diet

I've been thinking about my diet tonight, and it's time to rethink the strategy. There's simply no reason I should be working out five days a week for 30 mintues to an hour and not loosing weight.

Except if I'm eating to compensate. Which is what I am -- I'm still doing what I did this spring when I trained for the half marathon. But the thing is, I'm not running 10 miles each weekend like I was then. That's 1,000 extra calories I got to add to my week that I simply shouldn't be adding.

Which is why these five pounds I've gained since running the race (hello!) put themselves on my tummy and thighs and are simply not budging.

Of course, I could just start working out like a maniac. But if this weekend is any indication, I might overtrain and be sidelined. I've only been back at this regular five a week schedule for 6 weeks now. I need to maintain my workout intensity before I increase it more. No more injuries. That's my goal.

I searched the apartment today for my old weight watchers books circa 2002. Whenever I went back on plan, counted my points, wrote everything down, I lost weight. Never reached goal but I've lost. The books, which used to live in my kitchen drawer, well, they've vanished. Vanished!

My solution is simple, mostly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new ones (they're expensive online!) I'm going to borrow my mom's old ones when I go home next weekend, but until then here are my goals:

1. Write everything down that I eat.
2. Eat pre-portioned meals that are well balanced with veggies, protein and mostly non-refined carbs.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
4. One small treat a day.
5. Write EVERYTHING down. Everything.

PS I went to touch football. It was fun and I started breathing heavily, until my teammates and I were attacked by a swarming army of knats. So 20 minutes of walking and occasionally splint, how many points does that burn? We went back to a friends apartment to play a game, where I successfully avoided the cupcakes. One girl ate three, but I ate NONE! One small victory for my waist line.

Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.

football

My knees and feet are still sore this morning, so I'm changing my normal weekend workout sessions.

(Oh, and by the way, I'm around 131 - half a pound!)

Friday: Eliptical plus arm/back strength.
Saturday: Long run (about 3 miles) plus power yoga.
Sunday: Touch football. Yes, football.

No, I don't really know how to play. Yes, I know there have been some serious injuries sometimes involving surgery on this team in the last few years. But I have officially been talked out of my two-year hiatus from the sport. And I'm stronger and more aware of my body than ever before.

It's time to make a change.

I'm making a comeback.

risk

I was originally going to write about my new strategy of rewarding myself for working out.

After getting back from my run, I thought about writing about my feet and my knee. My IT bands were acting up, which hasn't been an issue for almost six months.

Then I thought about writing about chocolate. I wasn't able to pass up the mm cookies but could easily pass up the cake today at work.

But the thing is, none of these really matter. Because I came to a realization tonight. A realization that streches across many aspects of my life.

I. am. afraid.

of.

risk.

Yes, risk. I'm scared to leave the job I'm unhappy am, because I'm afraid of my next move. Of taking a risk.

I'm scared about moving to a different state. I'm scared about not liking a new company or new coworkers. I'm scared I'll regret not going to grad school, or going to grad school for the wrong thing. I'm scared about giving up the career I've dreamed of since I was 13. But I'm scared that not pursuing a new career will leave me in the dust.

I'm scared about leaving D, even though I'm questioning what we're doing. I'm scared of wishing we stayed together.

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

But I'm also scared of not moving forward.

POWER yoga!

Well, I'm still at or about 132 lbs. It's hard to not get disappointed, but at the same time I had chocolate in the afternoon and lots of granola after dinner. When the math is said and done, it's still too high.

It started thundering right when I got off of work yesterday, and so my window to run (between 6 and 7, when the sun sets) was squashed. Instead I did 30 minutes of "power yoga," where you do sun salutations between every other set.

It got my heat rate up slightly and I was breathing pretty heavy. But the stretching -- especially the downward dog -- was amazing. Today my legs feel loose and relieved. They feel like they're ready for a good run tonight.

It was hard to get started with yoga, but I made a 30 minute playlist and got into it at the end. It was very calming and relaxing, and makes me wonder if I should add it to my routine on my "rest" days. Or maybe after a run or something.

So, while the scale didn't move there is a small victory here. Instead of sitting on the couch (although I did that later) when the rain ruined my run, I did 30 minutes of yoga. I was motivated.

And that's something,

stress relief

Yesterday was a good eating/workout out day. I ate sensibly, despite having an emotional rollercoaster ride at work that involved tears. Many tears.

Spinning came as a welcome relief. It was one of those days that I just needed to sweat all the stress out of me, and it worked. Besides maintaining a healthy weight and being strong, the stress-release of my running and biking routine is a huge reason why I get through the excuses and do it.

Eating went well too, I think I had a net total of 1500-1600 after I subtract my hour workout of cardio and weights.

I'm getting the hang of my arm workout routine, and brought my book. It actually really helped (although I felt subconcious toting a journal around) because I could see what weight I was at before and how many reps. I also marked where I thought I could move up next time. I always forget these things, so it's really helpful. I hope it keeps me on track.

Well, today is a fun day. I haven't decided if I'll run at the gym (and do the 1.5 mile time test) or if I'll go outside on the trail. I'm leaning toward outside, since in a week I'll be running a 1 mile race and can use that time as a gauge.

If I run on the trail, it will be between 22-24 minutes, and I'll do yoga OR a lower body workout. Definately a more defined core workout than I do at the gym.

So yes! I'm feeling good so far today. Despite all the tears at work yesterday, I'm hoping the situation improves so at least work is tolerable.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.

mantra

Repeat after me:

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight: Spinning, core, arm/back strength.

no running

No running today.

And I fell off my healthy diet by eating grilled cheese, tomato soup (from a can), coleslaw and ice cream for dinner.

BUT.

I laughed. And talked. And had a really good time with coworkers.

And we didn't talk about relationships once.

And I laughed even more.

it.was.awesome.

a step forward

Well, I still don't like my job. But I took a step forward yesterday and applied for a magazine job. So cross your fingers for me!

I'm still a tad sore from yesterday's "long" run and yoga, and the nearly-twisted ankle is still sore but luckily walkable.

I'm still considering doing my "fitness test" today. My bag's all packed to go to the gym tonight. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. A blah mood. Blah blah blah.

run + yoga

Today's run started off weakly but ended strongly.

I went to the quarry and tried to keep my heartratein the 170s, which was hard. It kept creaping up to the 180s and above! I walked a few times, which helped. This was suppose to be an "easy long run." My first "long run" since getting back out there.

Well, I definately walked after I slipped on one of the boulders along the bike trail and skinned by hip! Thank goodness I didn't sprain my ankle -- but it does make me wonder if I should suck it up and order some trail running shoes.

Anyway, I walked for a few minutes but did 35 overall -- so, at or about 3 miles. I feel really good about that. It's the first time I've gone that far, and I did end really strong. My feet felt fine at the end. I was tempted to push it farther, but no. I know better. I should hang out at 35 minutes for at least a week or two or three before I push it to 45 minutes.

When I got home, I did the "power yoga" routine in the book I bought. I didn't follow the routine exactly, so it took me about 15 minutes intead of 20 to 30 minutes. But for a first attempt, I liked it. I was really, really sweaty too!

The best part was I put on my own music instead of the sappy new-age stuff they play at the gym. I moved through the moves faster, too. Between 8 and 16 counts per step. It'll get longer with practice, though. I have no worries of that.

But overall, I can see myself doing a yoga routine 1-2 times a week after a run. I think it might be a good way to build some overall strength at home.

lost

Well, between yesterday and today I read a whole book. It was nice, but now I'm still in relaxing mode.

I also have a slight headache and my tummy hurts.

And yes, I'm suppose to run this afternoon. It's beautiful -- seriously, a rare northern fall day -- so I know I'll get my feet in gear soon and go. I'm thinking about taking it slow and going for a 30 minuter. We'll see.

Mostly, I'm slightly sad I don't have any plans today besides running and cleaning, which of course I do really need to do. D and I had talked about going for a walk with the pups, but it's nearly one and he's not answering his phone. So it sounds like that's not happening, which I'm trying not to get to down on. I'm trying.

I can also feel the tension building up inside me. It's almost Monday and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to making myself happier in my career. One more week of pushing it out, really, the daily grind.

I feel so lost right now.

by the numbers

This evening I totally thought I blew my calories today, but I didn't really blow it. Not even close to blowing it.

Which could mean a few things. Especially since, at nearly 10 p.m. tonight, I'm still quite full.

1. I'm making healthier, less-caloric choices.
2. I'm eating smaller portions.
3. I'm workout out like a maniac.
4. I should never have won that math award in college.

I added them up on my practice sheet, and after subtracting out some workout calories I'm just slightly above my goal of between 1600-1700 calories.

B: Yogurt, banana. (300)
L: Two eggs, ww bagel with LF cream cheese, 1/4 cup red potatoes, coffee with soy milk. (600)
S: 1/2 ww bagel with hummus, diet coke; nachoes, WW fudge bar; 1/2 bagel with cream cheese. (800)
D: Baked tofu, broccoli, 1/2 acorn squash, 2 WW fudge bars. (600)

Workout: Spinning (35 minutes), core and arm weights. (500)

2200 - 500 = 1800.

Amazing.

And I'm full.

spinning

Well, I got up and did it this morning - I went to spinning and, despite having trouble giving it my all, finished and went on to do some (wimpy) core work but some hard-core arm strengthening too.

I left about 8:40 and was home by about 10:20 -- An hour and a half. I feel good about that!

And I can tell, even though I haven't been weighing myself the last few days. My tight capris are a little less tight this morning. And I'm feeling better overall and craving healthy food.

So, it was probably a 4 out of 5 workout on the scale of toughness. However, when I did it last week it was 5 out of 5 -- and I slept for four hours afterward!

today

Well, no stressed out, work-enduced tears today, thank goodness!

Although there were a few work moments (like when I was asked by a job candidate what the MORALE was like and if I planned to STAY here!) that I had to bite my tounge. I need to sort some inner stuff out before I start spreading rumors to shoot my own foot.

And really, today wasn't so horrible. Not good, but not horrible. 'Nough said. On to better topics: RUNNING!

Today -- Fartlek at the Beaver Island Trail. Total was 24 minutes, I ran for more than 2 miles, did 30 second intervals, it was all good. Except at the end, when my right. foot. kept. hurrrting.

Why???

I did have fun today filling out a practice log for my new log book. Yes, I'm like that. I made a copy this morning and walked around with it (in my defense, the log starts on a Monday and today's Friday!) and I like it. I think I ate about 1750 calories, so I'm actually under my goal by about 50 calories ... (hmmm.... a dangerous realization.... )

goals

Well, I'm back up between 131 and 132. Pizza Wednesday and crap yesterday, I suppose. Plus I didn't do anything workout-related yesterday. It was raining. And I was sad. So there.

BUT! I did do something (actually two things) that are good: As D and I were sitting in the Cub Foods parking lot debating whether to go get icecream, we instead decided to forgo the treat and go to Barnes and Noble, where I bought two strength training books.

One is Shape's ultimate body workout, or something, and it has tons of full-body and target workouts to do, both at home and at the gym.

The other is a workout training log with space for cardio, nutrition, strength and reps, yoga, and other stuff.

My favorate part of both? The goals section.

The book has a "strength test" that I'm doing to do this weekend -- basically, how fast can you run a mile, how many kneed pushups can you do, sit up, and squats. Then, every three months or so, you can retest yourself.

The log has a similar goal section -- long-term, monthly, weekly goals. And I think I really need to set and visualize some goals.

So yes, I'm excited!

so far

So far, so good...

B: 1 cup LF yogurt, banana, coffee with soy milk. (400)
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, chic pea pattie, brocolli and salsa (450)
S: granola, chocolate (300)
Total so far (1150)


Tonight -- salad, pasta and running.

end of the week

I'm hovering just between 130 and 131, which means progress is being made (and Monday's carb fest wasn't a complete derailment).

I want to be 130 by the end of the week, but I also know that setting such time pegs can be as derailing as a carb fest. I don't want to be upset when I don't make it.

But, I also want to make it. If I stick to plan (about 1600 net calories a day) I should get there.

Today is a run day, although I may throw some core work in there as well. I'll be heading over to the BI Trail, lets hope the rain lets up! (And yes, this means getting my brand new shoes muddy ... I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad)

20 extra minutes

I timed my strength workout today.

6 minutes: core.
13 minutes: arms and back.

So for about 20 extra minutes, I got a strength workout in. I can do that, definately, on top of spinning twice a week.

That means I worked out for an hour today!

Eating was also on plan:

Breakfast: LF yogurt, banana and coffee. (400)
Lunch: Soup and half cheese sandwich and chocolate. (700)
Snack: Apple and calorie granola bar. (200)
After workout snack: tofu smoothy. (150)
Dinner: 1 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup quinoa, a chic pea pattie and 1 cup broccoli. (600)

Total: 2100
Calories burned: 400 spinning and 50 weight training.
Which means: I'm ending the day at 1,650, right about where I want to be.

one step at a time.

I had bad a eating day yesterday, mostly set off by a frustrating day at work. Way too much carbs and cheese, basically. Way too much. And no running.

I can do this, get back on plan, get down below 130 again. (I was at 131 this morning, so I'm still down a pound.) And I can get a new job and really decide to tie into grad school.

But it'll take one step at a time:

My goal is really one pound a week, which would put me at goal around mid-December. Boy, it would be awesome starting a new year at goal -- and have a new job to boot!

Today to get a new job: I finished two applications yesterday, so mailing them I will today. Also, I'm going to burn some more DVDs.

Today to get to grad school: Print off check list, study GRE for 30 minutes.

Today to loose weight: Eat healthy, lots of veggies (b: yogurt, banana and strawberries; l: potatoes, chic pea and steams broccoli, salad; s: tbd; d: tofu smoothy). Spin at 5:30 p.m. (and if I don't make it, the eliptical); core and arm weights.

tired

I am tired.

Not sore, just tired. I woke up from a two hour nap and I'm still exausted!

Granted, D and I did go for a two mile walk with the puppies. It was so much fun! :-) We have plans to do it again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, I have plans to do a two mile easy run, some core work and then lots and lots of chores.

Oh, and I need to finish two job aps. Might as well try and put the word out there!

a great way to start the day

I went to spinning today!

Then I stuck with my goal of 5 minutes core work AND strength work on my arms and back. It took maybe an extra 20 minutes to do these two things, which puts working out at about an hour today.

I've been reading a lot about how strength training will (hopefully!) boost my metabolism and help me loose these 11 pounds (yep, I was back down at 131 this morning). I'm also hoping it will keep me injury-free, as this summer was really a wake-up call in that department.

My whole body is tired, but not sore, which I think is a good sign. :-)

blah

Well, the cookies and last night's crap caught up with me: slightly below 132 this morning.

I had another breakdown last night about my job, and it just so happened D called then and I cried to him for about an hour.

As hard as it is to admit it, it's time to expand my horizons.

It's even harder to admit I'm not happy there. It's like I'm failing in the emotions department, even though I know it's not true. the work dynamic and structure has changed. I've grown and apparently, it's making at least one supervisor resentful (and, while I won't go into details, she has bottled that up for a year and it's bursting now. Very mature way to handle personnel things on a supervisors part).

Blah.

four notes

Note one --
No spin today, the class was canceled. I did do 30 minutes on the eliptical and 5 minutes core work.

Note two --
I ate healthy all the way to dinner. When I got home at 7 p.m., it surprised me how hungry I was. I ate my way through a pita and hummus and cheese, a wrap with avocado, and a quesidalla and soy milk.

Note three --
An article at the gym caught my eye, it was about grazing. You know, small breakfast, snack, smallish lunch, snack, dinner, snack. When I first lost all this weight, that's what I was doing. I actually find that's what I'm doing now -- and it's something I may go back to.

Note four --
I talked to my editor again, but I'm still not happy. I just don't feel like I fit into the office anymore.
I want to stick around and see what happens, but I'm just not sure I can.

good vs. bad news

I did my two miles yesterday, with some speed work, even after I ate two cookies in the afternoon.

What can I say? I was weak.

But in good news, the scale is still showing just a smidge over 130, so there's still progress.

On the not-so-good news, I may have overextended my right foot. During the end-of-run walk I started limping slightly. So I iced it last night, iced it again this morning and will take a few days off from running. My goal is three days a week anyway, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to wait until Sunday.

Oh, and I WILL go get new running shoes before my next run. That just may be part of the problem.

Tonight: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Friday: Eliptical?
Saturday: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Sunday: A slow, easy run. 25-30 minutes, depending on how my foot feels.

Oh, and my weight is hovering just above 130 -- yay! I can't tell if I'm maintaining at 131 or if I lost a half a pound.

But either way, it's a good feeling! :-)

the life

Well, I didn't run or spin yesterday. Got out of work at 7, ate dinner, talked on the phone with some long-distance friends and went to bed. Yep, that's it.

It wasn't that I was too tired to run -- I just didn't want to. I would have rather took spinning class, but I missed it by a mile. Work stinks like that some times, there's no set schedule. There's no ability to plan my evenings in a routine way.

- Today will be a long work day. I plan on running tonight at the trail, but we'll see.

- Tomorrow promises to be a little better. I should make it to spinning.

- Friday is a toss up, but running or eliptical is planned.

- Saturday morning's spinning should be doable.

- Sunday is either a rest day or a run day, depending on today and Friday.

The plan is to run no more than three days a week, mostly because I want to ease into running and let my feet fully heal before I pound the pavement. One day will be a speed workout (fartlek) and another will be a long run (one I work up to that).

The other plan is to hit spinning twice a week, either Tuesdays or Thursdays and Saturdays. The weekend always seems doable, although twice mid-week is often a stretch.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get by. Trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to be and start living the life I want.

to run or to spin?

I'm torn today between going to a timed 2 miler at 5:30, spinning at 5:30, or blowing them both and running on a trail a bit later. The spinning is a longer, harder workout. But it would be nice to know my time at 2 miles, and it would be nice to run peacefully on a trail.

With my work schedule and the hecticness that is my job, I don't know if I can get out at 5 p.m. There's no guarantee, although often I can make it stick. I'm also nervous because I want to limit myself to running 3 times a week, and I'm still iffy about going two days in a row, which means of course that if I run today I shouldn't run again until Friday. Bah.

I ran yesterday on the Mississippi trail, the dirt one between the paved one and the river. I loved it! My iPod was dead, but no matter. The trail, the trees, the chipmunks, the river, the beauty of it all -- mixed with the rythem of my breathe -- was all I needed.

In other news, I think I know what I want to do career-wise. There's a related health graduate program that I can take that could set me up to do some public health communications work, something that is dear to my heart. I bounced it off a friend last night and he thought it sounded like a good fit. I'll see what my mom thinks tonight.

one pound down, 11 to go!

Some bits of news to report:

I lost one pound (!!!) A few days of somewhat healthy eating and exercising hard (run, spin, run, spin, ah!) really paid off. My goal is to be 125 (via the doctors scale) which is 120 at my scale. So, 11 pounds to go! (Secretly I would love to be 120 at the doctor's scale but I just don't know if that's doable. So. 125 it is!)

I'm seriously thinking about a health/science writing career. There are a few graduate programs out there and it seems to fit better than anything else I've stumbled upon, considering I've always been drawn to health stories (well, preventative health stories) and have always been curious with the theory of the world. More on that later.

D and I, are, well, dating? I'm not really sure to be honest because we haven't talked about it. I don't think things have fully changed -- I don't think he's ready to commit, I feel like he's still working on himself. But I do know am in the process of changing and taking more control of my life -- I want to go out and do my own thing, find a career that fits, exercise, eat healthy, etc. etc.

Saturday

The very good: I went to spinning and didn't die and did 7 minutes of abs.

The good: I bought another workout tank top that will make me look cute (and feel so athletic!)

The pretty good: I hung out with D at the parks with his pups.

The somewhat pretty good: I went out and had drinks and lots of fun with a bunch of friends.

The somewhat good: I ate healthy, healthy food all day -- just a little too much of it.

The somewhat less good: I went out for drinks and had 2.5 beers (yes, I'm a lightweight).



The somewhat confusing: D showed up at the bar to say hi, which I didn't expect at all. He's coming over for lunch today...

la vie

Well, meeting D last night was fine. We decided to be friends (but he said he would not date others) and I kind of set the ground rules.

We're meeting in the middle, period. (None of this lazy-ass shit that happened a few weeks before we broke up). We're planning when, where and what time before. Hugging is okay, I'm not ready for kissing (He tried that last night, although I think part of it was just because he always did that at goodbye). We're not going to talk every day, and hanging out will be limitted each week.

It's what I'm comfortable with right now. Besides, we both have things to work on.

I want to focus on my career, find my next move and really focus on getting fit again.

He quit drinking and chewing, wants to get healthy and focus on school.

What happens down the road, happens. But I feel more free to pursue my life and happy because of that. So I think we made the right decision. Weird, huh? C'est la vie.

a plan

My legs are sore, I was sweating buckets, but I did it. I survived the sping class. Plus 5 minutes of core.

Tomorrow: Run (20 minutes) plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run (20-25? minutes) plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday: Run 2 miles plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday run plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing.
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Long(er) run plus strength.

And the cycle continues..

giving away

Arizona was amazing ... I really didn't want to leave to come back to my life. I wanted to stay, hang out with my ever-loving mom and basically hike and hang out by the pool each day.

But, sigh, I'm back to reality.

Which means two things:

1. D wants to meet and I think try our relationship again. I am willing to date -- casually -- but not the whole seroius, dramatic thing that we had. I keep thinking I gave and gave and gave and at the end, I was giving away things I needed. Things that were important to me.

Which leads me to:

2. I'm back on my healthy eating plan and workout circuit. Today is core and spinning, tomorrow is weights and a 20 minute one at the quarry. Even though I pigged out in AZ and during the last week or two, I've been working out like a maniac. And it feels good and I feel strong -- something that I felt I got away from at the end with D.

And to:

3. Finding my own personal career path. I feel like I am a story teller -- it's which form and where that gets me. I would love to publish some childrens books. I would like to do more digging with newspapers. I would love to explore working on a novel. All of these things feels more me than anything else I can imagine (except, maybe, teaching writing/journalism at a college level.) And this is something I almost gave away with D.

So there you go. I'm keeping these things. And it means time and probably moving away at sometime (hopefully) in the (near) future.