Tonight: Spinning + 10 mins. core + front-and-back pushups.

my feet

I've been on blogger hiatus due to my late realization that I need to take care of my feet and some personal things I'm not going to get into here.

I saw my aunt the pediatrist over the weekend and she diagnosed me. I've injured my plantar fascia ligaments and they're inflamed. Apparently I have a low arch, and the half marathon coupled with my horribly unsupportive yet cute sandels have made it worse.

So I'm on my second week of my running break.

1. Because I don't want to be in pain.
2. Because I really like running and want to be able to do it pain free.

So there are some things I need to do before I lace up my shoes again.

1. Ice
2. Flex/stretch

And things to buy/try out:

1. Inserts
2. Supportive sandles
3. Trail running shoes.

And hopefully I'll be back running by either this weekend or next weekend.

In the meantime I've been swimming more (cough some) and biking more (yay!) than I have been. I've been back to spinning class twice and this weekend I biked 11.5 then 12.5 miles (in an hour each) with my brother Joe. So much fun! I want to go 10 miles on a new trail I've read about with D this weekend.

So yes, running is on hiatus. But I'm staying busy with the cross training. (And being good -- I'm even icing my feet as I type).

I think I'm going to try an ultimate fit workout tomorrow after a light dinner -- bike the 10/15 minutes to the Y, swim for a half hourk, bike the 10/15 minutes home. I drove the route today and I think I have it where I'm safe enough and avoid the two crazy dangerous crossings near my apartment.

YAY!

So if this works, and I don't absolutely die afterward, I would love to do this once or twice a week. And eventually bike to the park and trail too. Talk about a full lower-body work out! Add core (which I've been doing) and arms (yeah, still getting around to that ....) and I will be set.

The trick, of course, as it always is, is sticking too it.

But I'm excited about my new bike-swim-bike adventure!

eateing well

I'm down to 128 this morning, which is my pre-vacation weight.

I feel pretty good and will hopefully squeeze in a run tonight at the park or the trail, followed by core and some strength exercises.

I'm actually looking forward to doing it! Ha! Like I ever thought I would type those words.

But after three days of "healthy" aka "normal for me" eating, my body feels good and is ready to move.

Eating well makes such a difference!

feeling good

I ran 7 miles (walking parts of the last 2 miles) because the bottom of my feet just hurt so f*ing bad! Mom's feet and knees are hurting too, and we're seriously reconsidering the half marathon that we signed up for June 2.

It might be too far too soon. It just shouldn't hurt this bad. It shouldn't be this painful.

I have mixed feelings -- I already paid the $32, and I want to do it. I want to feel that rush of "I did it!"

But I know if I push it ... that I could push myself right of running this summer. And I want to run, because it's stopped being about the race and just about feeling good.

Which is exactly where I want it to be. Feeling good.

And there are a slew of 5k and 10ks I could do ...

I think I'll try one more long run this next Sunday and see how it goes.

In other news, I went swimming on Saturday for a half hour. I really liked it, and I'm going to try to do it once a week this summer. I'm also contemplating doing spin class once a week and yoga once a week. I think I can do all three and run 3-4 times a week as long as I take it easy.

Which would be fun.

I like how it works different muscles and I feel really good afterward. I like how it tones different muscles. I also am thinking that this is the summer I could reach 125 or even 120 if I keep this level of activity up -- and that's where I really want to be. A size six instead of an eight.

And I need to add strength training, which will help my running and the whole toned.

I have the books ... but .. well ... haven't figured it out yet.

But overall, after reviewing the past six months of activity, I realize that I just feel good. I feel physically good at work and at home and I love love love being able to take walks and go hiking and not get too tired. I also haven't been sick so far this year, and that's another plus.

So, yes. I want to keep my level of activity, if not strength or increase it.

comfort food

I ran about 3 miles at quarry park yesterday afternoon and it was gorgeous. I felt so good! I wore slightly thicker socks (although my good thick socks are at D's house) and my feet didn't hurt as much.

Although this morning they are still a bit sore.

Did some good stretching but passed on the core and weight lifting and instead went to D's house for pizza (yes, I know ...) with the excuse that I would pick up my good, thick running socks. Yep. The socks are still there and I'm back up to 130.

Sigh.

But the thing is, I know why I'm maintaining a high weight and it has to do with my poor eating habits. I had pb twice yesterday, for breakfast and lunch, 3 store-bought bagels (230 calories each), a Dilly Bar from DQ (damn they're hard to pass up at work), a banana and pizza. Oh, and a cookie.

With D working on his house and all the changes, he's seeking out some major comfort food -- sugary cereal, pizza, cookies, etc. It's hard to pass up when I'm with him, even though I know I should. Work is going through changes and everyone is bringing in treats -- aka comfort food -- to ease the stress. Damn it's hard to turn down!

But part of it is my own fault. My options are limited because I haven't taken the time to plan them out. I haven't been cooking as much as I used to, hell I've barely been to the grocery store since vacation!

Time to get back on the band wagon.

ouch!

Well, I lost a pound this morning. The two days of eating well (which included turning down donuts AND cake at work Monday) has helped. I'm down to 129. One more pound and I'm at my maintenance weight; four more pounds and I'm back to where I was last summer.

Ahh, summer.

I did a 6 mile run Monday but hurt the bottom outside of my foot, probably because I was wearing too thin of socks -- they didn't start hurting until the last mile. I also did 7 minutes of core work which I could feel every time I laughed yesterday. My abs were sore in a good way yesterday; my foot not so much.

First my knees, which I think are better, and now my foot! More and more I think I need to start a weight lifting/training/stretching routine.

So I took the day off yesterday and joined D and his brother T at D's house. We had a nice little camp fire going and it was just so nice watching the fire, talking, watching them get drunk. As much stress and work as his house is, it's a nice spot. And it's nice that it's a house. You can grill, have a fire, hang out ... it's just nice.

My plan tonight is to buy thicker socks and go for about 2 miles, possibly 3, possibly at the quarry but I haven't decided yet.

back on the band wagon

My eating has gone from vacation-mindfull to stressed-comfort food to all out junk, with a few weak efforts thrown in there.

Time to bring back the food tally each day, until I get a handle on it.

Yesterday I started with a whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter and coffee with soy milk. Snack was a chocolate chip cookie at work. Lunch was a veggie sub and apples (my weak effort!) from Subway. Snack was a dilly bar from DQ (a work hazard for some reason) and another cookie (damn employee appreciation day). Then I had a third (!!!) snack of 100-calorie popcorn. While healthy, it's so salty. Dinner was even worse: a large helping of potatoe salad, multiple crackers and cheese, veggie baked beans, broccoli with cheese and a chic pea pattie on a bun.

Yikes.

I don't even want to know how many calories that is!

Today hasn't started off well either. I had sugary (as in multi-colored sugary) cereal this morning. Now I'm off to a bbq (why am I so nervous?). My game plan is to bring some veggie burgers and fruit and eat only that ... and then seriously get back on the band wagon. Which will mean writing everything down.

I'm still at 130 pounds, my fingers are swollen, my clothes are tight and I'm just not a happy camper.

Time to get back on the healthy band wagon for me.

running spill

I went running with D and the pups tonight and it was fun. We ran around his town.

The dogs were so excited to run! It was the first time we brought them out. We ran 10 minutes with them on the leash and then 10 mintues off the leash in this field. It very much felt like running when I was a kid -- wild and free in the grass with the puppies chasing after me.

And then I tripped over Buddy or Scout, possibly both, and went tumbling to the grown.

My very first running spill.

I must have looked really funny because D laughed a little and then ran over. I must have been dazed and confused by the whole thing because I just lay there, my legs twisted funny, the dogs bouncing on me because I was on the ground with him. My knee hurt a bit but D lifted me up and I got back into it running, slowly.

We ran for 10 more minutes for a total of 30 around town. Buddy was good except when he saw another dog. He wanted to go play and would pull me literally a dozen feet before I could get a hold of him. They're strong dogs! But I wore them out because they were too tired the last few minutes and didn't put up the same fuss as before.

So yes, the dogs ran me. But I out ran them!

These last few days running -- in quarry park and now with the pups -- makes me feel so free. I've been taking the watch and going for 30 minutes, with no concern for my pace or the distance. Just whatever feels good. Sometimes it's slower, sometimes faster.

I like not having to map it out and being able to explore different routes. It's really been helping me destress after work -- I think, in part, because I don't have to worry about the run itself. No worries about getting the exact distance in or the right pace. Just running.

I've been toying with buying a Nike+ for my iPod -- it gives you distance and pace and all that good detail -- with out any calculations or distance measurements. And I think it would be pretty cool.

But then I think, will it be as relaxing?

And then I think, maybe I should re-evaluate my running goals.

I'll never be a fast runner. I just wont.

But I can be a distance, plodding-along-at-my-own-pace runner. I have found running outside enjoyable and relaxing, it has helped my mood and helped keep my stress level down. I have fallen in love with running at quarry park and I want to explore other trails and paths around town. And I love running with D and, even with their bounciness, the pups.

Maybe pace and distance, maybe they don't matter.

Maybe I should start measuring my runs, insteady, by time.

I think it will make my training for my next half marathon -- yes, I registered today for a race June 2 -- even more enjoyable and relaxing. Intead of running 8 miles this weekend, I will run for 1:30. 10 miles next weekend? Nope, 2 hours.

I signed up to finish. To give myself a goal. To get myself out the door with my running shoes on. Not to set a new PR.

Although, lets be honest, a PR would be nice.


Time: 30 minutes.

readjusting

I weighed in this morning ... at 131. Again. I was this high a month ago, and this high right after Christmas, and before that right after my last vacation.

It's very frustrating. Yes, I know it's only 3-4 pounds from my happy maintenance weight. BUT my clothes don't fit well at this weight, I feel swollen and uncomfortable.

And I've become very attached to eating, which sounds weird, but I seek out and crave snacks and such. I make unhealthy decisions (chips instead of apples at subway) and eat for comfort (um, that ice cream snack Sunday night).

So now I'm making a concious decision to get back in the ring and eat healthy. To fight myself on my unhealthy cravings. I know from experience that I just need a few days to readjust my food clock and I'll be back down to 128.

It's just frustrating that I have to readjust after every vacation/holiday. Even an active one!

at the park

I ran at quarry park this morning and it felt weird to go before work. Weird in a wonderful, I'm still-sorta-on-vacation-and-connecting-with-nature way. I didn't bring my ipod and the time went surprisingly fast, especially since it was just me and the occasional squirrel or rabbit rustling in the leaves.

I ran one part on a mountain bike trail and you run up this huge rock and you think, how am going to run up this rock? but then you do and you look around and think, I'm on top of this huge rock in the middle of this nature park in town and it feels damn good.

I can't wait to go back to the park... it doesn't open until 8 a.m. each day and I keep thinking, damn I wish it was open earlier so I can always go before work because it's not often that I can go in late. So then I start thinking about the next time I'm going to run there and maybe I should try some of the other mountain bike trails or the nature preserve and really explore it during a long run.

And then I think, how am I going to run another half marathon road race if I keep running at the park? But then, in my defense, running up a huge rock should count for training.

Distance: Between 2.7-3 miles.
Time: 30 minutes.

ahhh vaca

Well, I'm back from my much-needed vacation with D and I think that not only are we better and stronger as a couple, but I'm much more relaxed and ready to go back to the crazy-stressful world of my work. (Especially since, it appears, my role - but luckily not my job - is in flux right now).

We ate vaca food -- some good stuff, but lots of munchies, desert, some fries, etc. What saved us, I think, was the amount of activity we did. And I loved it!

No running -- except for the first morning before we left for the long drive north -- but we hiked every day once we got up there for 1 - 3 hours. We went on a 10 mile bike ride. We played frisbee golf. Some days, my legs were sore (although not overly sore) from the activity.

It just felt so damn good.

The weather was perfect, the lodge was wonderful, the scenery beautiful. I could really relax!

I love nature! :-)

the half marathon.

Ahh, my first half marathon.

Despite all the worries pre-race -- me knees hurt, my big toes hurt, I never ran more than 11 miles training (or ever) -- I did it. I did it and I'm so amazingly proud of myself.

The race itself started off slow, I ran the first two miles at a 12 mile pace with mom. I did this on purpose -- I wanted to make sure to pace myself. And I wanted to run with her because the next 10 miles were on my own.

Running with the pack was fun, and I enjoyed it through the first half. I finally got the hang of drinking at water stations and I kept a good pace, probably close to a 10:30 or 11 minute mile. I was feeling good and there were plenty of people around me.

I cross the half-way point at 1:06 -- an awesome time. An average of a 10:55 minute mile. Woohoo!

But then I saw the bathroom and I panicked. I didn't really have to go, but then I kinda did. Was this my last chance? What if I had to go at the next mile with no loo in sight? When was the next potty?

So I weaved off and stood in line ... for eight agonizing minutes.

In the end, I'm glad I used it. But when I returned to the race the pack had thinned. Where were all the groups?

So the last half was a power of will and sore legs. I took more walking breaks than I expected. I ran the last 6 at an average of a 13:33 minute mile, way down from my cruising pace before. And the thing was, I was passing people, slowly, with walking breaks, but I was.

I walked a lot those last few miles. It was so hard. My legs were stiff and sore and cold. It was hard to stay motivated -- there were few people around, and those that were were struggling. How did I end up at the very end of the pack?

It was so different than running alone. Alone on the trails -- or with D or my mom -- I felt like I was going fast. So fast. But I read after that the average person completed the race in 2 hours -- a half-hour faster than me! It was tough to stay motivated, except that all the families and volunteers and cops were so nice. They cheered me on and made me smile!

I got a new boost of energy when the rain began falling at mile 11. I only had two more miles to go, I was so close. It was refreshing, at least at first. I could do this. But then I was cold and wet. Sure, it had sprinkled a bit at the beginning, but this was an all-out downpour. It even hailed a little.

Memories of my boss came back to me, with a smile, as he would kindly say -- when it dipped below freezing or snowed 5 inches -- "Today could be race day! This weather could be race day!" Those simple words had prepared me for this.

And so, with a few short walking breaks, I crossed the finishing line. They called out my name and I was so proud!!

I had done it! Three months of built up and three months of training and I had finished my first half marathon!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then they wanted me to bend over and unlace my clip.

hahahahaha yeah right.

Thankfully a kind volunteer untied it while I sat down. I was so stiff, so sore. I walked a bit, stretched a bit, ate some fruit they provided and watched for mom, who made it in 3:03.

She wasn't the last one -- but she thought she was last. I was so proud of her! She was smiling so big at the end, I just loved it.

A kind volunteer on a bike named Tom road with her when she got separated from the others so she knew the course. She could have made some short cuts -- others did -- but she didn't. She wanted to go a full half marathon. And she did! And she stayed positive the whole way!

She said knowing I would be waiting at the finish line helped. For me, knowing someone was there to celebrate with helped.

I'm so proud of us!

Then we got free 10 minute massages, went home, showed, iced some sore muscles and went out to lunch, walking oohh so slowly. I think I smiled the whole afternoon, all those good endorphins.

And you know what? We started talking ... about the next race.

... about how we could train better.

... about how I could run under 2:30, maybe even do an 11 minute mile pace (2:24:06) or maybe, if I pushed hard this summer or next year, close to a 10 minute mile pace (2:11:00)

... about what kind of race we should do next, a 10K? Suddenly a 5K doesn't seem like such a big deal!

I'm just so happy right now.

Who would have thought this goal -- which really started because D was on deployment and I needed something to do at night, to accomplish for me -- would become something I enjoy so much.

Who would have thought? :-)

YAY!

I DID IT!!

I ran and finished my first half marathon!

My official time is 2:36:54, which is an 11:59 minute mile pace.

Minus out my 8 minute bathroom break, and you get 2:28:54, which is an average 11:22 minute mile pace -- the speed I actually ran it at!

YAY!

knees...

I am getting increasingly worried about my knees. I have determine, through no scientific or medical professional opinion, that I injured my iliotibal bands. At least thats what the books say, when there's a dull ache in the outside of your knees.

So ice and stretching is suppose to be the cure. But I'm worried ... the race is Saturday. Six days away.

So yesterday I did nothing. Today I walked two miles and tooled, sooo slowly, around on my bike. Which needs a tune up and some adjustment, as I think it's too small. But I don't want to admit that I bought a bike that's too small for me, I have to think that the bar is just too high. Because it was so expensive - $750 i think.

That's a *bad choice don't listen to the salesman advice* rant for another day.

Anyway.

I'm going to go 2-3 miles Monday and Wednesday, and then just ice every day and stretch before the race.

I'm nervous enough as it is for the race ... and now this.

race day a week away

One week from day, I'll be at the race expo, picking up my race gear.

One week from tomorrow, I'll be going the full 13.2 miles on race day.

This came quickly!

So now I have to figure out the best ways to rest my knees ... ice? stretching? ... while "tapering" ... while carbo-loading ... while still running a few "easy" miles ...

My Mom (who is running the race with me) asked why we need to do all these special things the week before the race. "I know I can do it," she said, "so why do anything special?"

Because it's the race day, that's why!

5 miles

Guess what I did?

Run 5 miles.

Guess where it hurt?

Yeah... my knees.

Distance: 5 miles
Time: 56:40
Avg. Pace: 11:20
Course: Mississippi River trail.
Conditions: 45 degrees, slightly windy, partly cloudy.

today

I'm back down to 129! Yay! Two more pounds to go until I'm back down to 127.

This post is to remind myself of my dedication to running and the half marathon.

I have logged a lot of miles since January, when I started writing them down. But as of late I have faltered... and there's only 10 days until the race.

10!

It's Thursday. It's suppose to be 40 and partly sunny. I will go running after work today. I will. Period.

glass half empty

I took another day off from running today. My eating was better, but not there yet.

Today I needed to focus on my emotions.

This morning I was so mad. Mad at him not attending a family event with me this weekend, mat at the deployments, mad at D's house for not being done, mad at his mom for being an alcoholic and making poor decisions. I was so mad at D for leaving me again, after he was barely home, for a vacation.

And so our wonderfulness began to unwind.

I tried to express my frustrations. All he heard, and seemed to want to communicate, was that he felt we were different. That maybe we should take a break. How unfair it was that after his deployment I was bringing this up, now, while he was on vacation.

But all I was having was a weak moment. A moment when I needed someone to say, it will be okay. The deployments over, it will be back to normal sooner rather than later. That the house is so close to being done, we'll be bbqing there this summer.

I needed him to be optimistic. I have been so strong, so optimistic, our constant cheerleader. I have played that role well over the last six months.

Today, I faltered. Today, I needed him to be optimistic.

But no. Because that's not who he is. He's a pessimist, to the core. So again I had to play the optimist when he started talking about taking a break. I had to be my own cheerleader until, finally, after hours, he said something that gave a sparkle of hope.

That the house would be done this summer. That taking our own vacation in two weeks would be good for us.

Which is great. But more than anything, today's events make me questions us. I can be strong, I've proven that. But I can't be strong alone.

Grrr

So we thought D would run the half marathon with me a week from Saturday. Aparently we thought wrong.

Turns out he has drill that weekend.

His sgt. say they have "accomodated him enough" with him being gone the last six months.

Ahem.

He wasn't on vacation. He was ... ahem ... on deployment.

So it looks like it'll just be my mom and me on race day ... which is fine. I knew that was always a possibility, although I was really hoping D would be either cheering me on in the crowds or running next to me.

He said he'll be back probably next Thursday from Texas, which means he'll be here a whole day before he goes up to do drill. So really, it's two and a half weeks before he's home home.

And he wondered why it was so hard to welcome him home and then turn around and say goodbye.

Sigh.

fooooood

So Easter and all those damn chocolate bunnies and eggs and jelly beans caught up with me.

I weight in at 131 this morning -- up 3 pounds from Friday and 4 pounds from the week before. Even though I ran 8 miles on Saturday. And I can tell. My pants feel tight.

Which means I need to start regulating my eating again, because I know that it wasn't just Sunday that got me. It was Saturday too, and all last week when I ate chocolate bars (instead of just pieces of them) and tacos and two rolls instead of one. I ate more than I normally do, and the only thing I can reason why is because D was home and I was probably seeking out comfort food.

Comfort food? I know it doesn't make a lot of sense ... except that last week, with his homecoming, there was a lot of changes. Quickly. He came home and his stuff took over my apartment. He wanted to go out to eat instead of cook a healthy meal or have the quick frozen burrito that I have been eating for dinners sometimes. He took over my car and I packed pb&j instead of going for co-op soup or subway during lunch. We went for bagels for breakfast and take-out for dinner and I ate the whole thing. He brought home delicious, huge white country buns that I normally would never have bought, let only eat a whole one, but I did.

Which means, I'm just going to need to be more aware of the portions that I'm eating. There's no reason to stop all that I ate this week -- hell, I'm so excited he's home and I've been missing going out to dinner and cooking with him and such -- but I just need to eat about half of what I ate.

Monday's run
Distance: 3-ish miles (probably 3.2 miles)
Time: 35 minutes
Conditions: 40 degrees, sunny, slight wind.
Course: lap warm up/cool down around the park, up to the watertower and back.
Note: My knees kind of hurt on the outside, first on the left and then on the right. I think it may have to do with running on the concrete sidewalk. I will need to investigate.

8 miles

I slept very soundly last night, the first time I have since D came home. I wonder if it was because he was not there; he's enroute (or probably there already) to his father's place in Texas. Being reuinted after a six month deployment is by no means easy, although I'm so glad I have the challenge!

Easter was an eating fest, off-set slightly because of my 8 mile run Saturday morning. I ran on a trail near my parent's house, then two miles of hills, then another mile on the trail. I probably would have gone two more miles except I saw it was noon and my brothers were suppose to be ariving before 1 p.m.

But despite my shorter mileage, I'm proud of what I did. I could have not gone. There was plenty of excuses to be had -- it was cold (20 degrees) it was windy (making it feel like 5 degrees) I was on a mini "vaca" because of the holiday. But I knew I wanted to eat (and eat I did) and I knew it would make me feel better.

And you know what? I felt fabulous after I ran.

Distance: 8 miles
Time: 1:32:00
Avg. Pace: 11:30 min. mile.
Conditions: 20 degrees, sunny, windy. Dressed in tights and wind pants, long sleeve wick-away, sweat shirt and winter coat outer shell, hat and mittens.
Course: 5 miles out-and-back on trail at parent's house, two miles hills, one mile out-and-back on trail.

winter weather

Well, my pants are tight again. And I'm back up 2 pounds to 129. For the second day.

Sigh.

I've been eating crap, so I should expect it. Sure, the co-op food is good. But all the extra cheese, extra bread and ice cream from dairy queen ads up. Quickly, aparently, with the lack of running.

But it's been such crappy weather outside!

I woke up to snow. SNOW! Grr... All I want to do is run in beautiful spring weather and there's an inch of snow outside.

Guess I'll be running in beautiful WINTER weather today.

Home again!

He's home!

And we went running together!

I'm sooo happy.

He's at the base in-processing (or whatever the call it) and I'll see him again in two days. For a few days, then he's visiting his father for a week and a half, and then .. and then he's home-home. For good.

YAY!

We went today on the trail, even with the non-stop drizzle, and it was so much fun. We went at "my" pace, which is a pace slightly faster than I normally go. Which is good! And I honestly thing it wasn't "too" slow for him, which I was worried about. We both got a good workout.

And I have to say, it was nice running with him. It was so good to have him home, after all this time. I love him so much.

Distance: 4.8 miles
Time: 51:35 minutes
Avg. Pace: 10:45 min. miles.
Conditions: 50-ish degrees, slight drizzle.
Course: Beaver Island Trail, with taking the trail-trial route with D.