a brave thing ...

I did a brave thing today.

I signed myself up to run in a group. With other people. On Saturday. For five fricken' miles. And my feet are still sore.

But I did it. I signed up. And I'm going to baby my feet tomorrow and hit it bright and early Saturday morning.

I'm a little scared. I'm a lot nervous. I'm wondering if my feet will survive and if I'll humiliate myself by not being able to keep up or even finish.

But. I did it. And I'm going. It's all part of the picking-myself-up-and-putting-myself-back-together plan. Take risks, even though you may fail. Extend yourself and meet new people, even though they may not like you.

It'll be okay, right!? It's all part of the plan!

skipped the bar

I skipped the bar last night, slept in a bit, went for a two mile run, cleaned the kitchen and am now icing more feet. Icing the feet is a bad sign, it means they hurt after only running two miles (in 20 minutes, by the way!). I doubled up on socks today and it helped with the heel slipping a bit. I ordered a new pair of my old running shoes online so maybe that's the answer, not these fancy shoes I was talked into buying.

I skipped the bar last night for a number of reasons. I was tired, I wanted to run this morning, but also because I questioned the way I was invited. I know, I'm over analyzing a perfectly good drinking invite... the thing is, I'm not a big drinker. I would much rather play a game or do something outside or go out to dinner than sit around a bar and drink. Drinking for the sake of drinking makes me nervous -- and I hate how it makes me feel the next day. Don't get me wrong, I do like a glass of wine with dinner or a beer on a hot day. I just haven't made friends here (well, I have but they moved away ...) that view drinking for the sake of drinking the same way and I don't want to get sucked into a scene that I'm not comfortable with.

Blah.

Weight: 130
Run: 2 miles up the hill to the watertower, 20 minutes
Feet: My heels hurt :(

nature

I ran for the first time in a week, along a dirt trail along the Mississippi with amazing views of the water. It's only a mile long and so I did some sprints along the paved trail, which has no good views, but it connects and provides that additional mile to bring my total up to 3 plus today.

I love that trail, it's one of my absolute favorites. It's a gift I feel that running has given me. I used to only run on treadmills or in neighborhoods. Trail running is a hundred times better. Wherever I move next, I hope I can find trails like this one. Despite the harsh wind and 30 degree weather, the scenery is breathtaking and afterward I feel at peace with myself and nature.

When I run on it, I feel like I am right where I need to be.

mending myself

I've been doing a lot of self loathing lately, which has a lot to do with a lot of things. I sat down to write many times over the last week but didn't like how I sounded. I don't want to be that girl, complaining about breaking up and my weight and work and blah blah blah. I didn't used to be that girl. At least, not for a long time.

I remember in junior high I switched schools. Seventh grade was a bad, bad year and I remember thinking at one point that I could go through a whole day without speaking to someone besides my family. Anyway. I won a volleyball award in eighth grade at the new school for being the player that always smiled -- even if I didn't get to play very much. I was so deliriously happy to have friends that I didn't even realize I was happy or that things were much different, but it showed. I couldn't help but smile.

Now I'm feeling like I'm in seventh grade again. Nobody talkes to me. I don't have friends. Self pity is a very easy and slippery slope to slide down. But I have a lot to be thankful for and really, it's not that bad. It's just different and, while I've lost some relationships, I have the opportunity to grow some too. In the past few weeks I've done -- solo -- a lot of social and, I think, brave things. I went to a coworker's party. I went to touch football. I joined coworkers at a movie. I went to a volunteer trip reunion dinner. I went to a writing workshop. I also said no when appropriate; when I didn't want to get piss drunk or stay up until dawn. I looked out for me.

There's a lot of ways I'm moving forward. I bought make up, a new pair of jeans and shoes. Yes, little things but I'm starting to feel cute again. And I caught the eye of two guys today. I think one did a double-take. Sure it's little -- but I just need to feel pretty right now, and that's okay.

I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me and the kind of attitude I put off. I'm naturally shy and feel awkward around folks I don't know -- but that can be read as standoffish. I've been grumpy and frustrated at work lately, and that can be read as, well, grumpy. I don't think I smile enough and so have been making an effort to smile more and present myself as relaxed and comfortable and fun and generally happy. A few people are talking to me more at work. I don't think it's them, I think it's me.

This is all because I broke up with D, but it's more than that. It's because I'm doubting myself. And because in the last year I've broken off friendships that needed to be let go, but I never replaced them. For the first few weeks I thought about how wonderful D is. Now I'm starting to remember the things that really made me question his integrity and if I could marry him. I've come up with a dozen or so examples, which I decided against going into here. But this excerise has been good for my soul; I just needed to remember why I had to get out, why he wasn't the one for me and why I finally made the decision I did.

I'm not exactly out of the woods, but I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I'm trying -- and it's hard! -- to not compare myself to others in order to judge my self worth. I grew up never thinking I was good enough and comparing myself to my always-seemingly-perfect siblings. But that's not only wrong, but ironic because they think I'm the one who has it all figured out!

I may be single right now, but being single is a lot better than being with someone that drags you down and know, in your gut, you don't want to marry. I may not be entering an ivy league law school, but I did win an award for my work this year, which is the third year in a row. I may be in a size 8 right now, but I'm still 35 pounds less than I was three years ago, fitter, stronger and have a half marathon under my belt. I may not be gorgeous, but I have a pretty girl-next-door look that works really well for me.

I haven't even mentioned my weight in this post and, while I thought about ignoring it, I do have a small victory to report. I weighed in at 129 this weekend and am maintaining at 130. Which is a 2 pound weightloss and something I can live with. I was sick all weekend and have yet to work out, but that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I needed to rest and mend myself; I still am mending myself. Part of this whole journey is taking care of myself and my body and that's what I'm doing.

And that's just where I need to be.

back on track ... part two

132. Talk about frustrating after I ran my 4 miler yesterday.

But then I thought back to what I ate this weekend and it was a "duh" moment. Sure, I worked out every day. Sure, I skipped the booze and goodies at the party. But. I ate a crazy number of nachos and cheese on Friday. And then I continued to munch on the chips the rest of the weekend and graze. I also had lots of chocolate and candy in the days following halloween. I didn't really cook at all last week and had moments where I just wasn't sure what I wanted -- and so I chose the non-healthy choice.

The chips are now in the garbage can. My fridge is now full of veggies and healthy fixings.

Now it's up to me. Time to seriously get my eating back on track!

moderation

Yesterday was a very sane eating day, even though there was plenty of potential otherwise. I feel really good about my willpower. All in all, I burned about 400 calories and didn't eat about 500 calories -- Without all this willpower, I would have been nearly 1,000 calories over budget!

* I went to the gym and did spin, even though I was tired and seriously did not want to be there. I picked the wrong bike and was kicking myself the whole time. But I finished and I did some core work, although I skipped the arm/back workout. Some days it's enough to just get through the cardio.

* I did some major shopping Saturday and at the grocery store, I decided that I should try my old trick of everything in moderation.

I bought diet coke (I so want to quit it!) but I bought the small 8 oz cans instead of the large ones. I plan to slowly start weaning myself off of them.

And I bought a pint of chocolage fudge ice cream. But here's the catch. I'm only allowing myself to eat 1/4 cup a day. That serving is about 130 calories, about equal to the fake sugar diet ice cream. In the last few years one of the things I've learned is that fake sugar just enduses more sugar cravings. I buy skinny cow ice cream bars and before you know it, I've eaten three or four of them. But the real stuff, like tbe Ben & Jerry's I bought, really hits the spot. I'm also planning and using this as motivation for bypassing the breakroom goodies. Here's my mantra -- "this looks good, but chocolate fudge icecream at home is so much better."


* I bypassed a calorie-rich fest at a party Saturday. There was lots of alcohol and lots of goodies and snacks and treats. But the thing was, I didn't really feel like drinking. I didn't trust myself to hold in all the crazy sad emotions I've been feeling and I really just wanted to have fun. And I only had one cookie, which surprised myself because I was near the food table the whole time. I had a healthy meal and a 1/4 cup of ice cream (see above) before I went and I just wasn't hungry. More than anything, I was thirsty and had about four glasses of water. (Total savings = 2 glasses beer, 2 cookies, handful chex mix, etc = 500 calories).

healthy-er

I realized today that I need some time to heal. I've been pushing myself and I'm just not quite ready or sure of my footing. I exchanged items again with D today and it was a horrible, miserable, no-good, very bad lunch. Seriously. I had tears welling about half the time.

I need to heal. I've been looking at datings sites but the thing is -- as much as I want to find love and happiness and settle down and start a family, as much as I want all that plus the picket white fence -- I'm just not ready. I need to be happy on my own so I don't make the same mistake of trying to find happiness in a guy. It took me two years to figure that out and you better believe I'm going to head it. So no dating until at least January. At least.

I have a lot of other mending to do. I want to lose weight. I want to get stronger and faster. I want to finish writing my children's book. I want to encourage and create friendships. I want to get back into art and music. I want to further embrace nature. I need to get back my footing -- and make sure I'm on solid ground -- before I should even think about dating. I don't have good judgement right now.

run, spin, strength

I surprised myself by not only talking myself into running 2 miles yesterday but also getting up and going to spinning and staying another 40 minutes to do weights and core work. There was a cute guy there and I'm sure that's why I did a few more sit ups and the leg press. We left at the same time but I didn't remember to smile at him or say anything when we nearly ran into eachother going down the stairs. I probably should have taken my headphones off too, headphones never spark conversation. It's hard to remember how to put myself out there and after 2 years I feel like I'm learning to do it all over again and I worry that I'll not only be rejected but scaffed at, like 'what was she thinking she's so not in the same league as I am.' I'm a size larger than I was before but I'm also stronger and faster and slowly working my way back down to a six 6. Which, by the way, I'm not really sure how I maintained for a year because I never worked out. But if I never worked out, I would never accidently run into cute guys at the gym on the stairwell. Maybe he'll be there next week.

I'm sore now but all in all, the gym was good. And so was running last night, although my knees were a little sore. I basically fell asleep last night before I could go out, but I have two sets of plans today with coworker-type friends and that should be fun. And good for me.

two miles

I ran two miles with two hill repeats. It felt pretty good and I surprised myself by running at (I think) a 10:30 pace and keeping my heartrate in the 170s.

And even though I didn't run during lunch -- seroiusly, will this crazy work week ever get less crazy? -- I did sneak it in before a work dinner. It's one thing to feel good about!

yesterday

Yesterday was a relatively sane eating day, except for the cake after lunch. I'm hoping that it's one step closer to a sane eating week. I think I totaled in a reasonable range.

Yogurt and coffee: 250
Veggie enchillata meal, broccoli, soy nuts, cheese stick: 650
Cake, granola bar: 350
1/2 pb sandwich, tempeh bbq sandwich, grapes, 2 cheese sticks: 750
Total: 2000
Workout: Spinning, weights
Total: 1500?

Today I am running at lunch. I am going. Two miles. Up the hill. It'll be the only time to fit it in, as I have dinner plans at 6:30 after work. I may or may not squeeze yoga in. But I'm going for a run!

the best

130.5 Pretty good for another crazy eating day. Breakfast and lunch were fine - but I went out for Mexican food with D and had some yummy chocolate-fudge-brownie-chip ice cream shortly after. (A small size, but still).

It felt good to talk to him. He's doing well and is really honing in on what he wants to do for a living, I'm really happy for him and I think he'll be successful. The unreliable streak is still there (he says he's going to go live in Mexico for six months after graduation ...) but I can tell he still cares.

I talked a lot about the type of work I want to focus on and whether or not to go to grad school. It's a big decision. I also talked about the pressure I feel to succeed, having grown up in the fashion and with the parents I did. I had a few tears because the thing is, I never feel good enough.

There's so many things I wish I was better at -- I wish I was more outgoing; smarter; more articulate; better looking; a smaller size; more naturally athletic. I looked around or remember friends growing up and it seems like all these things came so naturally to them, but everything seems like it's so challenging for me. I have to work twice as hard and it's awkward and I just wish it were easier. Sometimes I feel like there's so much pressure to be the best that I'm a failure before I even begin.

What D has always said, and what he said again, and what I need to start repeating to myself until I fully believe it, is that I'm pretty darn awesome as I am. In fact, I'm just the way I should be.

Why does it take an ex to remind me of that?

the same

I somehow managed to stay at 130 over this crazy and stressful and yes, food-crazy work weekend.

There were many times when I felt full while eating at a restaurant or take-out and I just kept eating. Call it comfort food. I was in a completely new place, in a new hotel, working on a new on-deadline project I had literally just learned about and had done no research on. Throw on top of that my co-worker and I have a strained relationship at best -- we haven't worked together or even really talked for more than a year. And the best way to describe our work styles is different. I need structure and a plan and a back-up plan, which is why the bosses paired me with her. She's a hurricane and very unpredictable.

I'm most thankful we had seperate rooms.

Maybe all the stress and intense focus burns more calories? Because I only worked out once between Friday and Sunday.

They gave me today off, so it's full of cleaning and laundry and organizing and running. Maybe some grocery shopping and cooking too.

Wow. Tired. Exausted. 35 hours of work between Friday and Sunday night.

Way too much eating out and junk food. I did workout once at the hotel gym, though. I felt good about throwing together a workout outfit in the 10 minutes I had to pack.

130. And holding. Hopefully.

four days ....

I cannot go this long without workout out again. Four days and spinning literally kicked my ass. And strength training was hard too. Four days and I'm already loosing what I've worked so hard to gain. If that's not motivation, besides the three guys that checked me out while walking from spin to the weight room, than I don't know what is.

I had a large veggie ques with guac today for lunch. Comfort food. I was with A and we're working on a huge project and we had some soul seaching to do together. She's the last to hear D and I broke up. She thinks she may break up with her man. I asked why she cut me out of her life a year ago. She didn't have a good explanation except that she didn't like what I had to say when she asked my opinion. Water under the bridge. Hopefully. It's either the second beginning of a friendship or I'm going to trust her and she's going to burn me bad. I know the old saying, fool me once ... but this is business, not personal. She has to work with me. And I'm documenting anything sketchy. Cross your fingers.

I'm coming to the somewhat hesitant conclusion that I'm going to need to stay here for the next 3-6 months. This large project is going to last until at least Christmas, but it may help set me apart from the other job candidates I'll be competing with. It's one of those projects where I'm either in or I'm out, and being chosen for being in means I'm one of the best here. I'm top two. And honestly, I'm not going to be able to leave without burning bridges. I'm going to need those bridges.

And lets face it, I want options when I leave. If it I give this project my all -- and spend time self teaching myself some computer stuff -- well, I should have options. And lots of support behind me. At least thats what I'm telling myself right now.

back... down?

130.5. I don't understand how weight works sometimes, but I'll take it. A few more days and actually getting my butt out the door to work out might bring be back below 130.

It's been such a crazy, busy, stressful week. I'm so looking forward to the weekend and the chance to organize myself, cook some meals for the week, clean (yes, I said clean) and just generally get my shit in order.

I'm also going to need the weekend to do some major pep-talking for a tough conversation I want to have with my boss. Everyone I've talked to says I need to do it. So that's it. I just need to do it ... after the weekend.

But before the weekend, I'm going to try something new: Running on my lunch break. I really hate running on the treadmill, but it's now dark when I wake up and when I get home because I live in the crazy far north. And I don't like running when cars can't see me.

So the conclusion I've come to is to run at lunch. Get to work at 8, take lunch from 12-1:30 and stay until 5:30. It should be doable, especially since I'm only looking at doing this twice a week and, at least in the beginning, relegating myself to my neighborhood.

And, I might do some leg strength training after work on these nights. But we'll see. Slow and steady,

Today is spin and weights. Time to pack my gym bag.

four days ....

I gained four pounds in four days.

Grrrr.

How is that even possible? It's so frustrating that it took that short of a time to put on that much weight. It took me four weeks to loose it, and it's back in four days? I slip and four days later I'm back where I started? Seriously!?!

I'm really hoping that it's water weight. And it is that time of the month. My fingers are crossed.

But I need to be honest with myself. I need to reassess the truth: I've been eating major comfort food and seminar carby food and cheesy food and lots of it. And since the 5k Saturday, I haven't really worked out. That's four days of sitting on my ass!

So tomorrow: Spinning and weights.
Friday: Running (2 miles + hill repeat x2) and power yoga.
Saturday: Spinning and weights.
Sunday: Long run.

That should get me back on track! Today's eating was already better than the last few days. Probably 1800 calories:

B: LF yogurt, granola, coffee with soy.
L: Half mock tuna wrap, califlower curry soup from the co-op.
Snack: Dark chocolate (3 pieces), banana.
D: Salad with LF ranch, pasta shells veggie meal, broccoli, LF yogurt with honey.
S: Dark chocolate (3 pieces).

I am ...

I had a really good talk with my dad over dinner today that basically reinforced what I've known but had trouble acknowledging lately. I've felt very lost in the world and have decided to take the rest of the week and let myself settle and remind myself who I am:

I should follow my heart but listen to my gut. I should trust but question when things don't add up. I should follow my dreams and my interests and work hard and be enthusiastic about work. I should give and be grateful when I get in return. I should celebrate my successes and that of others. I should be proud but not brag. I should not wine, ever. I should believe in myself, look out for myself and be the best self I can be. I should never compromise my standards or beliefs. I should set expectations. I should not settle and I should not be afraid of waiting. I should do all of these things, most intuitively, because I have character. It's in my blood.

worth it

I've been eating a lot of comfort food Sunday and Monday, and while I haven't weighed myself I know that I'm probably back up a pound or two! Which is frustrating because I just reached 129.5. All that work and I'm throwing it away because of my damn emotions and insecurities.

I know it has to do with the breakup and the uncertainty of my future. (Should I apply for another job? Will I ever find the right guy?) And then going to a conference where I was out of my element and surrounded by carby goodness. I feel fat and ugly and dumb and it's just ridiculous. Lets just say my usual strategies didn't work and I caved. A scone after breakfast, two cookies for snack, lets not even go into my cheese-induced dinner craziness. My tummy hurts this morning.

I have to remember that I am worth eating well and working out for. I am worth it and I need to remake that commitment today. And it's time to try a new strategy -- I'm buying mints and popping those each and every time today I want to eat a free goody. And I'm packing fruit.

It's only been two days and I can easily get back on track. I can do this. I am worth it.

I'm starting to grieve the loss of D's and my relationship. Two years and it's really over. I don't think it's fully set in. It's over. And I'm alone and single. And it's over.

It's official, although I've said that before. D and I are broken up. There are so many reasons, so many factors. It fell apart. And bottom line, he wasn't there for me when I needed him. If he truely loved me, he would have been.

one more down

I clocked in at 129.5 this morning, which surprised me but upon further review makes sense. Yes, I had a cheesy-filled dinner and a hearty lunch yesterday. But I also ran a KICK-ASS 5k and have been eating relatively sane for the last few days. I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to weigh in.

I wonder how much of that one pound weighloss (down 2.5 pounds so far!) has to do with stress? The stress of having to make some tough decisions and innitiating some tough conversations with the people I care about deeply.

The conversations scare me and kept me from falling asleep last night. I'm not very good with these things, standing up to family or explaining my concerns or asking for advice or the dreaded asking for help from my now-employer to either find a job or get into grad school. Even though I know he's helped others, and have said so to me.

Just remember: One day at a time. One day.

woohooo pr

What an amazing morning. Mom was up from Arizona this week and we ran a 5K and both of us set personal records! I ran it in 31:04, exactly a 10 minute mile pace. Exactly. Which I am so excited about! We talked a lot about our next 5ks and the half marathon this spring. I helped her map out a training plan. I just love thinking about running. I love getting better at it even more. What an awesome and democratic sport.

taking chances

I think I'm back down to 130.5, although it's hard to tell. My scale isn't exactly the easiest to read -- but I have to remember I bought it that way. I don't want to obsess over the decimal when I'm maintaining.

I went to spin today but failed to do arm strength because my gym buddy is moving away! I've only known her a few months but it was nice having a friendly face at the gym and a non-work friend to hang out with occasionally. We went out for burritos after class and talked about life and moving forward and taking chances. I'm very excited about her new job! And it has me thinking about my job search.

I haven't been taking any risks and I haven't applied to companies that know my work. Which sounds silly, but I'm almost scared of scoring an interview and landing a job because, well, everything. would. change.

I'm going to think about this for a few days. I need to find a way around my hesitation.

back up

I'm back up at 131. This is somewhat expected, and I'm glad I didn't go higher, given the food I ate over the weekend and the two pb&js I had yesterday for dinner. Yes, two. I was seeking comfort food for a very legit reason!

It's time to get back on track, though.

I bought some microwavable dinners for this week, I'm just not feeling up to cooking a lot. There's so much to do and fit in. Thursday I go talk to the masters program people and Friday night mom's coming up so we can run Saturday's 5k. I'll be sad when she flies back south.

Here's my plan this week:

Tonight is spinning and strength training.
Tomorrow is a hardish 2 mile run.
Thursday is either the eliptical or an easyish 2 mile run.
Friday is rest.
Saturday is the 5k.

I broke up with D today. Again. He asked if this was working and I said no, it's not. It was probably the third or fourth time he's asked me that since we got back together. For some reason this is all via text message and phone -- every time we talk like this in person neither of us can let go. It's time to let go, though. In my heart I know it's time.

For some reason, I feel releaved. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to work so hard at us anymore, and feel like the only one that's fighting. I know he's fighting, but it feels half hearted. I don't feel like I'm a priority, or even make the top five. I understood more when he was preparing or on his deployment. But now -- well, now I feel it's a choice and each time he changes plans it hurts. I feel like I can't count on him anymore.

I can't be there to support him anymore. It's making me miserable because he's not there to support me.

And it's time I start looking out for me.

I am a runner (not a jogger)

(My own version of Runner's World penguin column. I may not be fast, I may actually be relatively slow, but I am still a runner.)

I am a runner because I train and I improve, although gradually. I have a plan, a calendar and a log.

I am a runner because everything else I do -- spin, swim, eliptical, yoga, weight lifting, core work -- is cross training. And nothing else is quite as satisfying.

I am a runner because I race. Not to win, but against myself. I sign up and get a bib number and I run to beat my own time, to PR. (And to get the t-shirt)

I am a runner because I am no wimp. I run in all kinds of crazy north-midwestern weather. Rain, snow, hail. When it reached -30 below windchill and my car wouldn't start, I braved frostbite to get to the apartment gym and get on a treadmill.

I am a runner because I have gear. And gu. And shoes. And retired running shoes.

I am a runner because I think about my food, well some of my food, as fuel.

I am a runner because I have tested and broken my limit. I have been sidelined by injury. I have hurt my feet, my IT band, felt soreness is shins and hamstrings. I am learning to embrace those limits and listen to them.

I am a runner because I can't help but talk about running to friends, family and coworkers. And I sometimes talk other people into running or training with me.

I am a runner because I have never feel quite as alive as I do on the trail, running through the woods, crunching fallen leaves, listening to the rush of the river and the rythem of my breath.

I am a runner because I can be. I want to be.

the weekend

Well, the day after tomorrow test worked. I'm still holding at 130.5. I've been eating very sensible, home cooked meals that are well balanced. Even my take-out yesterday at lunch was healthy -- I orded sushi. Thats it's, just sushi.

This weekend will be a challenge to maintain that, though. I've been invited out to dinner with D's family on Friday, dinner with my family on Saturday, drinks with my brothers on Saturday night and brunch on Sunday. Everything that I have going on, minus spin on Saturday morning and a long(ish) run on Sunday, has to do with food!

But, I am so excited to see family. So hopefully I can concentrate on the relationships instead of what's on my dinner plate. I'll have to think of a better strategy than that, of course.

I didn't fall asleep until way past midnight, late for my normal 10 pmer time. I was tired, sad, cried a little, D was unavailable via phone, got up, watched some Scrubs reruns and finally fell asleep. Something's going on in my head and I need to fix it.

knock on wood

I lost a pound (130.5 and crossing my fingers) today and was on goal with diet and exercise. This whole write everything down and eat less seems to be working since I've lost 1.5 pounds so far. The sheer simplicity astonishes me. But the true test will come the day after tomorrow. If this is a maintainable approach. If I keep the weight off or even loose a little more.

My shins feel kind of tight right now, which is odd because I never have problems with my shins. I did 30 minutes eliptical and my core and arm workout. I debated in my head if I should go run, since it was a beeeautiful fall evening but I knew, deep down, that I cannot run and weight train on the same day. It's just that I cannot get my butt to the gym after I've been let free on the wooded trails. The gym is just too confining!

Work was blah. I've overwhelmed in the I'm-pretty-sure-no-I'm-nearly-certain-that-I-don't-want-to-be-here kind of way. There's all this work and small projects and large projects and online projects and pressure, oh the pressure! It wouldn't be quite so much pressure if someone had their act together earlier, but no. That wouldn't be right.

It's not that I can't do it. I can. I've proven I can. I've won awards, including the mvp award last year. I just don't think I want to anymore -- in the not-wanting-to sense that it's hard to completely give something up after dreaming of it since the ripe age of 13.

On another completely random note, this month's Runners World has my all-time favorite penguin column. It's a list about why he, a non-faster runner, the premier waddler, is in fact a runner. Tune in later because my list of why I'm a runner, not a jogger, is coming soon.

the one mile race

Woosh!

I won SECOND place! The number two female runner!

Not only did I make my reasonable goal of sub-10, but I ran a sub-9 minute mile. I finished in 8:59.

And I have a $25 gift certificate and a metal to show for it.

(So what if there were only two female runners? For the first time, ever, I PLACED!)

Oh, and I didn't come in last. Because my boss, the crazy marathon runner that organized this whole thing? He ran with me and made sure I wasn't last. :-)

one mile

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's one mile race. Yes, it's only a mile. Yes, I can finish. But the pre-race butterflies are here.

I set a very reasonable goal of a sub-10 minute mile. It's still a push since I've been running 11 minute and 12 minute miles. I would like sub-9 and would really, really like sub-8. With my knees acting up and my feet still recoving, through, sub-10 is a good goal. It's a nice, healthy, reasonable, how-can-I-fail goal that is also an injury-free goal.

I like goals like that! So why am I nervous? Here's the catch. The catch I failed to think about, or factor in, or even acknowledge until today.

It's a work function. My boss is a crazy marathoner and he put this one mile run together to race money for the United Way. He's coached me through the half marathon last spring and the injury this summer. So when he asked, how could I say no?

So here's the big question (oh, the irony is killing me!)

What do I wear?

Should I show up in my normal running gear, my teeny-tiny running shorts and tank top? In front of people who will determine my next raise? And some of the public officials (ahem mayors) I have to deal with each day?

Am I crazy?

diet

I've been thinking about my diet tonight, and it's time to rethink the strategy. There's simply no reason I should be working out five days a week for 30 mintues to an hour and not loosing weight.

Except if I'm eating to compensate. Which is what I am -- I'm still doing what I did this spring when I trained for the half marathon. But the thing is, I'm not running 10 miles each weekend like I was then. That's 1,000 extra calories I got to add to my week that I simply shouldn't be adding.

Which is why these five pounds I've gained since running the race (hello!) put themselves on my tummy and thighs and are simply not budging.

Of course, I could just start working out like a maniac. But if this weekend is any indication, I might overtrain and be sidelined. I've only been back at this regular five a week schedule for 6 weeks now. I need to maintain my workout intensity before I increase it more. No more injuries. That's my goal.

I searched the apartment today for my old weight watchers books circa 2002. Whenever I went back on plan, counted my points, wrote everything down, I lost weight. Never reached goal but I've lost. The books, which used to live in my kitchen drawer, well, they've vanished. Vanished!

My solution is simple, mostly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new ones (they're expensive online!) I'm going to borrow my mom's old ones when I go home next weekend, but until then here are my goals:

1. Write everything down that I eat.
2. Eat pre-portioned meals that are well balanced with veggies, protein and mostly non-refined carbs.
3. Eat healthy snacks.
4. One small treat a day.
5. Write EVERYTHING down. Everything.

PS I went to touch football. It was fun and I started breathing heavily, until my teammates and I were attacked by a swarming army of knats. So 20 minutes of walking and occasionally splint, how many points does that burn? We went back to a friends apartment to play a game, where I successfully avoided the cupcakes. One girl ate three, but I ate NONE! One small victory for my waist line.

Getting my give aways back

The comment Amy (Why can't I figure out how to link her site?) left me recently has got me thinking, reflecting. She writes about her own fear of risk and lack of faith. It struck a chord. I'm not the only one!

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about something I read somewhere, although I'm not sure where. It's the kind of phrase that has stuck with me, creeping into my thoughts when I think about my career or my relationship or the city I live in. I wonder if I want these things, if I want to change them, if I'm willing to give something up in the hope of something better -- or possibly worse.

"Indecision leads to decision."

I wrote a few days ago about my absolute aversion to risk. I know I need to change, I know I need something different. But I don't want to realize in a year or two or ten that I should have stuck it out. That I gave up something important, that I needed. Or that I made the wrong decision moving forward.

Then that phrase haunts me.

"Indecision leads to decision."

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to live the kind of life that just happens. I want to choose a path in life. I want a decision in what I do, where I live, who I'm with. I want to be happy and I'm not sure I'll be happy if I settle with what I know. What I'm comfortable with. What seems right, at least for now.

There's another phrase that has stuck with me. A magazine interviewed a woman, who was talking about a past relationship and why she left it after so many years. It applies to my life.

"You give and give and give, and then you realize you gave something up that you needed."

There are things I need that I no longer have. I gave them up somewhere along the line, pursuing a career and getting through D's deployment.

I am making a decision to get those things back. I just need to figure out how.

football

My knees and feet are still sore this morning, so I'm changing my normal weekend workout sessions.

(Oh, and by the way, I'm around 131 - half a pound!)

Friday: Eliptical plus arm/back strength.
Saturday: Long run (about 3 miles) plus power yoga.
Sunday: Touch football. Yes, football.

No, I don't really know how to play. Yes, I know there have been some serious injuries sometimes involving surgery on this team in the last few years. But I have officially been talked out of my two-year hiatus from the sport. And I'm stronger and more aware of my body than ever before.

It's time to make a change.

I'm making a comeback.

risk

I was originally going to write about my new strategy of rewarding myself for working out.

After getting back from my run, I thought about writing about my feet and my knee. My IT bands were acting up, which hasn't been an issue for almost six months.

Then I thought about writing about chocolate. I wasn't able to pass up the mm cookies but could easily pass up the cake today at work.

But the thing is, none of these really matter. Because I came to a realization tonight. A realization that streches across many aspects of my life.

I. am. afraid.

of.

risk.

Yes, risk. I'm scared to leave the job I'm unhappy am, because I'm afraid of my next move. Of taking a risk.

I'm scared about moving to a different state. I'm scared about not liking a new company or new coworkers. I'm scared I'll regret not going to grad school, or going to grad school for the wrong thing. I'm scared about giving up the career I've dreamed of since I was 13. But I'm scared that not pursuing a new career will leave me in the dust.

I'm scared about leaving D, even though I'm questioning what we're doing. I'm scared of wishing we stayed together.

I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

But I'm also scared of not moving forward.

POWER yoga!

Well, I'm still at or about 132 lbs. It's hard to not get disappointed, but at the same time I had chocolate in the afternoon and lots of granola after dinner. When the math is said and done, it's still too high.

It started thundering right when I got off of work yesterday, and so my window to run (between 6 and 7, when the sun sets) was squashed. Instead I did 30 minutes of "power yoga," where you do sun salutations between every other set.

It got my heat rate up slightly and I was breathing pretty heavy. But the stretching -- especially the downward dog -- was amazing. Today my legs feel loose and relieved. They feel like they're ready for a good run tonight.

It was hard to get started with yoga, but I made a 30 minute playlist and got into it at the end. It was very calming and relaxing, and makes me wonder if I should add it to my routine on my "rest" days. Or maybe after a run or something.

So, while the scale didn't move there is a small victory here. Instead of sitting on the couch (although I did that later) when the rain ruined my run, I did 30 minutes of yoga. I was motivated.

And that's something,

stress relief

Yesterday was a good eating/workout out day. I ate sensibly, despite having an emotional rollercoaster ride at work that involved tears. Many tears.

Spinning came as a welcome relief. It was one of those days that I just needed to sweat all the stress out of me, and it worked. Besides maintaining a healthy weight and being strong, the stress-release of my running and biking routine is a huge reason why I get through the excuses and do it.

Eating went well too, I think I had a net total of 1500-1600 after I subtract my hour workout of cardio and weights.

I'm getting the hang of my arm workout routine, and brought my book. It actually really helped (although I felt subconcious toting a journal around) because I could see what weight I was at before and how many reps. I also marked where I thought I could move up next time. I always forget these things, so it's really helpful. I hope it keeps me on track.

Well, today is a fun day. I haven't decided if I'll run at the gym (and do the 1.5 mile time test) or if I'll go outside on the trail. I'm leaning toward outside, since in a week I'll be running a 1 mile race and can use that time as a gauge.

If I run on the trail, it will be between 22-24 minutes, and I'll do yoga OR a lower body workout. Definately a more defined core workout than I do at the gym.

So yes! I'm feeling good so far today. Despite all the tears at work yesterday, I'm hoping the situation improves so at least work is tolerable.

Anyway, time to have a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.

mantra

Repeat after me:

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am in control of my surroundings. I am in control of what I eat and the portions I eat.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight: Spinning, core, arm/back strength.

no running

No running today.

And I fell off my healthy diet by eating grilled cheese, tomato soup (from a can), coleslaw and ice cream for dinner.

BUT.

I laughed. And talked. And had a really good time with coworkers.

And we didn't talk about relationships once.

And I laughed even more.

it.was.awesome.

a step forward

Well, I still don't like my job. But I took a step forward yesterday and applied for a magazine job. So cross your fingers for me!

I'm still a tad sore from yesterday's "long" run and yoga, and the nearly-twisted ankle is still sore but luckily walkable.

I'm still considering doing my "fitness test" today. My bag's all packed to go to the gym tonight. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. A blah mood. Blah blah blah.

run + yoga

Today's run started off weakly but ended strongly.

I went to the quarry and tried to keep my heartratein the 170s, which was hard. It kept creaping up to the 180s and above! I walked a few times, which helped. This was suppose to be an "easy long run." My first "long run" since getting back out there.

Well, I definately walked after I slipped on one of the boulders along the bike trail and skinned by hip! Thank goodness I didn't sprain my ankle -- but it does make me wonder if I should suck it up and order some trail running shoes.

Anyway, I walked for a few minutes but did 35 overall -- so, at or about 3 miles. I feel really good about that. It's the first time I've gone that far, and I did end really strong. My feet felt fine at the end. I was tempted to push it farther, but no. I know better. I should hang out at 35 minutes for at least a week or two or three before I push it to 45 minutes.

When I got home, I did the "power yoga" routine in the book I bought. I didn't follow the routine exactly, so it took me about 15 minutes intead of 20 to 30 minutes. But for a first attempt, I liked it. I was really, really sweaty too!

The best part was I put on my own music instead of the sappy new-age stuff they play at the gym. I moved through the moves faster, too. Between 8 and 16 counts per step. It'll get longer with practice, though. I have no worries of that.

But overall, I can see myself doing a yoga routine 1-2 times a week after a run. I think it might be a good way to build some overall strength at home.

lost

Well, between yesterday and today I read a whole book. It was nice, but now I'm still in relaxing mode.

I also have a slight headache and my tummy hurts.

And yes, I'm suppose to run this afternoon. It's beautiful -- seriously, a rare northern fall day -- so I know I'll get my feet in gear soon and go. I'm thinking about taking it slow and going for a 30 minuter. We'll see.

Mostly, I'm slightly sad I don't have any plans today besides running and cleaning, which of course I do really need to do. D and I had talked about going for a walk with the pups, but it's nearly one and he's not answering his phone. So it sounds like that's not happening, which I'm trying not to get to down on. I'm trying.

I can also feel the tension building up inside me. It's almost Monday and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to making myself happier in my career. One more week of pushing it out, really, the daily grind.

I feel so lost right now.

by the numbers

This evening I totally thought I blew my calories today, but I didn't really blow it. Not even close to blowing it.

Which could mean a few things. Especially since, at nearly 10 p.m. tonight, I'm still quite full.

1. I'm making healthier, less-caloric choices.
2. I'm eating smaller portions.
3. I'm workout out like a maniac.
4. I should never have won that math award in college.

I added them up on my practice sheet, and after subtracting out some workout calories I'm just slightly above my goal of between 1600-1700 calories.

B: Yogurt, banana. (300)
L: Two eggs, ww bagel with LF cream cheese, 1/4 cup red potatoes, coffee with soy milk. (600)
S: 1/2 ww bagel with hummus, diet coke; nachoes, WW fudge bar; 1/2 bagel with cream cheese. (800)
D: Baked tofu, broccoli, 1/2 acorn squash, 2 WW fudge bars. (600)

Workout: Spinning (35 minutes), core and arm weights. (500)

2200 - 500 = 1800.

Amazing.

And I'm full.

spinning

Well, I got up and did it this morning - I went to spinning and, despite having trouble giving it my all, finished and went on to do some (wimpy) core work but some hard-core arm strengthening too.

I left about 8:40 and was home by about 10:20 -- An hour and a half. I feel good about that!

And I can tell, even though I haven't been weighing myself the last few days. My tight capris are a little less tight this morning. And I'm feeling better overall and craving healthy food.

So, it was probably a 4 out of 5 workout on the scale of toughness. However, when I did it last week it was 5 out of 5 -- and I slept for four hours afterward!

today

Well, no stressed out, work-enduced tears today, thank goodness!

Although there were a few work moments (like when I was asked by a job candidate what the MORALE was like and if I planned to STAY here!) that I had to bite my tounge. I need to sort some inner stuff out before I start spreading rumors to shoot my own foot.

And really, today wasn't so horrible. Not good, but not horrible. 'Nough said. On to better topics: RUNNING!

Today -- Fartlek at the Beaver Island Trail. Total was 24 minutes, I ran for more than 2 miles, did 30 second intervals, it was all good. Except at the end, when my right. foot. kept. hurrrting.

Why???

I did have fun today filling out a practice log for my new log book. Yes, I'm like that. I made a copy this morning and walked around with it (in my defense, the log starts on a Monday and today's Friday!) and I like it. I think I ate about 1750 calories, so I'm actually under my goal by about 50 calories ... (hmmm.... a dangerous realization.... )

goals

Well, I'm back up between 131 and 132. Pizza Wednesday and crap yesterday, I suppose. Plus I didn't do anything workout-related yesterday. It was raining. And I was sad. So there.

BUT! I did do something (actually two things) that are good: As D and I were sitting in the Cub Foods parking lot debating whether to go get icecream, we instead decided to forgo the treat and go to Barnes and Noble, where I bought two strength training books.

One is Shape's ultimate body workout, or something, and it has tons of full-body and target workouts to do, both at home and at the gym.

The other is a workout training log with space for cardio, nutrition, strength and reps, yoga, and other stuff.

My favorate part of both? The goals section.

The book has a "strength test" that I'm doing to do this weekend -- basically, how fast can you run a mile, how many kneed pushups can you do, sit up, and squats. Then, every three months or so, you can retest yourself.

The log has a similar goal section -- long-term, monthly, weekly goals. And I think I really need to set and visualize some goals.

So yes, I'm excited!

so far

So far, so good...

B: 1 cup LF yogurt, banana, coffee with soy milk. (400)
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, chic pea pattie, brocolli and salsa (450)
S: granola, chocolate (300)
Total so far (1150)


Tonight -- salad, pasta and running.

end of the week

I'm hovering just between 130 and 131, which means progress is being made (and Monday's carb fest wasn't a complete derailment).

I want to be 130 by the end of the week, but I also know that setting such time pegs can be as derailing as a carb fest. I don't want to be upset when I don't make it.

But, I also want to make it. If I stick to plan (about 1600 net calories a day) I should get there.

Today is a run day, although I may throw some core work in there as well. I'll be heading over to the BI Trail, lets hope the rain lets up! (And yes, this means getting my brand new shoes muddy ... I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad)

20 extra minutes

I timed my strength workout today.

6 minutes: core.
13 minutes: arms and back.

So for about 20 extra minutes, I got a strength workout in. I can do that, definately, on top of spinning twice a week.

That means I worked out for an hour today!

Eating was also on plan:

Breakfast: LF yogurt, banana and coffee. (400)
Lunch: Soup and half cheese sandwich and chocolate. (700)
Snack: Apple and calorie granola bar. (200)
After workout snack: tofu smoothy. (150)
Dinner: 1 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup quinoa, a chic pea pattie and 1 cup broccoli. (600)

Total: 2100
Calories burned: 400 spinning and 50 weight training.
Which means: I'm ending the day at 1,650, right about where I want to be.

one step at a time.

I had bad a eating day yesterday, mostly set off by a frustrating day at work. Way too much carbs and cheese, basically. Way too much. And no running.

I can do this, get back on plan, get down below 130 again. (I was at 131 this morning, so I'm still down a pound.) And I can get a new job and really decide to tie into grad school.

But it'll take one step at a time:

My goal is really one pound a week, which would put me at goal around mid-December. Boy, it would be awesome starting a new year at goal -- and have a new job to boot!

Today to get a new job: I finished two applications yesterday, so mailing them I will today. Also, I'm going to burn some more DVDs.

Today to get to grad school: Print off check list, study GRE for 30 minutes.

Today to loose weight: Eat healthy, lots of veggies (b: yogurt, banana and strawberries; l: potatoes, chic pea and steams broccoli, salad; s: tbd; d: tofu smoothy). Spin at 5:30 p.m. (and if I don't make it, the eliptical); core and arm weights.

tired

I am tired.

Not sore, just tired. I woke up from a two hour nap and I'm still exausted!

Granted, D and I did go for a two mile walk with the puppies. It was so much fun! :-) We have plans to do it again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, I have plans to do a two mile easy run, some core work and then lots and lots of chores.

Oh, and I need to finish two job aps. Might as well try and put the word out there!

a great way to start the day

I went to spinning today!

Then I stuck with my goal of 5 minutes core work AND strength work on my arms and back. It took maybe an extra 20 minutes to do these two things, which puts working out at about an hour today.

I've been reading a lot about how strength training will (hopefully!) boost my metabolism and help me loose these 11 pounds (yep, I was back down at 131 this morning). I'm also hoping it will keep me injury-free, as this summer was really a wake-up call in that department.

My whole body is tired, but not sore, which I think is a good sign. :-)

blah

Well, the cookies and last night's crap caught up with me: slightly below 132 this morning.

I had another breakdown last night about my job, and it just so happened D called then and I cried to him for about an hour.

As hard as it is to admit it, it's time to expand my horizons.

It's even harder to admit I'm not happy there. It's like I'm failing in the emotions department, even though I know it's not true. the work dynamic and structure has changed. I've grown and apparently, it's making at least one supervisor resentful (and, while I won't go into details, she has bottled that up for a year and it's bursting now. Very mature way to handle personnel things on a supervisors part).

Blah.

four notes

Note one --
No spin today, the class was canceled. I did do 30 minutes on the eliptical and 5 minutes core work.

Note two --
I ate healthy all the way to dinner. When I got home at 7 p.m., it surprised me how hungry I was. I ate my way through a pita and hummus and cheese, a wrap with avocado, and a quesidalla and soy milk.

Note three --
An article at the gym caught my eye, it was about grazing. You know, small breakfast, snack, smallish lunch, snack, dinner, snack. When I first lost all this weight, that's what I was doing. I actually find that's what I'm doing now -- and it's something I may go back to.

Note four --
I talked to my editor again, but I'm still not happy. I just don't feel like I fit into the office anymore.
I want to stick around and see what happens, but I'm just not sure I can.

good vs. bad news

I did my two miles yesterday, with some speed work, even after I ate two cookies in the afternoon.

What can I say? I was weak.

But in good news, the scale is still showing just a smidge over 130, so there's still progress.

On the not-so-good news, I may have overextended my right foot. During the end-of-run walk I started limping slightly. So I iced it last night, iced it again this morning and will take a few days off from running. My goal is three days a week anyway, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal to wait until Sunday.

Oh, and I WILL go get new running shoes before my next run. That just may be part of the problem.

Tonight: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Friday: Eliptical?
Saturday: Spinning + core + arm weights.
Sunday: A slow, easy run. 25-30 minutes, depending on how my foot feels.

Oh, and my weight is hovering just above 130 -- yay! I can't tell if I'm maintaining at 131 or if I lost a half a pound.

But either way, it's a good feeling! :-)

the life

Well, I didn't run or spin yesterday. Got out of work at 7, ate dinner, talked on the phone with some long-distance friends and went to bed. Yep, that's it.

It wasn't that I was too tired to run -- I just didn't want to. I would have rather took spinning class, but I missed it by a mile. Work stinks like that some times, there's no set schedule. There's no ability to plan my evenings in a routine way.

- Today will be a long work day. I plan on running tonight at the trail, but we'll see.

- Tomorrow promises to be a little better. I should make it to spinning.

- Friday is a toss up, but running or eliptical is planned.

- Saturday morning's spinning should be doable.

- Sunday is either a rest day or a run day, depending on today and Friday.

The plan is to run no more than three days a week, mostly because I want to ease into running and let my feet fully heal before I pound the pavement. One day will be a speed workout (fartlek) and another will be a long run (one I work up to that).

The other plan is to hit spinning twice a week, either Tuesdays or Thursdays and Saturdays. The weekend always seems doable, although twice mid-week is often a stretch.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get by. Trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to be and start living the life I want.

to run or to spin?

I'm torn today between going to a timed 2 miler at 5:30, spinning at 5:30, or blowing them both and running on a trail a bit later. The spinning is a longer, harder workout. But it would be nice to know my time at 2 miles, and it would be nice to run peacefully on a trail.

With my work schedule and the hecticness that is my job, I don't know if I can get out at 5 p.m. There's no guarantee, although often I can make it stick. I'm also nervous because I want to limit myself to running 3 times a week, and I'm still iffy about going two days in a row, which means of course that if I run today I shouldn't run again until Friday. Bah.

I ran yesterday on the Mississippi trail, the dirt one between the paved one and the river. I loved it! My iPod was dead, but no matter. The trail, the trees, the chipmunks, the river, the beauty of it all -- mixed with the rythem of my breathe -- was all I needed.

In other news, I think I know what I want to do career-wise. There's a related health graduate program that I can take that could set me up to do some public health communications work, something that is dear to my heart. I bounced it off a friend last night and he thought it sounded like a good fit. I'll see what my mom thinks tonight.

one pound down, 11 to go!

Some bits of news to report:

I lost one pound (!!!) A few days of somewhat healthy eating and exercising hard (run, spin, run, spin, ah!) really paid off. My goal is to be 125 (via the doctors scale) which is 120 at my scale. So, 11 pounds to go! (Secretly I would love to be 120 at the doctor's scale but I just don't know if that's doable. So. 125 it is!)

I'm seriously thinking about a health/science writing career. There are a few graduate programs out there and it seems to fit better than anything else I've stumbled upon, considering I've always been drawn to health stories (well, preventative health stories) and have always been curious with the theory of the world. More on that later.

D and I, are, well, dating? I'm not really sure to be honest because we haven't talked about it. I don't think things have fully changed -- I don't think he's ready to commit, I feel like he's still working on himself. But I do know am in the process of changing and taking more control of my life -- I want to go out and do my own thing, find a career that fits, exercise, eat healthy, etc. etc.

Saturday

The very good: I went to spinning and didn't die and did 7 minutes of abs.

The good: I bought another workout tank top that will make me look cute (and feel so athletic!)

The pretty good: I hung out with D at the parks with his pups.

The somewhat pretty good: I went out and had drinks and lots of fun with a bunch of friends.

The somewhat good: I ate healthy, healthy food all day -- just a little too much of it.

The somewhat less good: I went out for drinks and had 2.5 beers (yes, I'm a lightweight).



The somewhat confusing: D showed up at the bar to say hi, which I didn't expect at all. He's coming over for lunch today...

la vie

Well, meeting D last night was fine. We decided to be friends (but he said he would not date others) and I kind of set the ground rules.

We're meeting in the middle, period. (None of this lazy-ass shit that happened a few weeks before we broke up). We're planning when, where and what time before. Hugging is okay, I'm not ready for kissing (He tried that last night, although I think part of it was just because he always did that at goodbye). We're not going to talk every day, and hanging out will be limitted each week.

It's what I'm comfortable with right now. Besides, we both have things to work on.

I want to focus on my career, find my next move and really focus on getting fit again.

He quit drinking and chewing, wants to get healthy and focus on school.

What happens down the road, happens. But I feel more free to pursue my life and happy because of that. So I think we made the right decision. Weird, huh? C'est la vie.

a plan

My legs are sore, I was sweating buckets, but I did it. I survived the sping class. Plus 5 minutes of core.

Tomorrow: Run (20 minutes) plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run (20-25? minutes) plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday: Run 2 miles plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength.
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Run plus strength.

Monday: Rest.
Tuesday run plus strength.
Wednesday: Kickboxing.
Thursday: Spin plus core.
Friday: Run plus strength
Saturday: Spin plus core.
Sunday: Long(er) run plus strength.

And the cycle continues..

giving away

Arizona was amazing ... I really didn't want to leave to come back to my life. I wanted to stay, hang out with my ever-loving mom and basically hike and hang out by the pool each day.

But, sigh, I'm back to reality.

Which means two things:

1. D wants to meet and I think try our relationship again. I am willing to date -- casually -- but not the whole seroius, dramatic thing that we had. I keep thinking I gave and gave and gave and at the end, I was giving away things I needed. Things that were important to me.

Which leads me to:

2. I'm back on my healthy eating plan and workout circuit. Today is core and spinning, tomorrow is weights and a 20 minute one at the quarry. Even though I pigged out in AZ and during the last week or two, I've been working out like a maniac. And it feels good and I feel strong -- something that I felt I got away from at the end with D.

And to:

3. Finding my own personal career path. I feel like I am a story teller -- it's which form and where that gets me. I would love to publish some childrens books. I would like to do more digging with newspapers. I would love to explore working on a novel. All of these things feels more me than anything else I can imagine (except, maybe, teaching writing/journalism at a college level.) And this is something I almost gave away with D.

So there you go. I'm keeping these things. And it means time and probably moving away at sometime (hopefully) in the (near) future.

one step at a time.

I got to thinking today about how much more relaxed and less anxious I am since D and I broke up.

Granted, my life still feels out of wack and without control (it may be my crazy eating; healthy one meal, horrible junk for snack in bretween), but it's a lot less than before.

Which reinforces that we made the right decision.

I am not responsible for his happiness, his financial woes, his lost attitude, his broken family, his drinking issues. I no longer need to take my time and energy to support his box of troubles.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Today I drive home and tomorrow I'm off to Arizona to visit my sister! Lots of hiking, swiming, exercising, shopping and generally relaxing is planned. I'm also bringing down a magazine sheet of strength moves, which I'm going to start doing 2-3 times a week. I have a plan that I'll explain in another post.

I'm also planning that this will be the first day of my "eat well and healthfully" life. I've allowed the pity eating to go on too long and now I woke up with a stomache ache.

And finally, I'll leave with this quote:

"You are one step closer to meeting the one you were meant to be with."

alone ...

I had one of those weird days yesterday where I was craving friendship and laughter but couldn't actually bring myself to participate.

D texted me -- again -- after I told him not to the previous night. I know he wants to stay friends but I just need some time and some space to be alone with the world.

And that's where I am right now. I just want to be alone, doing my own thing, making plans for the future. I think word of our breakup has spread around the office, since my supervisor said to me: "We hope you stay with us in the future, instead of going somewhere else."

To be honest, I don't know what I want yet. Except that I want to live somewhere beautiful and outdoorsy, that's big enough not to get boring, and I want to move into a place a get a dog. Which, of course, requires a little bit more money than I'm earning now.

Anyway, today's a rest day but I think I'm going to do some strength training. I need to add that in.

I've had a very successful exercise week, if not eating week: Sunday I ran a mile; Monday was kickboxing; Tuesday was spinning; yesterday was running 1.5 miles. (My foot hurt at the end so I didn't push it to 20 minutes like I wanted to).

getting back

I feel a lot better today. I feel like I finally have a grasp on the last few weeks that's full of perspective instead of emotion. That makes a difference.

In the last two weeks I've done well at getting my butt to the gym and running (although I'm only at a mile right now).

However, my weight is at 132 -- my high point usually after Christmas!

I've been eating a lot of salty foods -- sushi, frozen one-serving pizza, canned soup, cheese. Of course, that's better than the cookies and ice cream the week before, but still. (On a good note, I did pass up the donuts yesterday at the meeting).

Time to get back to my regular eating patterns, which are full of veggies and fruits and little salt or processed foods.

a good friend

It is a good friend who can remind you just how unhappy you were before the breakup.

How you were frustrated and felt taken for granted or under appreciated or not supported before all this shit hit the fan. How you kept sayings, things will get better when x, y or z happens. But those things came and went and there was just more frustration.

How you wanted to change jobs and leave this place so bad before the break up that you were willing to apply to anything that looked decent, even if it meant leaving a career you've worked your whole life for and wanted since you were 13, and how your urgency has changed since the break up to not being urgent at all.

And how it might not be the job or the career or the place that you wanted to leave in the first place.

A very, very good friend indeed.

Spinning made me feel better. I sweated more than I have sweated in a long time.

I'm still horribly sad though.

I don't think I've ever been this sad before.

This is going to take time.

I am so amazingly undeniably unwaveringly sad.

sigh ...

Yesterday was the first day of what will be a series of days, weeks then months and years (sigh) of me not speaking to Derek.

Okay, that may seem dramatic. The hope is to stay friends, posisbly even reconnect when the timing is better and all. But if I'm going to move forward I need to commit myself to what's best for me and right now, that's moving forward without him.

Sigh.

It was hard. No phone call at lunchtime. No afternoon text message. No goodnight before bed. I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep. That goodnight has always brought me comfort, and now it's gone.

I fell asleep to the thought of asking him to meet up in a few weeks to walk the dogs at the quarry. I thought that would be a nice, neutral environment to just hang out as friends and to see the dogs. I haven't quite decided if it's a good idea yet or not, though.

Sigh.

On more positive notes:

* I did kickboxing last night and didn't die as much as last week. C was there, which was fun. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I met her.

* I wore my cute gym outfit to the gym and this guy held the door -- even though I was quite a bit away -- for me. Because I was cute! Yay!

i believe

Well, it's official official. D and I are parting ways.

We had a long talk -- again -- last night, with many tears, and while there was a brief moment of hope when we talked about getting back together I knew, deep down, that it was not to last. I knew that if we were to get together, we would be re-evaluating it in three to six months. Which is so hard to admit.

I feel like we love eachother very much and that we could make a great couple. But we need different things right now. The timing of our lives are so far out of wack that there's no way to meet in the middle.

He needs to regain control of his life - deal with the foreclosure, drinking, military, family bullshit and all the other baggage -- and as much as I want to I cannot be there to hold his hand. Because I need someone who will be there for me as I decide what I want to do in life. I need someone who can meet in the middle and make a commitment and make a decision to be with me.

But he is so wrapped up in regaining control in his life that he cannot spare the support that I need.

And so, we're letting eachother go.

I believe that we both hope that eventually, we'll come back together once the timing and life is better for it. I think we both believe that our story together is not quite done.

But I also cannot base my life on a belief that may or may not be true.

And so, I need to let him -- and all the dreams I had for us together -- go.

I need to let him go. For me.

ahhhh the quarry

I ran a mile at the quarry this afternoon.

Oh, how I have missed the quarry!

I just love it there. I love how naturey it is.

And really, the quarry has helped me decide that I really want to live in an outdoorsy area. I would go every day before work if it opened just a little bit earlier (now it only opens at 8).

There's something about running on the dirt bike trails, being surrounded by woods and prairie, not seeing cars and trucks and many other people. Just me.

My right foot is still a little sore, so out will come the ice. I plan on sticking to a mile (well, 12-15 minutes) for the rest of the week and possibly uping it in Arizona or when I get back. My plan now is to add it to my exercise routine instead of replacing a class.

So running in the morning and then classes in the evening -- should be fun, keep me busy and help me get back into shape.

life

Well my work friend A came over yesterday and we made pizza and drank beer (I know! I had two and a half ... but it was worth it) and watched sex in the city and had a good time. It made me happy and wishing I have fostered more friendships in the almost three years I've been here. I'll remember that for the next move.

Anyway, I didn't run or really exercise at all yesterday but I did clean my apartment, which feels nice and airy right now. Laundry and some more cleaning/organizing are on my list for today as well before D comes over and I say my final goodbye to him.

I'm going to ask him to stop calling and texting me, at least until I can move past him. I don't want to end up being his "cusion" until he decides to date some other girl. That would be heart break all over again.

In this breakup I'm realizing I need to concentrate on what I need and I want. This has been, in a sense, a military relationship in the fact that I have been the supporter and he has needed the support. Now, I need to support myself. What do I need or what? What goals do I want to accomplish?

One is being healthy, which I have started doing more of (although the pizza and ice cream and beer on weekends are thrownig me off my game. I'll need to get on that) since we broke up.

One is fostering healthy friendships, something that I have had two blows on but am working one. I've realized that most my high school friends are the unhealthy type -- the obsess over weight and boys type -- which I have slowly cut out of my life. The other is that I have been so supportive of D that I haven't fostered my own girl friendships with those that like talking about things other that guys! I did meet C though, so I feel good about that.

One is being the type of girl that doesn't obsess over things, from work worries to guys to my thighs. I get border-line sometimes.

One is being outdoorsy, which I need to get over doing by myself. I think that's why I love running vs. walking, because it's normal to go running alone vs. walking alone.

One is being organized, semi-planned out, which D hated and was the complete oposite of.

One is figuring out what I want to do career-wise and where I want to live (somewhere outdoorsy!)

And the main one -- is realizing and accepting all of these positive changes will take time. It may take a few months and it may take a few years.

And that's okay.

actually four things ...

Well, I did three things that I felt good about today.

1. I ran 1.1 miles in 12 minutes which, according to the fancy online calculator, is an 11 min. mile -- a while minute faster than what I ran yesterday! My feet were a little sore but overall felt good. Another week of one milers and I may just be able to up it a half mile to 1.5!

2. I went to dinner with my new friend C. She's so nice. She also broke up with a guy recently (although they only went out for two months vs. D and my two years) and so she understands. It felt soooo good to talk to somebody that was a) not obsessed with a guy/getting guys and b) totally cool and fun and happy and c) laughed with me! I was especially glad to be out because ...

3. D called to confirm what we had already talked about today, and I decided to not call him back. This will be a first. But it's time and he even said it himself in the message ... "if I don't talk to you today I'll call you Sunday before you come over ..." (he wrote me a letter and will give me his stuff back then). This may lead to ...

4. Not speaking/texting D for a whole day tomorrow, which will be a first.

But this is my life. And I need to start falling out of love with him because I deserve someone who wants to be with me, marry me, have kids with me and love me for me. Choose me for me. Laugh with me. Have me as a priority. Love me for me.

I deserve that.

one mile at a time

Even though the urge to cry comes at unexpected times. Even though I am now questioning everything I once had planned out -- my career, my home, my future family -- even though I feel like pieces I have put together so carefully over the last two to ten years are starting to crumble.

Even though.

I made an important step forward yesterday. Two, actually.

1. I ran a mile. I took it slow, at a 12 min. mile pace, but I did it.

It's been three months, really, since I have ran. Stupid plantar fasciattis. But my inserts seem to be doing the job, and alhtough my feet are a little sore, I believe ice will help.

And it gave me that feeling that I saught during D's deployment -- which surprisingly is bringing up the same feelings as the breakup now -- an "I can do this, I am strong" feeling.

Of all the exercises I know, only running gives me that feeling of empowerment.

2. I resisted the urge to tell D that I ran a mile.

He's really the only one that understands how groundbreaking running a mile is. I really wanted to tell him, and I'm sure he would have been kind and said "good job" or "that's great." But then, I realized that that was what I was seeking -- approval.

Why am I seeking approval?

I realized that I'm doing it everywhere. I'm looking for approval to acknowledge my accomplishments.

But why?

Why is somebody else's approval so important?

The only one who needs to approve is me!

the end, or the beginning

Well, it's now the second day and I guess it's official.

D and I -- after almost two years, one deployment, multiple financial woes on his part and some crazy relatives -- have broken up.

It's not exactly where I thought we would be. But after two days of bawling my eyes out and eating junk (Although, I did go to spin class yesterday) it's time for me to embrace all that is healthy. Or this is going to be way to hard.

To make a long story short, he didn't forsee marrying me. Even though we really care for each other, we're too different and we've been struggling with it for awhile. When push came to shove, he didn't want me making life decisions (about my career mostly that may involved moving an hour away) based on him.

He doesn't want a long distance relationship, even if it's an hour. He doesn't want to be in a relationship at all, because he moved into a house full of single guys that just drink and play video games all the time.

I am feeling so many emotions. Mad. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Lonely. Frumpy. Like a failure. Ugh.

As much as it hurts to admit it, I can understand it (although just barely. This is going to take time).

Better now than in two years from now. Better now than to break off an engagement, call off a wedding, or get divorced.

Better now so I can make a career move and find someone who really does want to be with me.

Better now so I can get back to my healthy ways and take care of me.

my life

I have been going through a funk lately. The non-running plus parents moving plus career worries plus job stress just doesn't suit me very well. And, lets face it, I'm one of those people whose emotional environment greatly affects them. If people I hang around are unhappy (i.e. most of my coworkers) then I, too become unhappy.

But today I work and decided that I am not going to wallow any more. I'm going to actively lead my life in a way I want to.

That means:

On the health front:
- Regularly exercising in the morning before work. I started Monday and have already squeezed in three workouts so far this week, a much better track record than if I post pone it for after work. I feel good about taht.
- A running goal. I already have a 5K training plan and goal picked out for September, with a back-up goal in October. I see the foot doctor in less than a week and hopefully he gives me the go-ahead.
- Learning about biking. I'm saving money for a road bike, getting my hybrid fixed and subscribing to bicycling. I have a feeling this hobby will help my physically and mentally.
- Eat healhier. Already I've lost one pound this week, so I'm back to 130. I feel better. I'm not craving junk. It makes a difference.

On the career front:
- Actively seek out meaningful stories.
- Actively take destressing breaks.
- Actively apply to jobs in places (ie beautiful places) I will enjoy.
- Actively pursue a childrens writing career. (I already have one call out!)
- Actively learn about librarianship, as it's a career choice I keep coming back to.

On the mental front:
- Realize the choices I make as an adult are mine to make, and mine alone.

On the relationship/friend front:
- Stop relying on D for my after-work activities. Make other friends (which seems to be harder than I realize).
- Starting going on "dates" again with D.
- Start calling family more often.

On the other-parts-of-my-life front:
- Start being creative. Draw, paint, play music. I miss that.
- Start keeping a journal. That usually helps destress me.
- Seek out nature. I love nature.

ouch.

Ouch.

Hurt.

Pain.

My first bike crash.

The bruise on my hip is the size of a grapefruit. The scrape on my shoulder is the size of my feet. There are other bruises and scrapes on my knees and elbows. My head and neck muscles hurt.

It just hurts so. damn. much.

And to be honest, I haven't done any workout since I crashed Saturday. I'm waiting for some kind of scab or SOMETHING before I try and struggle into a sports bra ... but the lack of movement is driving. me. CRAZY!

hmmm a 5k?

Well, I have my eye on a 5k that's exactly a month away. It's a high school fundraiser at my all-time-favorite-place-to-run: the quary.

Of course, I don't get my inserts for another 3 weeks, and that gives me only a week to prepare. That's not very smart... Although the doctor said I would be able to build up to running again ... slowly ....

Unless...

I really commit to loads of cross training. Meaning: biking, water running, strength and core, and lots of stretching. It also means eating well, shedding these last few pounds, and really making a go of it.

I wont actually decide, of course, until I get my inserts.

And really, just running again will be enough for me.

But still. I miss it so damn much! And having a goal!

And, in my heart, I know that I might be setting myself up for diappointment. I really should look for a mid-September 5k. :-(

my goal

Vacation was awesome. I loved it. But now, the crappy eating and low exercise continues ...

Which is why it's time to have a plan.

Here's my plan. It keeps me to a 1,700-2,000 calorie diet, and I should never truely get hungry because I'm snacking thrice! Of course, the smaller meals will be tricky. But that's okay.

Breakfast: 400; Snack: 100-200; Lunch: 500; Snack: 100-200; Dinner 500; Treat: 100-200.

And my exercise goal: 30 minutes of cardio four times a week, 20 minutes of strength training twice a week.

I also have my eye on a late August 5K. I'm really hoping to be running pain free by then!

vaca

Tonight I'm heading to Ely to hang out at my grandpa's cabin with D and my family.

I love the cabin. I love how peaceful it is, how you can be active and relaxed and explore the lake and just have fun.

I'm a little nervous about D and my dad butting heads, though. In four days, it's easy to get on eachotherse nerves.

Well, here's my goals -- have fun, be active, relax, re-energize, and eat healthy and normally

ouch.

Ouch!

I took a major spill on the bike today. But I learned an important lesson.

I can't bike and talk on the cell at the same time.

And, later, another important lesson.

Never trust a vehicle to see you.

This punck ass kid in a truck nearly ran straight into me! Damn!

biking to work

Well, today's the big day ... to bike to work. And then to the gym.

I was tossing and turning all night? Why am I so nervous about this?

(Ahem, maybe because my boss didn't seem very supportive, almost to being unsupportive. Yet I've SEEN him bike to work. And I'm only asking to do so maybe once a week, on days I don't have any external meetings planned and the only thing on my plate is writing and phoning).

On another aside, I found Dear Abby's column today interesting. It's about spouses that derail weightloss efforts. Or they take the opposite approach -- the spouse looses while the other gains. I've seen both in my family.

And, although I don't think he's trying to derail me (we have gone running and biking together, and taken walks, and eat at the co-op) I have caught myself thinking that it was easier to maintain/loose/get my but to the gym/go exercise whe D was deployed.

Which isn't such a horrible thing to say as it may seem. Take, for instance, my time during the deployment -- it was completely mine. And I filled it with working out and eating right. No bbq's after work, or bar runs, or just hanging out and watching movies.

Couple that with my foot injury (which happened since he got home) and there you go. I have been exercising less. And it's not that he's unsupportive -- it's that I can't run (grr!) and because I've loss my favorite activity, I don't substitute the others (swimming, biking, etc).

Not today.

Today I bike to work (15 minutes each way) and do the eliptical for 30 minutes and then do some ab work, maybe even my strength routine.

Then I pack! For vaca! Yay!

Tomorrow I'm also getting up and going to the gym to do the eliptical for 30 minutes.

biking to work

Excited news -- I got the okay to bike to work about one day a week.

That's all I get, though. My newspaper job means I need my car to drive around and interview people. It keeps my on my toes (and burning gas) about 4 days a week. The fifth day, though, I usually spend writing or interviewing on the phone.

But it's still victory! One day!

I'm excited. And nervous. One of my bike coworking veterans gave me tons of advice. And she even things we shoot pitch a bike blog to the editor! :-)

this morning

I set my alarm and got up at 6 a.m. this morning.

I got up, walked around, looked at my pile or work out close on the floor and thought, should I go to the gym or get back into bed?

I calculated how much more time I could sleep and still get to work on time. I thought of going into work early to get my mountains of work done. I thought of all the other effective ways I could use that time.

And then I thought, no. I need to go to the gym. I need to go for me.

For the last month or so -- basically since I've stopped running because of this nagging foot injury -- I have lost that sense of myself that comes with working out. I've felt less healthy, less balanced, less well. Not to mention a little pudgier and out of breathe.

And so, at 6 a.m. this morning, I put my workout clothes on and went to the gym. 30 minutes of eliptical (and one semi-sore foot) later, I feel better about myself.

I'm actually glad I went.

And I'm thinking about doing it all again tomorrow.

thrice in a day

Well, I ran and biked yesterday. And did my new strength training routine. Just not at the same time.

I drove to the quarry and ran with a few walking moments about 20 minutes. The outside of my right foot hurt after 5 minutes. I didn't push it but there was a moment where I just felt good. My legs were stretching out, the sun was beating down and it was a cool 75 degrees still.

And then, bam. I was out of energy. It sure leaves quicker than it takes to build it.

But then I did strength training, which I'm feeling this morning. So I feel good about that.

And then I road my bike to Derek's new house, then road it with him to dinner and back, then back to my house. Overall it was 10.5 miles, or about an hour. Pretty good.

And to top it all -- I'm back to 128 pounds (it looks like 127.5 but really, whose counting?)

tomorrow's goals.

My new goal -- exercise in the morning.

This whole night thing just isn't working out. There's just too much lets-go-to-the-river-and-play-with-the-pups distractions that I jump at the chance at. And why not? This state is only this warm for another 90-or-so days.

So tomorrow I will do what I have thought about for a long time.

I will ride my bike to the quarry (15 minutes).
I will stretch.
I will run, slowly, about 20 minutes.
I will ride by bike home.

I will. Even if it means walking a bit. I will.

And I'll do it all before work. (Luckily I have a late shift tomorrow)

friday

One more day until the weekend. I tell ya, this whole national holiday thing in the fricken' middle of the week is killing me.

My goal today: Eat healthy. I didn't eat exactly healthy yesterday. It seems to be a trend.

My other goal: Bike for an hour. At the quarry. After work and before dinner.

Awesome.

a sign?

On my way to the gym today to do my 30 minutes of eliptical work, I unknowingly turned the wrong way and drove half way to the quarry and all their glorious trails before I realized where I was going and I turned around.

I think my subconcious is trying to tell me something.

my goal

30 minutes of eliptical and 30 minutes of strength. It felt good, it feels good to be done. My foot is a bit sore, though. Makes me think I should hold off on the running.

I'm glad I started doing strength though. My goal is twice a week through the end of the month, then three times a week.

My motivation now is to be in good shape -- better shape, if possible! -- for when I do get back to running.

And, surprisingly, it's a pretty motivating goal.

day after the 4th

Well, D and I had a falling out, then a conversation, then, I think, an understanding.

Deployments are so damn hard! Even when they're over, they're not over ...

On another note.

I helped him move all day yesterday (does that count as cross training?) and am going to the gym to do the eliptical shortly.

My feet are feeling much better. I'm contemplating a run this weekend. It's been almost a month since I've run on them. I have a podiatrist appointment in 2 weeks, so I wonder if I should or shouldn't. It could be fine. I could hurt myself more. I really want to, though. I crave it.

And as much as I love biking, and can tolerate cross training in the pool and on the eliptical, nothing, nothing, beats the rush or finishing the 3 mile loop at the quarry. I love those trails.

pool running.

Well, I'm officially 25. It doesn't feel that much different than 24, except that nagging little thought in the back of my mind -- "why don't you have everything figured out yet?"

Sigh.

For some reason, I really thought I would by now.

One thing to be proud of, though, is my exercise habit. While I'm still sans-running (which I'm surprisingly upset and somewhat depressed about) I have been logging some miles on my bike and discovered the awesomeness that is "mountain biking" at the quarry. I like running on the trails there better, but biking gets my heart rate up just as high. And I do love being in nature instead of in spin class. I have the weird tan to prove it.

On another note, I tried pool running yesterday. I did it for 30 minutes after my goggles broke and I refused to swim without them. A kind lady offered to lend me hers, but I'm proud and it really did give me an excuse to try pool running. It was borring, but a good and hard work out. The closest I've come so far to finding a substitute for actual running. I'm actually toying with the idea of doing it twice a week in the hope of my feet being better by August -- I can hopefully work up the muscles so when I can run, I can actually run.

Tonight I'll probably ride at the quarry again, then do some strength training. My goal is twice a week, hopefully to increase to three times a week in August. I finally got around to creating a routine at home, so no excuses.

can't run..

I miss running.

I miss the release of energy, the calmness of listening to my breath, my pace, my heart beat. Of conquering a trail. Of bounding up a hill and feeling the pride of accomplishment.

I miss how strong I feel when I run. How in shape, in control. Sexy.

But no. I hurt my feet. I have been not-officially diagnosed with plantar fasciitis by my podiatrist aunt. I have an appointment to see my official podiatrist in a month. And my regular doctor suggested not running at al between now and then.

Not at all!

Which makes me sad. I miss running. I miss how effortless it was to get out the door -- throw on some gaer and you can run anywhere. No bike to worry about, no rollerblades, no swim suit or pool. Just lace up those shoes and go.

So here is my plan:
* Ice and stretch my feet once a day.
* Wear the supportive sandals I bought.
* Strength train 3 x week.
* Cardio (bike, swim, eliptical, rollerblade) 3-4 x week for at least 30 minutes.
* Eat healthy, reasonable portions.

Hopefully by the end of this month I will feel good and be able to start running again!

a cursed buritto

Back up to 129 .... wtf?

Does a lunch buritto (no cheese, no sour cream even!) really add 2 pounds?

And is that buritto why my stomach was bloated and in pain?

a confession...

Okay, I checked the scale this morning.

129.

Not bad, 2 pounds down from the 131 I had at this month's beginning. Higher than I was hoping though. Although I knew it was coming -- Some days I feel like I've been eating everything in the house and then some.

What the hell?

So today I'm starting over. No more cookies from the break room or chocolate from the coin machines (even though it's for a good cause and a quarter buys you only a handful). No more carb-loaded meals.

Instead: more veggies, more fruit, more protein, more yogurt, more tea and more water. Much, much more water.

The problem this week is that I've been eating so much that I don't feel like exercising -- although luckily I did make it out the door quite a few times last week.

Sunday - Sunday brought 5 workouts and 10 miles of running (2,2,2,4). At the 4 mile mark the bottom of my foot hurt. But after icing and stretching that's gone now, so I plan on running again tomorrow.

I'm not counting the hour "kayaking" lesson D gave me Sunday, although I woke up so sore and tired. It was fun and I can definately see the appeal of the sport -- I just wish I was better at it so I wouldn't get so scared on a "roll!"

tummy = mad

I don't think this month-without-the-scale is working so well.

I was doing fine yesterday until dinner ... and D convinced me to go eat pizza, and I ate half the medium pizza, and full-fat ranch dressing, and that oil-soaked breakstick.

Ugh.

My tummy is mad!

But today's another day. I just ate a healthy breakfast of non-fat yogurt, a banana and some nuts. I'm thinking of running at the quarries in an hour or so, since I don't have to go in to work until this afternoon. Lunch can be ONE (not two like yesterday) pita hummus sandwich and I might do sushi or something for dinner.

I'm having trouble getting motivated to run, though ...

Day 3

Well, Day 3 is going better.

I had an omelette and toast (although fried in butter ... no low-fat pam or oil at D's house) for breakfast, subway with half a bag of chips and half a bag of apples for lunch, half a brownie for snack, some munchies before dinner and two slices of homemade pizza and grapes for dinner.

And I ran 2 miles in about 21:30. I wore the inserts, and they felt weird the whole time. Very unnatural. Not sure if I will run with them again.

day 2

Day 2 of the month-without-the-scale challenge.

While I'm not checking my weight, I'm checking my caloric intake pretty regularly. Yesterday was about a 2,000 calorie day -- pretty good, actually, considering I ate lunch and dinner out. It also helps that I did my bike-swim-bike hour routine yesterday. Today I'm tired but not sore! Yay!

I'm a little nervous about not checking the scale for a month. What if I gain weight? How will I know that I'm not on track?

But the thing is ... deep down I do know if I'm on and off track. I can tell by how full my tummy is or how much I exercise or how well my clothes fit.

This month is about trusting myself to eat healthy and exercise. It's about approaching my body in a healthy way.

a month without the scale ...

Well, I did it.

I took all my measurements this morning and my weight and wrote it down ... and put the scale away.

One month. One month without the scale, without measurements, did I mention no scale?

Weighing myself daily has become a habit. But it hasn't affected my weight loss -- my weight this morning was actually as high as my last vacation -- 131. This is bad, but at the same time good -- hopefully in a month I'll quickly loose that weight!

The other trick, of course, is actually eating well. I got the exercise thing down (I'm thinking of another bike commute to the gym tonight ...) But it's the nachos and cereal before dinner and ice cream and cookies and all those damn dilly bars that add up.

I'm going to start writing what I eat down again.

So thus begins my month of healthy eating minus the scale!