More proof that these weight/strength/core classes are not only kicking my ass, but reshaping my body:

I lost an inch(!) from my waist! It's now 32" :-)

My newest thing -- strength training and working out on my lunch break.

Seriously. I love it.

I'm all stressed out when I get off at noon. I work out for an hour. I'm completely relaxed. And that's it. My stress levels stay pretty normal for the rest of the day.

My goal is two days a week of strength training.

a walk down memory lane

I really wanted to write about something else tonight, something completely off topic. About the guy I met on the plane my freshman year in college.

I met him in this amazingly romantic way, at least at 18 years old I thought so. We were flying home for Thanksgiving and a huge group of us went to the airport together on the metro. I flew to Minneapolis and T was on my same flight -- he had a connection there to California. Long story short, we sat together and we talked for the 2 1/2 hours. It was one of the amazing conversations where you feel like you've met the person before, but also a little awkward because you're trying to impress the other.

Long story short, we went on a few dates -- if you can even call them that, since it was college. He implied a lot of things, alluded to wanting to date me or more. But that's all it was. He never once tried to kiss me. Even when we spent an incredible romantic evening walking around the national mall. Not once.

And so, like any sensible midwestern girl, I wrote him off. I dated other people, who did kiss me. But in between each boyfriend he reappeared. He took me on dates. He alluded to a lot of things, but that's all he ever did. And I thought two things. That he was flakey. And that he liked the idea of me, a sweet midwestern girl meets the big city, more than the actual me.

So fast forward -- oh my god -- EIGHT years. And out of the blue he contacts me. He's living in California. He tells me he's been thinking a lot about me, how he regrets never pursuing me, how he thought I was his true love that night he met me on the plane. He implied he wanted to visit, wanted to become a part of my life again. He gets really excited when I say I've applied to a job in the same state he happen to applly to law school.

What the hell is a sweet midwestern girl suppose to do with that?

I did a strength class at noon and spinning after work. I'm a little sore, but not nearly as much as I thought I would be.

Which means ... time to run this afternoon!

I was contemplating running outside at lunch, but the sleet looks pretty messy and my muscles could use the extra 5 or so hours of rest.

The good news -- I'm down a pound to 130 (damn Christmas cookies!).

I ran five miles yesterday. In 14 degree weather.

And loved it.

And completely undid all the good by munching on a half-dozen christmas cookies and throwing back a beer at a coworker get-together.

A sugar addict, I am.

Today I went snowshoeing with D. My legs were happy that I stretched them out without killing them at spinning. My emotions? I wouldn't exactly characterize them as happy... but... there were moments. And what can I say, I miss the puppies.

Who were very, very happy to see me. Scout couldn't help himself and climbed up into my lap the second I got into the car.

Yes, in the end, despite the brief tears, it was definately worth it. It is what it is, he's not the one. But the puppies still love me.

a confession...

I have a confession to make.

I have become a sugar addict. Ever since cookie baking last week I have eaten my weight in chocolate, cookies, cocoa and sugar.

It's why I'm hovering at 130.5 pounds, a nearly 3 pound gain in 3 weeks.

It's always why I am feeling so lethargic lately. How many times did I run or spin this week? (Once each. Not good.)

On the other hand, I tried a new class yesterday at lunch and I'm pretty sure I'm going back. It's a core strengthening class. It was hard but I can definately feel it this morning.

I'm also dressed and will be leaving in a few minutes for a "body pump" class. Not sure what exactly that means, but it's worth a try. I'm also planning on taking a small break and then going running early this afternoon, when the temperatures start up in the high 20s.

I miss running outside! It's SO much better than a sugar rush (and inevitable slump).

I did not workout yesterday. I did spend the afternoon baking cookies with coworkers and then, after successfully eating none all day, I ate six. For dinner.

It's so cold here my car won't start. :-(

brrrr....

It's suppose to be just a few degrees below zero when the race starts this morning, warming to zero by the time it's over. I keep wondering if it'll be cancelled. The killer is I promised my friend I would do it with her -- although she'll be running a lot faster than me. So all of a sudden I find myself being one of those crazy runners that brave the extreme cold to run a 5k. All for a sticken' t-shirt!

Today's goals

I'm up to 131 and, to be honest, it's time to reexamine my daily routine instead of my weekly one. I mean, I ran 3 miles yesterday and did intervals; on Wednesday I did spinning and weights; on Tuesday I kicked my legs into squats and lunges during the bootcamp dvd. I should be seeing a downward spiral, not up!

I think my eating habits are out of control, though. Large lunchs. Giving in to the cookie monster at work, sometimes literally when they push food on me. Cheese. Hot chocolate every day. I mean, come on!

So today, here are my goals.

1. Drink an amazing amount of water. Water before every meal and snack. And bring lemon slices to work to try and make it tastier.

2. Eat a total of one cookie today. I'm baking for a holiday exchange tomorrow, and one of my cookies is only 60 calories. As I bake, my goal "test" goal is to cut cookies into fourths. That way I can test each of the four batches. Talk about total restraint.

3. Get my veggies on. I've been woefully lax on eating all my veggies. So it's time to get back on the veggie wagon!

Spinning. kicked. my. a$$.

Woah.

snow fall, again

The threat of snowfall (I think we got 4 inches) and all the cancelations kept me away from the gym yesterday. I have this fear of driving home in the dark during a snowfall. Things get icier and dicier and so I did the bootcamp dvd at home. It wasn't exactly spinning... but it felt good.

Because of the new gym schedule change, I can now go to spinning tonight!

remembering the lessens of yore

I have been lamenting lately about the scale and how I could possibly weigh 130 now, yet workout a reasonable amount and seem to eat right. Grrr those two pounds I gained this week.

I have also been wondering how in the world I was a six 6 two years ago and only 5 pounds lighter -- and I didn't really workout. I really miss being a six 6, although I can live with a size 8.

And how it is remotely possible that at 127 in February this year my wool pants were loose and at 128 this month I can barely zip them up?

This is pure insanity!

But then I realized, no. It's not insanity (although the one pound difference does have be confused). I had different eating habits back then. I would never have cleaned off a plate of restaurant nachos at lunch, although I would have made a small plate of nachos at home heaping with veggies and fat free cheese.

Hmm.

Backe then --

- I avoided processed carbs -- ie, banana instead of granola in my yogurt, no bread with my soup, etc.
- I rarely ate desert or candy. If I did, it was a bite or two, not the whole thing.
- I always, always, always left food on my plate, even if it was only a few bites. I don't think I actually finished a meal.

And so, effective immediately, that's what I'm going to do.

back on the bus...

This morning I was back up to 130... time to get back on the eating healthy and watching my portions camp. Obviously I can't go for a week without paying attention to my eating habits, sneaking chocolate and carbs, and basically not workout out.

So here's the plan:

Monday: Bootcamp DVD
Tuesday: Run 3 miles with 1 mile of intervals; arm/back/core strength
Wednesday: Spinning
Thursday: Noon bodyshaping class; run 2 miles easy
Friday: Off.
Saturday: 5k race
Sunday: 4:30 spinning; arm/back/core strength

my poor, frozen ears

I am loosing my steam this weekend. And to be fully honest, it has a lot to do with the frostnip my ears got on Wednesday during my lunchtime run. In my infinate wisdom, I ignored the white skin on the tips of my ear and the stinging sensation until yesterday. That's when I googled frostbite and found out about frostnip, and how you're suppose to apply a hot washcloth to the area to revive it.

I can't believe I've lived 25 years, the vast majority through Minnesota winters, and I've never really thought about this before.

Yes... I know...

It snowed 6.5 inches yesterday, although 13 inches was predicted. I skipped attending a babyshower, even though it was only a few miles away. If I had snowshoes I probably would have trecked there. I know I have new tires and new breaks, but I do not have 4-wheel drive and my emergency lights do not work. Memories of the last three years kept me at home: getting stuck at a right-hand turn; not turning left fast enough ang almost getting hit a few times; going into the ditch (although that one wasn't actually my fault; I wasn't driving); and striking a car that spun out infront of me.

I'm getting conservative in my old age! I even skipped spinning (before the snow started) for the fear of having to get my car the mile home if it piled up too high to fast. (That's what happened when the car ahead of me spun out). It was a weird, semi-lonely but semi-nice-to-be-alone day. I vegged out, baked some pitas and watched Bones and some other shows online.

I also ran 2.5 miles yesterday at the apartment gym and basically died the whole way. It was not very fun. And the treadmill made weird creaking noise the entire time! I also assessed some of the weight machines, which seem to be in good working order. Most of the machines are actually two in one, which surprised me. So many that's what I'll start doing on my lunch workouts.

Today I already dug out my car and went grocery shopping -- I bought way more flour and sugar and butter than I really need for cookies, but oh well. 'Tis the season, right? Now I'm considering if I should run outside or go to the gym and do the treadmill (ugh) or the eliptical and some weights. I have a 5k in a week -- I really should run outside... But my ears... I don't want them to get worse....

a winter wonderland ...

The winter storm has started and, because of my vivid memory of what happened the LAST time a winter storm blew in -- my poor car has never been the same -- I decided against going to spinning this morning.

But, I will run. Either on the dreaded apartment treadmill or outside.

Isn't that a tad crazy? I'll consider running outside but not driving ...?

decisions

It's finally friday and I'm really, really ready for the weekend. And this cold front to move on past. I miss running outside but after Wednesday's noon run and my frozen ears, well, I don't want to take chances again. Which makes me nervous -- am I going to have to run 5 miles on a treadmill on Sunday? I've been putting off treadmilling for as long as humanly possible.

On another note, today's the day I'm going to talk to my boss about my interest in moving up/to another place. Because I feel, personally and professionally, I'm ready. As much as I think about Wyoming and dream of living in the wilderness, I know deep down that it's not the right move for me. Which means I need to ask for help from within. Which is so amazingly hard. I've been putting it off for months.

Yesterday I did a 40 minute bootcamp video which was surprisingly hard but not the strength training section. I'm not used to doing all the squats and lunges, but they've got to be good for me. And it's nice to feel my muscles this morning. Tonight I'll probably do the eliptical and maybe some strength/core or even yoga; Saturday is spinning and arm strength; Sunday is a long run. Hopefully outside but not if the windchill drops to the negative teens again. I happen to like me ears.

dehydrated

I am dehydrated, which sucks. I went out for one glass of beer yesterday and half an individual pizza and I'm up to 130 and have a headache from dehydration. Blah. What a way to start a Thursday.

I did go run outside yesterday during lunch -- I ran up the hill (a mile) and did 6 hill repeats of 10-15 seconds each -- which was fine until I turned around and met a very strong headwind. I was very, very cold. Time for double layers on the legs and triple lays on top.

Oh, and I got a message about a job in Wyoming. I have mixed feelings. It sounds like an awesome place to live when it comes to the mountains and beauty and nature, but it's also really small and isolated and I would be working on my own.

So... I'll call back at lunch time and see what I can figure out. As my good friend told me, there's no harm in looking. You can always say no.

But I think this is going to kick my butt into talking to my boss about transfering up in the company. So maybe it's just what I need.

two life lessons i learned from a book i read on the plane...yes, i know. cliche.

I really overdid the carbs this evening, although I'm not really sure why. It's been a weird day. Going from 80 degrees to 1 degree outside is not fun! Work was slow and awkward and frustrating. Then I got amazingly painful stomach cramps a half-hour before I was suppose to spin. So I skipped spinning, went grocery shopping and made some (surprisingly) yummy tofu-pot-pie. The pie part isn't really even necessary and I might just have to add it to my recipe pile. So no spin, no strength. I told myself I would do yoga or a dvd but that didn't happen. I finished knitting a scarf only to realize that I had another ball of yarn I could have added to it. Yeah, it's been one of those days. I might give it to D since apparently he wants to get together, he called me last week before the trip but I haven't actually heard from him. Yeah, I know. I broke down and left him a message tonight. Two years and to be honest, I wonder if he'll ever be completely out of my life. But we did go through a lot, and maybe that's okay. I started knitting the scarf during his deployment and had a clear vision of myself wearing it while I was bicycling around his house. Obviously that's not going to happen for many reasons. So why not give it away as a clear-my-head peace offering? Or I might donate it to a homeless shelter or something. I'm in one of those moods where I want to say things but really am doubting if I want to mean them. There are two thoughts that keeping bouncing in and out of my mind, though. Because yeah, I read a chick lit book on the plane and these were the major morals of the story. And they really, really apply to me.

1. Forgiveness. I can't move forward until I accept and forgive. I'm starting to realize this applies to many people, including myself.

2. You reap what you sow. Or, which I like better since I'm not a farmer: The grass is not greener on the other side; it's greener because it's watered.

And, has my all-time favorite advice columnist recently said to someone in a much worse situation that I'm in:

When you hit bottom, or near bottom, do two things. Take care of yourself. And take care of others.

Hmmm. My mind is just buzzing tonight.

ahhhh vacation

I'm pleasantly surprised that my weight only increased .5 pounds -- to 128.5 or 129, depending on which way you step on the scale. Given that amazing holiday weekend and amazing food I had while visiting my parents in Arizona, I was very happy. But, even more happy that I got to spenda long weekend with all my siblings and my parents, who I miss. But I guess it's time they become snow birds and fly south ... and honestly, they both look happy and healthy. So the desert must be good for them.

I also was happy with my activity level -- a killer 5k with my brother on Thanksgiving (30:30!!), which is something like a 9:50 minute mile. My fastest one yet! A two hour hike up (and down) Pinnacle Peak, a horseback ride through the desert and an hour run (4.7 miles?) with my mom. Not to mention that we sat in the jaccuzi every single day!

Ahh what a life! :)

So now, it's time for my relaxed and vacationed self to go back to work... I just hope to hang on to this feeling, this confidence and I might dare to say glow for a while.

vaca baby

I worked my legs off in spinning today -- the first time I went in about two weeks -- and it felt damn good! Hard, but good.

I'm now on vacation and I'm starting to finally relax. We'll see how relaxed I am at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning when I wake up to get my arse to the airport at 5 a.m., but seriously relaxed.

The only stresser of today was when D called to see if we could meet up this week. No, I can't. I'm flying south. Apparently he wants to get together for lunch or something; sounds like there's a lot of changes happening in his world. I may be at that point next week. Three weeks of silence and it may be time to start communicating with the ex. If it's on my terms. And he actually follows through.

So, I'm putting that into the back of my mind next and I'm off to go bask in the sun of Arizona! woohoo! :)

Not right here, but maybe soon

I just watched the end of the bachelor and when he chose neither of them, I thought, yeah. That's what it's like. You can't just decide to fall in love with someone and get married; thinking and wishing and hoping and praying isn't squat when it's the wrong fit. Or more importantly, the wrong time. I know that. I'm living that right now.

Does that sound bitter? I hope not. I hope it sounds real. Not only do you have to meet someone who gets your jokes, but you have to be open to a commitment. Thinking back over the men I've dated, I'm starting to realize that there have been some that really, truely wanted to find someone to settle down with. But I wasn't ready. And let me tell you, I ran.

Take my first college boyfriend. He was looking for someone to get married with and have kids -- and I, in a bold face lie, told him I didn't want kids. I'm not really sure why I said it, I knew I was lying when I did, but it felt wrong. It was my subconcious looking out for me. It felt wrong to be a freshman in college and making such commitments when I had barely started my major. I wanted to grow into it. And, as can expected, he went on to date someone else for the next four years. I heard she backed out too, though.

Take the guy in Maryland that bought me an Irish car bomb (and, of course, I won that race) and then took me out to the nicest restaurant in the city that weekend. He had a good job, he was funny, his friends were settling down and he had that look in his eye. He didn't have to say it, but you can tell. And I barely gave him a chance. He was cute, funny, smart, but I ran. I snuffed that flame before it was really even lit. I ran.

There have been others -- I won't even get into the college guy I met on the airplane -- but these were the first examples that came to mind. I've broken up with other boys before. And I've chased boys that I know, deep down, never had any intention of even a smidgen of commitment. And I think that's why I chased them. And went out with them. And, in some cases, visited their parents in New Jersey and listed to their mom talk about the backwardness of the Midwest and how could anyone from a state where they pronounce their oooooooohhhs like this be civilized? I listened and I smiled and I put up with it even though, deep down, I knew it would never result in anything. Because I knew I wasn't ready.

I'm not sure if D falls into this category or not. Two years is a lot more complicated to analyze than two weeks or two months. Did it follow a similar pattern than before? Yes and no. There were also a lot of core differences that we couldn't shake. But just for the sake of it, let's compare. Before I knew I wanted to excell at college and be known for my own work (which I did, quite prominently), just like I knew I didn't want to stay in Maryland, although I probably would have liked to date that nice Pentagon police officer (I moved back home shortly later). I've known for at least a year that I wanted a new job in a new city, so maybe my subconcious was making a move again.

As I continue my job search, one of the things I'm really thinking hard about is the community. Not just the company or the position, but what it would be like to live there for a long, long time. To fall in love and have kids there, to make friends there. I know you can do that anywhere; the paragraphs above show that. Hell, the men above show that I'm the marrying type, even if I wasn't ready. But I want to be in a spot where I can fully commit, and choose a guy that has the qualities that I am looking for -- not someone that I know, somewhere deep down, is wrong for me because the space and time is wrong for a commitment.

So there you go. A brief analysis of my dating history. And it's starting to make me rethink my philosphy about life and love.

I used to think that you would your perfect person and it could be the wrong time or the wrong place, but if it was real you would work it out. I am now saying hogwash. It's not about the perfect person. There are plenty of people that you can have a beautiful, happy and long life with. What's more important is being at the right place and the right time when you meet one of those people -- so you don't feel forced to give something up that is important to you in order to keep them.

(Ok, I confess, I recently saw a rerun of the final episode of Sex and the City ...)

So maybe it's starting to be the right time for me, and maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to start dating again here. There was a cute guy at lunch that I had the perfect opportunity to talk to, but I know I want to move. So maybe my subconcious is looking out for me. And maybe I should listen.

(And hurry up and find a new job.)

two days and counting

I held the weight, which is pretty amazing and confirmation that it isn't a fluke. Today I will run 2 miles of hills and do some core work and tomorrow I will do spin, drive home and then Wednesay at the crack of dawn fly to sunny ARIZONA for Thanksgiving. I am so excited to see my family and bask in the warmth of the southwest! We have lots of fun things planned -- a 5k, a hike, a horseback ride, lots of swimming, etc. And we're even talking about having dinner outside. Can you think of anything crazier than having Thanksgiving dinner outside!?

I have a few errands to do today and tomorrow that include figuring out a credit card mess and applying to a job that, while not exactly what I want, it is an amazing place. I've been daydreaming about the mountains and rivers all weekend. So we'll see. Life is full of these decisions: Do you advance to work in a place you don't like, or do you take a lesser job in a place you love. And I'm starting to realize that there isn't a wrong decision to be made, you can always pick yourself back up and make a life.

I feel more and more drawn to the nature. One of the things I hope to find in a mate is a love of the outdoors -- hiking, canoeing, basically hanging out outside. So the possibility of having a state park in my backyard really excites me.

lower than expected

I weighed in at 128 this morning. It was June since I weighed this less and, looking back over the last year, it seems that I've dipped to this weight for only for a few weeks, most notably in March when I was running 10+ miles in preperation for the half marathon. Only once in 2007 did I record a lower weight: 127.5.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with this number. But it's a little unexpected and I'm suspicious -- I haven't been exactly good this week, so how did I drop 2 pounds?

I ran only three days with no cross training (I normally workout at least 5 days). I haven't strength trained in at least two weeks (could it be muscle loss? That would be bad!) My eating has been well portioned but have been eating my fair share of junk: Cocoa just about every night, bread while I'm fixing dinner, on Friday a burrito with cheese and last night some pizza.

But the weird thing is, my three runs have been awesome, besides the heel pain. And I'm half considering going out and dong a few miles today, although I told myself I would go swim. My two miler up the hill was done at a 10-minute mile pace. My three miler, including a mile of fartlek, felt good. My first five miles in five months (since MAY!) was amazing. Falling snow, the crunch of leaves on the trail, the rushing river, feeling alive and warm and insolated in the woods from the cold.

So why shouldn't I be happy with this number? I had other small victories that, honestly, were helped my a hectic night schedule. I haven't been snacking much at work, and when I have it's been a banana or popcorn. I've had chocolate every day (it is my period) but it's been a handful of peanut m&ms or cocoa, nothing exstravegant. I've been eating mostly meals I've prepared like mushroom-totellini soup (mmm) and bbq tempeh. I've included a few glasses of milk a week and, honestly, I feel more satesfied after that meal -- I'm getting more protein. I used portion control. I really wanted pizza last, but didn't eat all my pieces.

And hell, I've been working toward this since the summer. So why shouldn't I enjoy? Why shouldn't I feel proud?

So there it is. I'm accepting this number. It's not a fluke or a coincidence, but a reflection of my ever-better health habits and ever-improving workout schedule. And I'm going to maintain and try to continue to lose through the holiday season. I would love to be 125 when half marathon training starts in January and 120 when I run it in April (which equals about 125 dressed at the doctors office).

But if not, if I stay at 128, I know I'll be satisfied. It is, basically, my lowest weight of the year!

5 miles alone

I missed the running group. I pulled up just as they were leaving and there was no hope of me catching up. I got really down on myself -- why was I late, why wasn't I prepared, of course this would happen to me.

And then I brushed it aside. Now just wasn't the right time. And I went and I ran 5 miles on the trail while snow flurries were falling and it was beatuful and invigorating. And I went five miles. For an hour. I did it. And that's something to be proud of.

And I am. I'm glad I went by myself, I'm glad I accomplished what I did.

right here, right now, it's okay

I had moments of happiness today that I haven't felt in a while. I caught myself singing and even dancing to a song on tv as I wandered around the apartment doing chores. I'm starting to feel whole in my skin and again and, even though I'm not completely there, I have to say it feels damn good.

Making a targeted and deliberate effort to get out there, meet new people, pursue my passions and take pride in my work is really working. And so, it seems, is the smiling.

Every single day this break up is getting easier, I'm feeling more like my old self -- the self that smiled and laughed and burst into song when no one was around and shimmied her hips to a song. Yesterday a coworker commented that I was the one that always was smiling. Even though I know that's far from the truth, it's getting closer.

I was all flustered today to when I saw a guy I know through work at a ceremony I was at and he said hi to me. There were lots of folks that I've met through work that said hi to me today, yesterday, the day before. But this felt different. I said hi to him, but I was stammering. I didn't know what to say. I had one of those your-cute-and-words-are-not-forming moments. I know that I'm a long while away from dating again but being able to recognize that moment meant a lot. It means I'm healing and that, eventually, I'll meet someone that I can form words with. And, eventually, I'll meet someone to start a life with. The timing is just not right here, not right now.

And now I'm crying. Wow, it's been an emotional day! Smiles, tears -- I guess I'm really realizing that we're I am right now in life is okay. It's okay to be alone for a while, to give myself time to heal myself. It won't be forever, just for a while.

a brave thing ...

I did a brave thing today.

I signed myself up to run in a group. With other people. On Saturday. For five fricken' miles. And my feet are still sore.

But I did it. I signed up. And I'm going to baby my feet tomorrow and hit it bright and early Saturday morning.

I'm a little scared. I'm a lot nervous. I'm wondering if my feet will survive and if I'll humiliate myself by not being able to keep up or even finish.

But. I did it. And I'm going. It's all part of the picking-myself-up-and-putting-myself-back-together plan. Take risks, even though you may fail. Extend yourself and meet new people, even though they may not like you.

It'll be okay, right!? It's all part of the plan!

skipped the bar

I skipped the bar last night, slept in a bit, went for a two mile run, cleaned the kitchen and am now icing more feet. Icing the feet is a bad sign, it means they hurt after only running two miles (in 20 minutes, by the way!). I doubled up on socks today and it helped with the heel slipping a bit. I ordered a new pair of my old running shoes online so maybe that's the answer, not these fancy shoes I was talked into buying.

I skipped the bar last night for a number of reasons. I was tired, I wanted to run this morning, but also because I questioned the way I was invited. I know, I'm over analyzing a perfectly good drinking invite... the thing is, I'm not a big drinker. I would much rather play a game or do something outside or go out to dinner than sit around a bar and drink. Drinking for the sake of drinking makes me nervous -- and I hate how it makes me feel the next day. Don't get me wrong, I do like a glass of wine with dinner or a beer on a hot day. I just haven't made friends here (well, I have but they moved away ...) that view drinking for the sake of drinking the same way and I don't want to get sucked into a scene that I'm not comfortable with.

Blah.

Weight: 130
Run: 2 miles up the hill to the watertower, 20 minutes
Feet: My heels hurt :(

nature

I ran for the first time in a week, along a dirt trail along the Mississippi with amazing views of the water. It's only a mile long and so I did some sprints along the paved trail, which has no good views, but it connects and provides that additional mile to bring my total up to 3 plus today.

I love that trail, it's one of my absolute favorites. It's a gift I feel that running has given me. I used to only run on treadmills or in neighborhoods. Trail running is a hundred times better. Wherever I move next, I hope I can find trails like this one. Despite the harsh wind and 30 degree weather, the scenery is breathtaking and afterward I feel at peace with myself and nature.

When I run on it, I feel like I am right where I need to be.

mending myself

I've been doing a lot of self loathing lately, which has a lot to do with a lot of things. I sat down to write many times over the last week but didn't like how I sounded. I don't want to be that girl, complaining about breaking up and my weight and work and blah blah blah. I didn't used to be that girl. At least, not for a long time.

I remember in junior high I switched schools. Seventh grade was a bad, bad year and I remember thinking at one point that I could go through a whole day without speaking to someone besides my family. Anyway. I won a volleyball award in eighth grade at the new school for being the player that always smiled -- even if I didn't get to play very much. I was so deliriously happy to have friends that I didn't even realize I was happy or that things were much different, but it showed. I couldn't help but smile.

Now I'm feeling like I'm in seventh grade again. Nobody talkes to me. I don't have friends. Self pity is a very easy and slippery slope to slide down. But I have a lot to be thankful for and really, it's not that bad. It's just different and, while I've lost some relationships, I have the opportunity to grow some too. In the past few weeks I've done -- solo -- a lot of social and, I think, brave things. I went to a coworker's party. I went to touch football. I joined coworkers at a movie. I went to a volunteer trip reunion dinner. I went to a writing workshop. I also said no when appropriate; when I didn't want to get piss drunk or stay up until dawn. I looked out for me.

There's a lot of ways I'm moving forward. I bought make up, a new pair of jeans and shoes. Yes, little things but I'm starting to feel cute again. And I caught the eye of two guys today. I think one did a double-take. Sure it's little -- but I just need to feel pretty right now, and that's okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me and the kind of attitude I put off. I'm naturally shy and feel awkward around folks I don't know -- but that can be read as standoffish. I've been grumpy and frustrated at work lately, and that can be read as, well, grumpy. I don't think I smile enough and so have been making an effort to smile more and present myself as relaxed and comfortable and fun and generally happy. A few people are talking to me more at work. I don't think it's them, I think it's me.

This is all because I broke up with D, but it's more than that. It's because I'm doubting myself. And because in the last year I've broken off friendships that needed to be let go, but I never replaced them. For the first few weeks I thought about how wonderful D is. Now I'm starting to remember the things that really made me question his integrity and if I could marry him. I've come up with a dozen or so examples, which I decided against going into here. But this excerise has been good for my soul; I just needed to remember why I had to get out, why he wasn't the one for me and why I finally made the decision I did.

I'm not exactly out of the woods, but I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I'm trying -- and it's hard! -- to not compare myself to others in order to judge my self worth. I grew up never thinking I was good enough and comparing myself to my always-seemingly-perfect siblings. But that's not only wrong, but ironic because they think I'm the one who has it all figured out!

I may be single right now, but being single is a lot better than being with someone that drags you down and know, in your gut, you don't want to marry. I may not be entering an ivy league law school, but I did win an award for my work this year, which is the third year in a row. I may be in a size 8 right now, but I'm still 35 pounds less than I was three years ago, fitter, stronger and have a half marathon under my belt. I may not be gorgeous, but I have a pretty girl-next-door look that works really well for me.

I haven't even mentioned my weight in this post and, while I thought about ignoring it, I do have a small victory to report. I weighed in at 129 this weekend and am maintaining at 130. Which is a 2 pound weightloss and something I can live with. I was sick all weekend and have yet to work out, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I needed to rest and mend myself; I still am mending myself. Part of this whole journey is taking care of myself and my body and that's what I'm doing.

And that's just where I need to be.

back on track ... part two

132. Talk about frustrating after I ran my 4 miler yesterday.

But then I thought back to what I ate this weekend and it was a "duh" moment. Sure, I worked out every day. Sure, I skipped the booze and goodies at the party. But. I ate a crazy number of nachos and cheese on Friday. And then I continued to munch on the chips the rest of the weekend and graze. I also had lots of chocolate and candy in the days following halloween. I didn't really cook at all last week and had moments where I just wasn't sure what I wanted -- and so I chose the non-healthy choice.

The chips are now in the garbage can. My fridge is now full of veggies and healthy fixings.

Now it's up to me. Time to seriously get my eating back on track!

moderation

Yesterday was a very sane eating day, even though there was plenty of potential otherwise. I feel really good about my willpower. All in all, I burned about 400 calories and didn't eat about 500 calories -- Without all this willpower, I would have been nearly 1,000 calories over budget!

* I went to the gym and did spin, even though I was tired and seriously did not want to be there. I picked the wrong bike and was kicking myself the whole time. But I finished and I did some core work, although I skipped the arm/back workout. Some days it's enough to just get through the cardio.

* I did some major shopping Saturday and at the grocery store, I decided that I should try my old trick of everything in moderation.

I bought diet coke (I so want to quit it!) but I bought the small 8 oz cans instead of the large ones. I plan to slowly start weaning myself off of them.

And I bought a pint of chocolage fudge ice cream. But here's the catch. I'm only allowing myself to eat 1/4 cup a day. That serving is about 130 calories, about equal to the fake sugar diet ice cream. In the last few years one of the things I've learned is that fake sugar just enduses more sugar cravings. I buy skinny cow ice cream bars and before you know it, I've eaten three or four of them. But the real stuff, like tbe Ben & Jerry's I bought, really hits the spot. I'm also planning and using this as motivation for bypassing the breakroom goodies. Here's my mantra -- "this looks good, but chocolate fudge icecream at home is so much better."


* I bypassed a calorie-rich fest at a party Saturday. There was lots of alcohol and lots of goodies and snacks and treats. But the thing was, I didn't really feel like drinking. I didn't trust myself to hold in all the crazy sad emotions I've been feeling and I really just wanted to have fun. And I only had one cookie, which surprised myself because I was near the food table the whole time. I had a healthy meal and a 1/4 cup of ice cream (see above) before I went and I just wasn't hungry. More than anything, I was thirsty and had about four glasses of water. (Total savings = 2 glasses beer, 2 cookies, handful chex mix, etc = 500 calories).

healthy-er

I realized today that I need some time to heal. I've been pushing myself and I'm just not quite ready or sure of my footing. I exchanged items again with D today and it was a horrible, miserable, no-good, very bad lunch. Seriously. I had tears welling about half the time.

I need to heal. I've been looking at datings sites but the thing is -- as much as I want to find love and happiness and settle down and start a family, as much as I want all that plus the picket white fence -- I'm just not ready. I need to be happy on my own so I don't make the same mistake of trying to find happiness in a guy. It took me two years to figure that out and you better believe I'm going to head it. So no dating until at least January. At least.

I have a lot of other mending to do. I want to lose weight. I want to get stronger and faster. I want to finish writing my children's book. I want to encourage and create friendships. I want to get back into art and music. I want to further embrace nature. I need to get back my footing -- and make sure I'm on solid ground -- before I should even think about dating. I don't have good judgement right now.

run, spin, strength

I surprised myself by not only talking myself into running 2 miles yesterday but also getting up and going to spinning and staying another 40 minutes to do weights and core work. There was a cute guy there and I'm sure that's why I did a few more sit ups and the leg press. We left at the same time but I didn't remember to smile at him or say anything when we nearly ran into eachother going down the stairs. I probably should have taken my headphones off too, headphones never spark conversation. It's hard to remember how to put myself out there and after 2 years I feel like I'm learning to do it all over again and I worry that I'll not only be rejected but scaffed at, like 'what was she thinking she's so not in the same league as I am.' I'm a size larger than I was before but I'm also stronger and faster and slowly working my way back down to a six 6. Which, by the way, I'm not really sure how I maintained for a year because I never worked out. But if I never worked out, I would never accidently run into cute guys at the gym on the stairwell. Maybe he'll be there next week.

I'm sore now but all in all, the gym was good. And so was running last night, although my knees were a little sore. I basically fell asleep last night before I could go out, but I have two sets of plans today with coworker-type friends and that should be fun. And good for me.

two miles

I ran two miles with two hill repeats. It felt pretty good and I surprised myself by running at (I think) a 10:30 pace and keeping my heartrate in the 170s.

And even though I didn't run during lunch -- seroiusly, will this crazy work week ever get less crazy? -- I did sneak it in before a work dinner. It's one thing to feel good about!

yesterday

Yesterday was a relatively sane eating day, except for the cake after lunch. I'm hoping that it's one step closer to a sane eating week. I think I totaled in a reasonable range.

Yogurt and coffee: 250
Veggie enchillata meal, broccoli, soy nuts, cheese stick: 650
Cake, granola bar: 350
1/2 pb sandwich, tempeh bbq sandwich, grapes, 2 cheese sticks: 750
Total: 2000
Workout: Spinning, weights
Total: 1500?

Today I am running at lunch. I am going. Two miles. Up the hill. It'll be the only time to fit it in, as I have dinner plans at 6:30 after work. I may or may not squeeze yoga in. But I'm going for a run!

the best

130.5 Pretty good for another crazy eating day. Breakfast and lunch were fine - but I went out for Mexican food with D and had some yummy chocolate-fudge-brownie-chip ice cream shortly after. (A small size, but still).

It felt good to talk to him. He's doing well and is really honing in on what he wants to do for a living, I'm really happy for him and I think he'll be successful. The unreliable streak is still there (he says he's going to go live in Mexico for six months after graduation ...) but I can tell he still cares.

I talked a lot about the type of work I want to focus on and whether or not to go to grad school. It's a big decision. I also talked about the pressure I feel to succeed, having grown up in the fashion and with the parents I did. I had a few tears because the thing is, I never feel good enough.

There's so many things I wish I was better at -- I wish I was more outgoing; smarter; more articulate; better looking; a smaller size; more naturally athletic. I looked around or remember friends growing up and it seems like all these things came so naturally to them, but everything seems like it's so challenging for me. I have to work twice as hard and it's awkward and I just wish it were easier. Sometimes I feel like there's so much pressure to be the best that I'm a failure before I even begin.

What D has always said, and what he said again, and what I need to start repeating to myself until I fully believe it, is that I'm pretty darn awesome as I am. In fact, I'm just the way I should be.

Why does it take an ex to remind me of that?

the same

I somehow managed to stay at 130 over this crazy and stressful and yes, food-crazy work weekend.

There were many times when I felt full while eating at a restaurant or take-out and I just kept eating. Call it comfort food. I was in a completely new place, in a new hotel, working on a new on-deadline project I had literally just learned about and had done no research on. Throw on top of that my co-worker and I have a strained relationship at best -- we haven't worked together or even really talked for more than a year. And the best way to describe our work styles is different. I need structure and a plan and a back-up plan, which is why the bosses paired me with her. She's a hurricane and very unpredictable.

I'm most thankful we had seperate rooms.

Maybe all the stress and intense focus burns more calories? Because I only worked out once between Friday and Sunday.

They gave me today off, so it's full of cleaning and laundry and organizing and running. Maybe some grocery shopping and cooking too.

Wow. Tired. Exausted. 35 hours of work between Friday and Sunday night.

Way too much eating out and junk food. I did workout once at the hotel gym, though. I felt good about throwing together a workout outfit in the 10 minutes I had to pack.

130. And holding. Hopefully.

four days ....

I cannot go this long without workout out again. Four days and spinning literally kicked my ass. And strength training was hard too. Four days and I'm already loosing what I've worked so hard to gain. If that's not motivation, besides the three guys that checked me out while walking from spin to the weight room, than I don't know what is.

I had a large veggie ques with guac today for lunch. Comfort food. I was with A and we're working on a huge project and we had some soul seaching to do together. She's the last to hear D and I broke up. She thinks she may break up with her man. I asked why she cut me out of her life a year ago. She didn't have a good explanation except that she didn't like what I had to say when she asked my opinion. Water under the bridge. Hopefully. It's either the second beginning of a friendship or I'm going to trust her and she's going to burn me bad. I know the old saying, fool me once ... but this is business, not personal. She has to work with me. And I'm documenting anything sketchy. Cross your fingers.

I'm coming to the somewhat hesitant conclusion that I'm going to need to stay here for the next 3-6 months. This large project is going to last until at least Christmas, but it may help set me apart from the other job candidates I'll be competing with. It's one of those projects where I'm either in or I'm out, and being chosen for being in means I'm one of the best here. I'm top two. And honestly, I'm not going to be able to leave without burning bridges. I'm going to need those bridges.

And lets face it, I want options when I leave. If it I give this project my all -- and spend time self teaching myself some computer stuff -- well, I should have options. And lots of support behind me. At least thats what I'm telling myself right now.

back... down?

130.5. I don't understand how weight works sometimes, but I'll take it. A few more days and actually getting my butt out the door to work out might bring be back below 130.

It's been such a crazy, busy, stressful week. I'm so looking forward to the weekend and the chance to organize myself, cook some meals for the week, clean (yes, I said clean) and just generally get my shit in order.

I'm also going to need the weekend to do some major pep-talking for a tough conversation I want to have with my boss. Everyone I've talked to says I need to do it. So that's it. I just need to do it ... after the weekend.

But before the weekend, I'm going to try something new: Running on my lunch break. I really hate running on the treadmill, but it's now dark when I wake up and when I get home because I live in the crazy far north. And I don't like running when cars can't see me.

So the conclusion I've come to is to run at lunch. Get to work at 8, take lunch from 12-1:30 and stay until 5:30. It should be doable, especially since I'm only looking at doing this twice a week and, at least in the beginning, relegating myself to my neighborhood.

And, I might do some leg strength training after work on these nights. But we'll see. Slow and steady,

Today is spin and weights. Time to pack my gym bag.

four days ....

I gained four pounds in four days.

Grrrr.

How is that even possible? It's so frustrating that it took that short of a time to put on that much weight. It took me four weeks to loose it, and it's back in four days? I slip and four days later I'm back where I started? Seriously!?!

I'm really hoping that it's water weight. And it is that time of the month. My fingers are crossed.

But I need to be honest with myself. I need to reassess the truth: I've been eating major comfort food and seminar carby food and cheesy food and lots of it. And since the 5k Saturday, I haven't really worked out. That's four days of sitting on my ass!

So tomorrow: Spinning and weights.
Friday: Running (2 miles + hill repeat x2) and power yoga.
Saturday: Spinning and weights.
Sunday: Long run.

That should get me back on track! Today's eating was already better than the last few days. Probably 1800 calories:

B: LF yogurt, granola, coffee with soy.
L: Half mock tuna wrap, califlower curry soup from the co-op.
Snack: Dark chocolate (3 pieces), banana.
D: Salad with LF ranch, pasta shells veggie meal, broccoli, LF yogurt with honey.
S: Dark chocolate (3 pieces).

I am ...

I had a really good talk with my dad over dinner today that basically reinforced what I've known but had trouble acknowledging lately. I've felt very lost in the world and have decided to take the rest of the week and let myself settle and remind myself who I am:

I should follow my heart but listen to my gut. I should trust but question when things don't add up. I should follow my dreams and my interests and work hard and be enthusiastic about work. I should give and be grateful when I get in return. I should celebrate my successes and that of others. I should be proud but not brag. I should not wine, ever. I should believe in myself, look out for myself and be the best self I can be. I should never compromise my standards or beliefs. I should set expectations. I should not settle and I should not be afraid of waiting. I should do all of these things, most intuitively, because I have character. It's in my blood.

worth it

I've been eating a lot of comfort food Sunday and Monday, and while I haven't weighed myself I know that I'm probably back up a pound or two! Which is frustrating because I just reached 129.5. All that work and I'm throwing it away because of my damn emotions and insecurities.

I know it has to do with the breakup and the uncertainty of my future. (Should I apply for another job? Will I ever find the right guy?) And then going to a conference where I was out of my element and surrounded by carby goodness. I feel fat and ugly and dumb and it's just ridiculous. Lets just say my usual strategies didn't work and I caved. A scone after breakfast, two cookies for snack, lets not even go into my cheese-induced dinner craziness. My tummy hurts this morning.

I have to remember that I am worth eating well and working out for. I am worth it and I need to remake that commitment today. And it's time to try a new strategy -- I'm buying mints and popping those each and every time today I want to eat a free goody. And I'm packing fruit.

It's only been two days and I can easily get back on track. I can do this. I am worth it.

I'm starting to grieve the loss of D's and my relationship. Two years and it's really over. I don't think it's fully set in. It's over. And I'm alone and single. And it's over.

It's official, although I've said that before. D and I are broken up. There are so many reasons, so many factors. It fell apart. And bottom line, he wasn't there for me when I needed him. If he truely loved me, he would have been.

one more down

I clocked in at 129.5 this morning, which surprised me but upon further review makes sense. Yes, I had a cheesy-filled dinner and a hearty lunch yesterday. But I also ran a KICK-ASS 5k and have been eating relatively sane for the last few days. I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to weigh in.

I wonder how much of that one pound weighloss (down 2.5 pounds so far!) has to do with stress? The stress of having to make some tough decisions and innitiating some tough conversations with the people I care about deeply.

The conversations scare me and kept me from falling asleep last night. I'm not very good with these things, standing up to family or explaining my concerns or asking for advice or the dreaded asking for help from my now-employer to either find a job or get into grad school. Even though I know he's helped others, and have said so to me.

Just remember: One day at a time. One day.

woohooo pr

What an amazing morning. Mom was up from Arizona this week and we ran a 5K and both of us set personal records! I ran it in 31:04, exactly a 10 minute mile pace. Exactly. Which I am so excited about! We talked a lot about our next 5ks and the half marathon this spring. I helped her map out a training plan. I just love thinking about running. I love getting better at it even more. What an awesome and democratic sport.

taking chances

I think I'm back down to 130.5, although it's hard to tell. My scale isn't exactly the easiest to read -- but I have to remember I bought it that way. I don't want to obsess over the decimal when I'm maintaining.

I went to spin today but failed to do arm strength because my gym buddy is moving away! I've only known her a few months but it was nice having a friendly face at the gym and a non-work friend to hang out with occasionally. We went out for burritos after class and talked about life and moving forward and taking chances. I'm very excited about her new job! And it has me thinking about my job search.

I haven't been taking any risks and I haven't applied to companies that know my work. Which sounds silly, but I'm almost scared of scoring an interview and landing a job because, well, everything. would. change.

I'm going to think about this for a few days. I need to find a way around my hesitation.

back up

I'm back up at 131. This is somewhat expected, and I'm glad I didn't go higher, given the food I ate over the weekend and the two pb&js I had yesterday for dinner. Yes, two. I was seeking comfort food for a very legit reason!

It's time to get back on track, though.

I bought some microwavable dinners for this week, I'm just not feeling up to cooking a lot. There's so much to do and fit in. Thursday I go talk to the masters program people and Friday night mom's coming up so we can run Saturday's 5k. I'll be sad when she flies back south.

Here's my plan this week:

Tonight is spinning and strength training.
Tomorrow is a hardish 2 mile run.
Thursday is either the eliptical or an easyish 2 mile run.
Friday is rest.
Saturday is the 5k.

I broke up with D today. Again. He asked if this was working and I said no, it's not. It was probably the third or fourth time he's asked me that since we got back together. For some reason this is all via text message and phone -- every time we talk like this in person neither of us can let go. It's time to let go, though. In my heart I know it's time.

For some reason, I feel releaved. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to work so hard at us anymore, and feel like the only one that's fighting. I know he's fighting, but it feels half hearted. I don't feel like I'm a priority, or even make the top five. I understood more when he was preparing or on his deployment. But now -- well, now I feel it's a choice and each time he changes plans it hurts. I feel like I can't count on him anymore.

I can't be there to support him anymore. It's making me miserable because he's not there to support me.

And it's time I start looking out for me.

I am a runner (not a jogger)

(My own version of Runner's World penguin column. I may not be fast, I may actually be relatively slow, but I am still a runner.)

I am a runner because I train and I improve, although gradually. I have a plan, a calendar and a log.

I am a runner because everything else I do -- spin, swim, eliptical, yoga, weight lifting, core work -- is cross training. And nothing else is quite as satisfying.

I am a runner because I race. Not to win, but against myself. I sign up and get a bib number and I run to beat my own time, to PR. (And to get the t-shirt)

I am a runner because I am no wimp. I run in all kinds of crazy north-midwestern weather. Rain, snow, hail. When it reached -30 below windchill and my car wouldn't start, I braved frostbite to get to the apartment gym and get on a treadmill.

I am a runner because I have gear. And gu. And shoes. And retired running shoes.

I am a runner because I think about my food, well some of my food, as fuel.

I am a runner because I have tested and broken my limit. I have been sidelined by injury. I have hurt my feet, my IT band, felt soreness is shins and hamstrings. I am learning to embrace those limits and listen to them.

I am a runner because I can't help but talk about running to friends, family and coworkers. And I sometimes talk other people into running or training with me.

I am a runner because I have never feel quite as alive as I do on the trail, running through the woods, crunching fallen leaves, listening to the rush of the river and the rythem of my breath.

I am a runner because I can be. I want to be.

the weekend

Well, the day after tomorrow test worked. I'm still holding at 130.5. I've been eating very sensible, home cooked meals that are well balanced. Even my take-out yesterday at lunch was healthy -- I orded sushi. Thats it's, just sushi.

This weekend will be a challenge to maintain that, though. I've been invited out to dinner with D's family on Friday, dinner with my family on Saturday, drinks with my brothers on Saturday night and brunch on Sunday. Everything that I have going on, minus spin on Saturday morning and a long(ish) run on Sunday, has to do with food!

But, I am so excited to see family. So hopefully I can concentrate on the relationships instead of what's on my dinner plate. I'll have to think of a better strategy than that, of course.

I didn't fall asleep until way past midnight, late for my normal 10 pmer time. I was tired, sad, cried a little, D was unavailable via phone, got up, watched some Scrubs reruns and finally fell asleep. Something's going on in my head and I need to fix it.

knock on wood

I lost a pound (130.5 and crossing my fingers) today and was on goal with diet and exercise. This whole write everything down and eat less seems to be working since I've lost 1.5 pounds so far. The sheer simplicity astonishes me. But the true test will come the day after tomorrow. If this is a maintainable approach. If I keep the weight off or even loose a little more.

My shins feel kind of tight right now, which is odd because I never have problems with my shins. I did 30 minutes eliptical and my core and arm workout. I debated in my head if I should go run, since it was a beeeautiful fall evening but I knew, deep down, that I cannot run and weight train on the same day. It's just that I cannot get my butt to the gym after I've been let free on the wooded trails. The gym is just too confining!

Work was blah. I've overwhelmed in the I'm-pretty-sure-no-I'm-nearly-certain-that-I-don't-want-to-be-here kind of way. There's all this work and small projects and large projects and online projects and pressure, oh the pressure! It wouldn't be quite so much pressure if someone had their act together earlier, but no. That wouldn't be right.

It's not that I can't do it. I can. I've proven I can. I've won awards, including the mvp award last year. I just don't think I want to anymore -- in the not-wanting-to sense that it's hard to completely give something up after dreaming of it since the ripe age of 13.

On another completely random note, this month's Runners World has my all-time favorite penguin column. It's a list about why he, a non-faster runner, the premier waddler, is in fact a runner. Tune in later because my list of why I'm a runner, not a jogger, is coming soon.

the one mile race

Woosh!

I won SECOND place! The number two female runner!

Not only did I make my reasonable goal of sub-10, but I ran a sub-9 minute mile. I finished in 8:59.

And I have a $25 gift certificate and a metal to show for it.

(So what if there were only two female runners? For the first time, ever, I PLACED!)

Oh, and I didn't come in last. Because my boss, the crazy marathon runner that organized this whole thing? He ran with me and made sure I wasn't last. :-)

one mile

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's one mile race. Yes, it's only a mile. Yes, I can finish. But the pre-race butterflies are here.

I set a very reasonable goal of a sub-10 minute mile. It's still a push since I've been running 11 minute and 12 minute miles. I would like sub-9 and would really, really like sub-8. With my knees acting up and my feet still recoving, through, sub-10 is a good goal. It's a nice, healthy, reasonable, how-can-I-fail goal that is also an injury-free goal.

I like goals like that! So why am I nervous? Here's the catch. The catch I failed to think about, or factor in, or even acknowledge until today.

It's a work function. My boss is a crazy marathoner and he put this one mile run together to race money for the United Way. He's coached me through the half marathon last spring and the injury this summer. So when he asked, how could I say no?

So here's the big question (oh, the irony is killing me!)

What do I wear?

Should I show up in my normal running gear, my teeny-tiny running shorts and tank top? In front of people who will determine my next raise? And some of the public officials (ahem mayors) I have to deal with each day?

Am I crazy?

diet

I've been thinking about my diet tonight, and it's time to rethink the strategy. There's simply no reason I should be working out five days a week for 30 mintues to an hour and not loosing weight.

Except if I'm eating to compensate. Which is what I am -- I'm still doing what I did this spring when I trained for the half marathon. But the thing is, I'm not running 10 miles each weekend like I was then. That's 1,000 extra calories I got to add to my week that I simply shouldn't be adding.

Which is why these five pounds I've gained since running the race (hello!) put themselves on my tummy and thighs and are simply not budging.

Of course, I could just start working out like a maniac. But if this weekend is any indication, I might overtrain and be sidelined. I've only been back at this regular five a week schedule for 6 weeks now. I need to maintain my workout intensity before I increase it more. No more injuries. That's my goal.

I searched the apartment today for my old weight watchers books circa 2002. Whenever I went back on plan, counted my points, wrote everything down, I lost weight. Never reached goal but I've lost. The books, which used to live in my kitchen drawer, well, they've vanished. Vanished!

My solution is simple, mostly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new ones (they're expensive online!) I'm going to borrow my mom's old ones when I go home next weekend, but until then here are my goals:

1. Write everything down that I eat.
2. Eat pre-portioned meals that are well balanced with veggies, protein and mostly non-refined carbs.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
4. One small treat a day.
5. Write EVERYTHING down. Everything.

PS I went to touch football. It was fun and I started breathing heavily, until my teammates and I were attacked by a swarming army of knats. So 20 minutes of walking and occasionally splint, how many points does that burn? We went back to a friends apartment to play a game, where I successfully avoided the cupcakes. One girl ate three, but I ate NONE! One small victory for my waist line.

Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.

football

My knees and feet are still sore this morning, so I'm changing my normal weekend workout sessions.

(Oh, and by the way, I'm around 131 - half a pound!)

Friday: Eliptical plus arm/back strength.
Saturday: Long run (about 3 miles) plus power yoga.
Sunday: Touch football. Yes, football.

No, I don't really know how to play. Yes, I know there have been some serious injuries sometimes involving surgery on this team in the last few years. But I have officially been talked out of my two-year hiatus from the sport. And I'm stronger and more aware of my body than ever before.

It's time to make a change.

I'm making a comeback.

risk

I was originally going to write about my new strategy of rewarding myself for working out.

After getting back from my run, I thought about writing about my feet and my knee. My IT bands were acting up, which hasn't been an issue for almost six months.

Then I thought about writing about chocolate. I wasn't able to pass up the mm cookies but could easily pass up the cake today at work.

But the thing is, none of these really matter. Because I came to a realization tonight. A realization that streches across many aspects of my life.

I. am. afraid.

of.

risk.

Yes, risk. I'm scared to leave the job I'm unhappy am, because I'm afraid of my next move. Of taking a risk.

I'm scared about moving to a different state. I'm scared about not liking a new company or new coworkers. I'm scared I'll regret not going to grad school, or going to grad school for the wrong thing. I'm scared about giving up the career I've dreamed of since I was 13. But I'm scared that not pursuing a new career will leave me in the dust.

I'm scared about leaving D, even though I'm questioning what we're doing. I'm scared of wishing we stayed together.

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

But I'm also scared of not moving forward.

POWER yoga!

Well, I'm still at or about 132 lbs. It's hard to not get disappointed, but at the same time I had chocolate in the afternoon and lots of granola after dinner. When the math is said and done, it's still too high.

It started thundering right when I got off of work yesterday, and so my window to run (between 6 and 7, when the sun sets) was squashed. Instead I did 30 minutes of "power yoga," where you do sun salutations between every other set.

It got my heat rate up slightly and I was breathing pretty heavy. But the stretching -- especially the downward dog -- was amazing. Today my legs feel loose and relieved. They feel like they're ready for a good run tonight.

It was hard to get started with yoga, but I made a 30 minute playlist and got into it at the end. It was very calming and relaxing, and makes me wonder if I should add it to my routine on my "rest" days. Or maybe after a run or something.

So, while the scale didn't move there is a small victory here. Instead of sitting on the couch (although I did that later) when the rain ruined my run, I did 30 minutes of yoga. I was motivated.

And that's something,

stress relief

Yesterday was a good eating/workout out day. I ate sensibly, despite having an emotional rollercoaster ride at work that involved tears. Many tears.

Spinning came as a welcome relief. It was one of those days that I just needed to sweat all the stress out of me, and it worked. Besides maintaining a healthy weight and being strong, the stress-release of my running and biking routine is a huge reason why I get through the excuses and do it.

Eating went well too, I think I had a net total of 1500-1600 after I subtract my hour workout of cardio and weights.

I'm getting the hang of my arm workout routine, and brought my book. It actually really helped (although I felt subconcious toting a journal around) because I could see what weight I was at before and how many reps. I also marked where I thought I could move up next time. I always forget these things, so it's really helpful. I hope it keeps me on track.

Well, today is a fun day. I haven't decided if I'll run at the gym (and do the 1.5 mile time test) or if I'll go outside on the trail. I'm leaning toward outside, since in a week I'll be running a 1 mile race and can use that time as a gauge.

If I run on the trail, it will be between 22-24 minutes, and I'll do yoga OR a lower body workout. Definately a more defined core workout than I do at the gym.

So yes! I'm feeling good so far today. Despite all the tears at work yesterday, I'm hoping the situation improves so at least work is tolerable.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.

mantra

Repeat after me:

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight: Spinning, core, arm/back strength.

no running

No running today.

And I fell off my healthy diet by eating grilled cheese, tomato soup (from a can), coleslaw and ice cream for dinner.

BUT.

I laughed. And talked. And had a really good time with coworkers.

And we didn't talk about relationships once.

And I laughed even more.

it.was.awesome.

a step forward

Well, I still don't like my job. But I took a step forward yesterday and applied for a magazine job. So cross your fingers for me!

I'm still a tad sore from yesterday's "long" run and yoga, and the nearly-twisted ankle is still sore but luckily walkable.

I'm still considering doing my "fitness test" today. My bag's all packed to go to the gym tonight. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. A blah mood. Blah blah blah.

run + yoga

Today's run started off weakly but ended strongly.

I went to the quarry and tried to keep my heartratein the 170s, which was hard. It kept creaping up to the 180s and above! I walked a few times, which helped. This was suppose to be an "easy long run." My first "long run" since getting back out there.

Well, I definately walked after I slipped on one of the boulders along the bike trail and skinned by hip! Thank goodness I didn't sprain my ankle -- but it does make me wonder if I should suck it up and order some trail running shoes.

Anyway, I walked for a few minutes but did 35 overall -- so, at or about 3 miles. I feel really good about that. It's the first time I've gone that far, and I did end really strong. My feet felt fine at the end. I was tempted to push it farther, but no. I know better. I should hang out at 35 minutes for at least a week or two or three before I push it to 45 minutes.

When I got home, I did the "power yoga" routine in the book I bought. I didn't follow the routine exactly, so it took me about 15 minutes intead of 20 to 30 minutes. But for a first attempt, I liked it. I was really, really sweaty too!

The best part was I put on my own music instead of the sappy new-age stuff they play at the gym. I moved through the moves faster, too. Between 8 and 16 counts per step. It'll get longer with practice, though. I have no worries of that.

But overall, I can see myself doing a yoga routine 1-2 times a week after a run. I think it might be a good way to build some overall strength at home.

lost

Well, between yesterday and today I read a whole book. It was nice, but now I'm still in relaxing mode.

I also have a slight headache and my tummy hurts.

And yes, I'm suppose to run this afternoon. It's beautiful -- seriously, a rare northern fall day -- so I know I'll get my feet in gear soon and go. I'm thinking about taking it slow and going for a 30 minuter. We'll see.

Mostly, I'm slightly sad I don't have any plans today besides running and cleaning, which of course I do really need to do. D and I had talked about going for a walk with the pups, but it's nearly one and he's not answering his phone. So it sounds like that's not happening, which I'm trying not to get to down on. I'm trying.

I can also feel the tension building up inside me. It's almost Monday and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to making myself happier in my career. One more week of pushing it out, really, the daily grind.

I feel so lost right now.

by the numbers

This evening I totally thought I blew my calories today, but I didn't really blow it. Not even close to blowing it.

Which could mean a few things. Especially since, at nearly 10 p.m. tonight, I'm still quite full.

1. I'm making healthier, less-caloric choices.
2. I'm eating smaller portions.
3. I'm workout out like a maniac.
4. I should never have won that math award in college.

I added them up on my practice sheet, and after subtracting out some workout calories I'm just slightly above my goal of between 1600-1700 calories.

B: Yogurt, banana. (300)
L: Two eggs, ww bagel with LF cream cheese, 1/4 cup red potatoes, coffee with soy milk. (600)
S: 1/2 ww bagel with hummus, diet coke; nachoes, WW fudge bar; 1/2 bagel with cream cheese. (800)
D: Baked tofu, broccoli, 1/2 acorn squash, 2 WW fudge bars. (600)

Workout: Spinning (35 minutes), core and arm weights. (500)

2200 - 500 = 1800.

Amazing.

And I'm full.

spinning

Well, I got up and did it this morning - I went to spinning and, despite having trouble giving it my all, finished and went on to do some (wimpy) core work but some hard-core arm strengthening too.

I left about 8:40 and was home by about 10:20 -- An hour and a half. I feel good about that!

And I can tell, even though I haven't been weighing myself the last few days. My tight capris are a little less tight this morning. And I'm feeling better overall and craving healthy food.

So, it was probably a 4 out of 5 workout on the scale of toughness. However, when I did it last week it was 5 out of 5 -- and I slept for four hours afterward!

today

Well, no stressed out, work-enduced tears today, thank goodness!

Although there were a few work moments (like when I was asked by a job candidate what the MORALE was like and if I planned to STAY here!) that I had to bite my tounge. I need to sort some inner stuff out before I start spreading rumors to shoot my own foot.

And really, today wasn't so horrible. Not good, but not horrible. 'Nough said. On to better topics: RUNNING!

Today -- Fartlek at the Beaver Island Trail. Total was 24 minutes, I ran for more than 2 miles, did 30 second intervals, it was all good. Except at the end, when my right. foot. kept. hurrrting.

Why???

I did have fun today filling out a practice log for my new log book. Yes, I'm like that. I made a copy this morning and walked around with it (in my defense, the log starts on a Monday and today's Friday!) and I like it. I think I ate about 1750 calories, so I'm actually under my goal by about 50 calories ... (hmmm.... a dangerous realization.... )

goals

Well, I'm back up between 131 and 132. Pizza Wednesday and crap yesterday, I suppose. Plus I didn't do anything workout-related yesterday. It was raining. And I was sad. So there.

BUT! I did do something (actually two things) that are good: As D and I were sitting in the Cub Foods parking lot debating whether to go get icecream, we instead decided to forgo the treat and go to Barnes and Noble, where I bought two strength training books.

One is Shape's ultimate body workout, or something, and it has tons of full-body and target workouts to do, both at home and at the gym.

The other is a workout training log with space for cardio, nutrition, strength and reps, yoga, and other stuff.

My favorate part of both? The goals section.

The book has a "strength test" that I'm doing to do this weekend -- basically, how fast can you run a mile, how many kneed pushups can you do, sit up, and squats. Then, every three months or so, you can retest yourself.

The log has a similar goal section -- long-term, monthly, weekly goals. And I think I really need to set and visualize some goals.

So yes, I'm excited!

so far

So far, so good...

B: 1 cup LF yogurt, banana, coffee with soy milk. (400)
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, chic pea pattie, brocolli and salsa (450)
S: granola, chocolate (300)
Total so far (1150)


Tonight -- salad, pasta and running.

end of the week

I'm hovering just between 130 and 131, which means progress is being made (and Monday's carb fest wasn't a complete derailment).

I want to be 130 by the end of the week, but I also know that setting such time pegs can be as derailing as a carb fest. I don't want to be upset when I don't make it.

But, I also want to make it. If I stick to plan (about 1600 net calories a day) I should get there.

Today is a run day, although I may throw some core work in there as well. I'll be heading over to the BI Trail, lets hope the rain lets up! (And yes, this means getting my brand new shoes muddy ... I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad)

20 extra minutes

I timed my strength workout today.

6 minutes: core.
13 minutes: arms and back.

So for about 20 extra minutes, I got a strength workout in. I can do that, definately, on top of spinning twice a week.

That means I worked out for an hour today!

Eating was also on plan:

Breakfast: LF yogurt, banana and coffee. (400)
Lunch: Soup and half cheese sandwich and chocolate. (700)
Snack: Apple and calorie granola bar. (200)
After workout snack: tofu smoothy. (150)
Dinner: 1 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup quinoa, a chic pea pattie and 1 cup broccoli. (600)

Total: 2100
Calories burned: 400 spinning and 50 weight training.
Which means: I'm ending the day at 1,650, right about where I want to be.

one step at a time.

I had bad a eating day yesterday, mostly set off by a frustrating day at work. Way too much carbs and cheese, basically. Way too much. And no running.

I can do this, get back on plan, get down below 130 again. (I was at 131 this morning, so I'm still down a pound.) And I can get a new job and really decide to tie into grad school.

But it'll take one step at a time:

My goal is really one pound a week, which would put me at goal around mid-December. Boy, it would be awesome starting a new year at goal -- and have a new job to boot!

Today to get a new job: I finished two applications yesterday, so mailing them I will today. Also, I'm going to burn some more DVDs.

Today to get to grad school: Print off check list, study GRE for 30 minutes.

Today to loose weight: Eat healthy, lots of veggies (b: yogurt, banana and strawberries; l: potatoes, chic pea and steams broccoli, salad; s: tbd; d: tofu smoothy). Spin at 5:30 p.m. (and if I don't make it, the eliptical); core and arm weights.

tired

I am tired.

Not sore, just tired. I woke up from a two hour nap and I'm still exausted!

Granted, D and I did go for a two mile walk with the puppies. It was so much fun! :-) We have plans to do it again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, I have plans to do a two mile easy run, some core work and then lots and lots of chores.

Oh, and I need to finish two job aps. Might as well try and put the word out there!

a great way to start the day

I went to spinning today!

Then I stuck with my goal of 5 minutes core work AND strength work on my arms and back. It took maybe an extra 20 minutes to do these two things, which puts working out at about an hour today.

I've been reading a lot about how strength training will (hopefully!) boost my metabolism and help me loose these 11 pounds (yep, I was back down at 131 this morning). I'm also hoping it will keep me injury-free, as this summer was really a wake-up call in that department.

My whole body is tired, but not sore, which I think is a good sign. :-)

blah

Well, the cookies and last night's crap caught up with me: slightly below 132 this morning.

I had another breakdown last night about my job, and it just so happened D called then and I cried to him for about an hour.

As hard as it is to admit it, it's time to expand my horizons.

It's even harder to admit I'm not happy there. It's like I'm failing in the emotions department, even though I know it's not true. the work dynamic and structure has changed. I've grown and apparently, it's making at least one supervisor resentful (and, while I won't go into details, she has bottled that up for a year and it's bursting now. Very mature way to handle personnel things on a supervisors part).

Blah.

four notes

Note one --
No spin today, the class was canceled. I did do 30 minutes on the eliptical and 5 minutes core work.

Note two --
I ate healthy all the way to dinner. When I got home at 7 p.m., it surprised me how hungry I was. I ate my way through a pita and hummus and cheese, a wrap with avocado, and a quesidalla and soy milk.

Note three --
An article at the gym caught my eye, it was about grazing. You know, small breakfast, snack, smallish lunch, snack, dinner, snack. When I first lost all this weight, that's what I was doing. I actually find that's what I'm doing now -- and it's something I may go back to.

Note four --
I talked to my editor again, but I'm still not happy. I just don't feel like I fit into the office anymore.
I want to stick around and see what happens, but I'm just not sure I can.

good vs. bad news

I did my two miles yesterday, with some speed work, even after I ate two cookies in the afternoon.

What can I say? I was weak.

But in good news, the scale is still showing just a smidge over 130, so there's still progress.

On the not-so-good news, I may have overextended my right foot. During the end-of-run walk I started limping slightly. So I iced it last night, iced it again this morning and will take a few days off from running. My goal is three days a week anyway, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to wait until Sunday.

Oh, and I WILL go get new running shoes before my next run. That just may be part of the problem.

Tonight: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Friday: Eliptical?
Saturday: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Sunday: A slow, easy run. 25-30 minutes, depending on how my foot feels.

Oh, and my weight is hovering just above 130 -- yay! I can't tell if I'm maintaining at 131 or if I lost a half a pound.

But either way, it's a good feeling! :-)

the life

Well, I didn't run or spin yesterday. Got out of work at 7, ate dinner, talked on the phone with some long-distance friends and went to bed. Yep, that's it.

It wasn't that I was too tired to run -- I just didn't want to. I would have rather took spinning class, but I missed it by a mile. Work stinks like that some times, there's no set schedule. There's no ability to plan my evenings in a routine way.

- Today will be a long work day. I plan on running tonight at the trail, but we'll see.

- Tomorrow promises to be a little better. I should make it to spinning.

- Friday is a toss up, but running or eliptical is planned.

- Saturday morning's spinning should be doable.

- Sunday is either a rest day or a run day, depending on today and Friday.

The plan is to run no more than three days a week, mostly because I want to ease into running and let my feet fully heal before I pound the pavement. One day will be a speed workout (fartlek) and another will be a long run (one I work up to that).

The other plan is to hit spinning twice a week, either Tuesdays or Thursdays and Saturdays. The weekend always seems doable, although twice mid-week is often a stretch.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get by. Trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to be and start living the life I want.

to run or to spin?

I'm torn today between going to a timed 2 miler at 5:30, spinning at 5:30, or blowing them both and running on a trail a bit later. The spinning is a longer, harder workout. But it would be nice to know my time at 2 miles, and it would be nice to run peacefully on a trail.

With my work schedule and the hecticness that is my job, I don't know if I can get out at 5 p.m. There's no guarantee, although often I can make it stick. I'm also nervous because I want to limit myself to running 3 times a week, and I'm still iffy about going two days in a row, which means of course that if I run today I shouldn't run again until Friday. Bah.

I ran yesterday on the Mississippi trail, the dirt one between the paved one and the river. I loved it! My iPod was dead, but no matter. The trail, the trees, the chipmunks, the river, the beauty of it all -- mixed with the rythem of my breathe -- was all I needed.

In other news, I think I know what I want to do career-wise. There's a related health graduate program that I can take that could set me up to do some public health communications work, something that is dear to my heart. I bounced it off a friend last night and he thought it sounded like a good fit. I'll see what my mom thinks tonight.

one pound down, 11 to go!

Some bits of news to report:

I lost one pound (!!!) A few days of somewhat healthy eating and exercising hard (run, spin, run, spin, ah!) really paid off. My goal is to be 125 (via the doctors scale) which is 120 at my scale. So, 11 pounds to go! (Secretly I would love to be 120 at the doctor's scale but I just don't know if that's doable. So. 125 it is!)

I'm seriously thinking about a health/science writing career. There are a few graduate programs out there and it seems to fit better than anything else I've stumbled upon, considering I've always been drawn to health stories (well, preventative health stories) and have always been curious with the theory of the world. More on that later.

D and I, are, well, dating? I'm not really sure to be honest because we haven't talked about it. I don't think things have fully changed -- I don't think he's ready to commit, I feel like he's still working on himself. But I do know am in the process of changing and taking more control of my life -- I want to go out and do my own thing, find a career that fits, exercise, eat healthy, etc. etc.

Saturday

The very good: I went to spinning and didn't die and did 7 minutes of abs.

The good: I bought another workout tank top that will make me look cute (and feel so athletic!)

The pretty good: I hung out with D at the parks with his pups.

The somewhat pretty good: I went out and had drinks and lots of fun with a bunch of friends.

The somewhat good: I ate healthy, healthy food all day -- just a little too much of it.

The somewhat less good: I went out for drinks and had 2.5 beers (yes, I'm a lightweight).



The somewhat confusing: D showed up at the bar to say hi, which I didn't expect at all. He's coming over for lunch today...

la vie

Well, meeting D last night was fine. We decided to be friends (but he said he would not date others) and I kind of set the ground rules.

We're meeting in the middle, period. (None of this lazy-ass shit that happened a few weeks before we broke up). We're planning when, where and what time before. Hugging is okay, I'm not ready for kissing (He tried that last night, although I think part of it was just because he always did that at goodbye). We're not going to talk every day, and hanging out will be limitted each week.

It's what I'm comfortable with right now. Besides, we both have things to work on.

I want to focus on my career, find my next move and really focus on getting fit again.

He quit drinking and chewing, wants to get healthy and focus on school.

What happens down the road, happens. But I feel more free to pursue my life and happy because of that. So I think we made the right decision. Weird, huh? C'est la vie.

a plan

My legs are sore, I was sweating buckets, but I did it. I survived the sping class. Plus 5 minutes of core.

Tomorrow: Run (20 minutes) plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run (20-25? minutes) plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday: Run 2 miles plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday run plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing.
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Long(er) run plus strength.

And the cycle continues..

giving away

Arizona was amazing ... I really didn't want to leave to come back to my life. I wanted to stay, hang out with my ever-loving mom and basically hike and hang out by the pool each day.

But, sigh, I'm back to reality.

Which means two things:

1. D wants to meet and I think try our relationship again. I am willing to date -- casually -- but not the whole seroius, dramatic thing that we had. I keep thinking I gave and gave and gave and at the end, I was giving away things I needed. Things that were important to me.

Which leads me to:

2. I'm back on my healthy eating plan and workout circuit. Today is core and spinning, tomorrow is weights and a 20 minute one at the quarry. Even though I pigged out in AZ and during the last week or two, I've been working out like a maniac. And it feels good and I feel strong -- something that I felt I got away from at the end with D.

And to:

3. Finding my own personal career path. I feel like I am a story teller -- it's which form and where that gets me. I would love to publish some childrens books. I would like to do more digging with newspapers. I would love to explore working on a novel. All of these things feels more me than anything else I can imagine (except, maybe, teaching writing/journalism at a college level.) And this is something I almost gave away with D.

So there you go. I'm keeping these things. And it means time and probably moving away at sometime (hopefully) in the (near) future.

one step at a time.

I got to thinking today about how much more relaxed and less anxious I am since D and I broke up.

Granted, my life still feels out of wack and without control (it may be my crazy eating; healthy one meal, horrible junk for snack in bretween), but it's a lot less than before.

Which reinforces that we made the right decision.

I am not responsible for his happiness, his financial woes, his lost attitude, his broken family, his drinking issues. I no longer need to take my time and energy to support his box of troubles.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Today I drive home and tomorrow I'm off to Arizona to visit my sister! Lots of hiking, swiming, exercising, shopping and generally relaxing is planned. I'm also bringing down a magazine sheet of strength moves, which I'm going to start doing 2-3 times a week. I have a plan that I'll explain in another post.

I'm also planning that this will be the first day of my "eat well and healthfully" life. I've allowed the pity eating to go on too long and now I woke up with a stomache ache.

And finally, I'll leave with this quote:

"You are one step closer to meeting the one you were meant to be with."

alone ...

I had one of those weird days yesterday where I was craving friendship and laughter but couldn't actually bring myself to participate.

D texted me -- again -- after I told him not to the previous night. I know he wants to stay friends but I just need some time and some space to be alone with the world.

And that's where I am right now. I just want to be alone, doing my own thing, making plans for the future. I think word of our breakup has spread around the office, since my supervisor said to me: "We hope you stay with us in the future, instead of going somewhere else."

To be honest, I don't know what I want yet. Except that I want to live somewhere beautiful and outdoorsy, that's big enough not to get boring, and I want to move into a place a get a dog. Which, of course, requires a little bit more money than I'm earning now.

Anyway, today's a rest day but I think I'm going to do some strength training. I need to add that in.

I've had a very successful exercise week, if not eating week: Sunday I ran a mile; Monday was kickboxing; Tuesday was spinning; yesterday was running 1.5 miles. (My foot hurt at the end so I didn't push it to 20 minutes like I wanted to).

getting back

I feel a lot better today. I feel like I finally have a grasp on the last few weeks that's full of perspective instead of emotion. That makes a difference.

In the last two weeks I've done well at getting my butt to the gym and running (although I'm only at a mile right now).

However, my weight is at 132 -- my high point usually after Christmas!

I've been eating a lot of salty foods -- sushi, frozen one-serving pizza, canned soup, cheese. Of course, that's better than the cookies and ice cream the week before, but still. (On a good note, I did pass up the donuts yesterday at the meeting).

Time to get back to my regular eating patterns, which are full of veggies and fruits and little salt or processed foods.

a good friend

It is a good friend who can remind you just how unhappy you were before the breakup.

How you were frustrated and felt taken for granted or under appreciated or not supported before all this shit hit the fan. How you kept sayings, things will get better when x, y or z happens. But those things came and went and there was just more frustration.

How you wanted to change jobs and leave this place so bad before the break up that you were willing to apply to anything that looked decent, even if it meant leaving a career you've worked your whole life for and wanted since you were 13, and how your urgency has changed since the break up to not being urgent at all.

And how it might not be the job or the career or the place that you wanted to leave in the first place.

A very, very good friend indeed.

Spinning made me feel better. I sweated more than I have sweated in a long time.

I'm still horribly sad though.

I don't think I've ever been this sad before.

This is going to take time.

I am so amazingly undeniably unwaveringly sad.

sigh ...

Yesterday was the first day of what will be a series of days, weeks then months and years (sigh) of me not speaking to Derek.

Okay, that may seem dramatic. The hope is to stay friends, posisbly even reconnect when the timing is better and all. But if I'm going to move forward I need to commit myself to what's best for me and right now, that's moving forward without him.

Sigh.

It was hard. No phone call at lunchtime. No afternoon text message. No goodnight before bed. I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep. That goodnight has always brought me comfort, and now it's gone.

I fell asleep to the thought of asking him to meet up in a few weeks to walk the dogs at the quarry. I thought that would be a nice, neutral environment to just hang out as friends and to see the dogs. I haven't quite decided if it's a good idea yet or not, though.

Sigh.

On more positive notes:

* I did kickboxing last night and didn't die as much as last week. C was there, which was fun. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I met her.

* I wore my cute gym outfit to the gym and this guy held the door -- even though I was quite a bit away -- for me. Because I was cute! Yay!

i believe

Well, it's official official. D and I are parting ways.

We had a long talk -- again -- last night, with many tears, and while there was a brief moment of hope when we talked about getting back together I knew, deep down, that it was not to last. I knew that if we were to get together, we would be re-evaluating it in three to six months. Which is so hard to admit.

I feel like we love eachother very much and that we could make a great couple. But we need different things right now. The timing of our lives are so far out of wack that there's no way to meet in the middle.

He needs to regain control of his life - deal with the foreclosure, drinking, military, family bullshit and all the other baggage -- and as much as I want to I cannot be there to hold his hand. Because I need someone who will be there for me as I decide what I want to do in life. I need someone who can meet in the middle and make a commitment and make a decision to be with me.

But he is so wrapped up in regaining control in his life that he cannot spare the support that I need.

And so, we're letting eachother go.

I believe that we both hope that eventually, we'll come back together once the timing and life is better for it. I think we both believe that our story together is not quite done.

But I also cannot base my life on a belief that may or may not be true.

And so, I need to let him -- and all the dreams I had for us together -- go.

I need to let him go. For me.